It's 615a and I'm up from my first nap of the day. Went down at 545a after working a while but who cares - what matters is the now right now here, sitting outside in the zero gravity reclining chair we got at costco, breathing the spicy air, watching the older man with the bucket hat walk by with his two dogs, listening to the birds chirp.
So much chirping. Indefatigable. Tireless but without effort. Fuckin birds, man.
I've got a blanket on my legs and the CCTV baby monitor to my left there in the grass and I feel like a security guard working the overnight shift. It's almost over, too. Soon there will be an eruption of noise from one of the two rectangles in the monitor - hopefully it's Wilder first bc that's the one I have the audio set to.
Usually he starts with a piercing MAAAMMMMMMMM and I hit the walkie talkie microphone button on the monitor and say "be right there bud" which he maybe hears or maybe doesnt because he then goes MAAAAAMMMMMM but even bigger and I say again 'be right there' and sprint toward his room, hoping to beat Lauren so she can stay and sleep a little longer.
Emma June is more of a wriggler, cries gradually building in volume until all is lost.
Wait I forgot to tell you about what I see out here, in the sky. It's white on the left and blue on the right. The two blend into each other like they're besties. Two trees that look like broccoli stand proud on the right, while a third leans in a way that cannot be advisable. Still, they're all standing strong after Helene. The lucky ones, though I don't know if they know it. Do trees understand luck? Do humans?
I feel lucky today, or the sense that this is what luck probably feels like. I've been feeling this in waves ever since talking with
yesterday, most strongly right after our conversation.Lauren came home with the kids and Wilder emerged from behind the car with a face frozen in angst like the Scream monster mask guy. A lone wail escaped his mouth as he lifted up his clenched fist to show me a new cut the size of a half a freckle.
"I don't even know how I got it" he cried.
I lifted him up and held him and felt so much love for him, for him being there in my life, becoming my entire life - how did I get so lucky? I hate that word but there's no other. I dont know how to use words to tell you about the feeling but it was so big and soft and porous, maybe? Then Emma June appeared from behind the car holding Lauren's finger, walking toward me, and she waved. Everything felt hyper real, extra special, super sensitive.
Real good conversations help me feel open and good and alive and quiet the dark voices while making space for them. I'm lucky, too, for having a pal like Isabel, and readers like y'all, and kids like EJ and Wilder and a wife and human partner like Lauren, the source and good of it all.
I worry I will not live up to this post today, that I'll fail and suck and blabber and, its true, I will, but so what?
The rest of last night was great too - Wilder's best pal came over with his family and we laughed. I found a World Market bowl in the Wingspan board game box and said, "Oh yea this? This is from a super indie shop in LA called World Market."
Wilder's friend's dad laughed and we goofed on it for a while. "They've got imported foods from around the world."
I thought about that joke for the rest of the night.
The sky is whiter now, but still more blue on the right. The kids will wake soon and so will I.
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