why can't i call people even tho i want to

Michael Estrin

is one of my oldest Substack friends. He's a good friend.

We’re both part of the extended Comedic Personal Essay Universe. I write

Both Are True

and he writes

Situation Normal

, stories for people who enjoy humor with a side of humanity and a dash of insight

We were also part of a now defunct writer's group for a long time with

Anne Kadet

and

Jane Ratcliffe

, though I do regularly worry that they’re still meeting up without me and laughing about how much I suck.

Michael and I used to go to Substack events in LA and be weird in the corner together. Now we’re apart, but still here. This conversation was awesome to do and a great way to catch up.

why don’t i call people even though i want to

The highlight was talking about why it’s hard for me to call people on the phone even though I want to.

Michael thinks it’s a generational thing—his generation still calls people, mine doesn’t.

Maybe.

I think it's because I can’t half-ass a phone call.

And I like to half-ass everything, in that I like to have one half of my ass still available for whatever else might come up.

Half an ass for the thing, the other half for whatever else might be possible.

To preclude all other possibilities - to put one's whole ass into something - is a terrifying thought that implies finitude.

At least that's what I thought the reason was.

After we got off the live, I called Michael, just to prove I could.

I was so anxious immediately. “Is this okay? Is this too much already? Am I calling too much?”

And he was like, “No, dude.”

We talked and it was nice.

But the whole time, I felt guilty, hyperaware of whether I was asking for too much, whether this was okay, etc.

Yesterday, I called again while riding my bike home from work.

He answered and I blurted out “Oh, now I’m calling too much, right? This is too much?”

And again, he was like, “No, dude, it’s fine. This is great.”

I asked if I could vent about something, and he said sure.

So I did - something about work - and he listened and gave feedback, and I felt better.

I was close to home though and said, “Oh, shit, I’ve got to go because we have a potluck thing to go to for school, I'm sorry - I got to vent, but you didn’t. Is that bad? Is that not how this is supposed to work?”

And he was like, “No, man, it’s fine.”

I said, “No, no, it’s okay. Next time I’ll call you and you can vent and I’ll listen.”

And he was like, “No, it’s really fine.”

Wow what a strange brain I have!!

buddy are you ok?

There are clearly some deep seated (seeded?) beliefs I have about how friendships are supposed to work:

1. friendships must be even - if i get something, you have to get something too

2. friendships CANNOT be uneven

3. you don't want to be too much with a new friend

4. if you do anything wrong, people will stop being your friend right away you dumb loser

I know these aren't really true, but also, more importantly, I don't know that. The part of me in charge of making decisions is terrified to boof it and lose a friend.

We went to the potluck and Wilder was having a hard time with his little 3 and 4yo friends - they were playing 'a sock game' and he was wearing crocs.

He was thrashing about and, looking up at me with broken defiance, said "I make friends like every day!!"

I felt that so deep in my little self soul. That’s the place - the oh so young place - when you want friends so badly but aren't sure if they'll want you back, where I'm still living from. Maybe we all are.

This might be my First Fear, the Big One, that drives almost everything else (eg the need for infinite ppl to love me online). Who knows.

I'm gonna keep calling Michael. And trying to call my other friends too. Besides, if they don't pick up, no big deal - I make friends like every day.

Anyway, here's the interview. Go subscribe to

Situation Normal

obviously. And God bless.

Highlights

• How Letterman is the best and whether anyone actually likes “bad comedy” routines

• Michael’s struggles to keep his Substack bestseller badge for paid subscribers

• Michael’s adventures riding in a self-driving Waymo

• A blue turn into peepee tapes and poop videos that one fan explicitly described as a “devolution into easier, softer humor”

• My bulletproof legal cover for napping at the coworking space

• Michael’s candid confession that he started the whole Glennon Doyle thing

• Why I can’t call people

• How we both suck at disappointing people

---

a community of weirdos tryna write the truth or whatever lol

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Is a home for the weirdos who wanna…

• figure out what they wanna say

• actually write it

• explore the stuff that gets in the way

• realize it is that very stuff that’s probably most interesting to write about

• hang with other weirdos doing the same

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I also hate how lonely writing can be.

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