Hi Alex! Idk if I can legally participate in these since we work together but consider me a lawbreaker bc I have a question about (starting a) family! So here I am. Lately I've been reading a lot of Jane Ratcliffe's interviews with various creative, loving, wise, smart folks, most of whom are older than us by a generation or so and most of whom have children, and there is this clear-as-day message of hope in all of their conversations. Literally all of them say very similar things on the subject of hope, without Jane prompting them. It's a message that's like: we gotta keep putting in the work for future generations; we're not gonna fix everything or get it all right, but we gotta keep trying for the people who come next, and our life gets better by trying, too. Now, I'm not saying I'm belly-up, towel thrown. And I'm not saying I don't agree - I do! Wholeheartedly! Ripple effects! We gotta try! But I AM saying that I'm really scared. I'm scared to be hopeful enough to start a family of my own or enough to even be thrilled when friends and siblings start their own families. Truthfully, I just feel scared for everyone and their kids. I know this fear doesn't help anyone and it's holding me back and blah blah. I've read the Brene Brown books. I've heard the wisdom on daring greatly and living bravely. I can even point to a good few instances where I've succeeded in doing so. But my question for you is: as someone with a child, how did you get so brave as to hope for their future and their children's future? Not just your own future of 5 minutes or 50 years from now, but brave enough that you can hold hope for the generations to come?
Erin hi yes this is very unorthodox and I did alert several vigilante justice units (they r better than police they say) just as an FYI but I also told them all the great work you're doing for BAT and they were so impressed so they might hit you up for some marketing help
everyone listen up – hire Erin she's the best person to help with just about all things substack and I say this with no lies in my heart
ok onto your super simple, easy to answer question. hmmmmmmmmm….I mean. I have a lot of thoughts. I'm trying to first think bout my own relationship with hope and how much / little I have of it. Cuz in general, I don't have much. But that's mostly for myself. Like, I just don't allow a lot of hope in or something.
In terms of the world and future generations - One thing that happens when you have a kid is you get tinier and the world gets bigger. You literally are living with your next of kin, the one who, were this england in the way backs, would take the throne from you if he had his little way that jackal.
But it definitely gets smaller. And when it gets smaller, you realize how little you matter. I don't feel nihilistic though, quote the opposite. I feel free. And aware of what I can do. A big part of which is raise this little kid to not be terrible. To help people and, since he's a man, to treat women with equality while understanding how there's so much of society set up for him to not do that.
I guess what I'm saying is, when you have a kid, you really don't have any option but to have hope for the future. Like, you can't be hopeless because doing so would mean being hopeless for your own kid and no one would do that. I guess some rich people just throw money at the problem and look to protect them and their own, but that seems sad.
Also, idk if I'm all that brave about any of it. at least not most of the time. I heard somewhere that doing something brave just means doing it for like 5 seconds. then you can go back to being your own bumbling lil self. You can even be belly up towel down for most of the time - who cares!
Like, nowhere does it say you HAVE to be anything. If you're hopeful, great. If you're not, also okay! I think what's most important for me with our son is to let him in on that journey. To tell him how its hard to have hope and to listen to what he has to say in return. Usually kids have a lot more hope than we do but mine is only two and his great hope is simply for BIG ONES BOOKS and TRASH TRUCKS.
Wait, trash trucks are a perfect example! I didn't give two shits about them before he was born. But man does he love them. He obsesses over them. He made me stop and look at them and truly marvel at how incredible they are! Like holy cow they are insane machines and so essential to our lives and no one stops to give em a lick of a think besides the babies.
I would say you can prolly free yourself from the pressure of it all, and the weight of it. Which means accepting that you don't know what is going to happen, hope or no hope. And then from there, deciding bout having a family or not becomes a different thing.
Aaaaand I would say, again, alot of the hope comes because of the kid. It's a - and I hate this phrase - forcing function- yuck what a bad phrase ew i mean each word in there sucks forcing? function? no i can't, it's a nudge in the right direction, that's all.
We did think a good amount about like 'is it ethical and okay to bring someone into a world that seems like its on the edge of a cliffy cliff of destruction?' To which we basically realized, 'yea, because we believe the world will be better with him in it. ' and we will be better people in and of the world as a result. Are we right about that?? idk!
buuuut and also - once you have the kid you just realize, again because you feel small and tiny, how little of a deal it all is, and how people for all of history have been on the brink of the edge and they've managed to keep things together and even when they didn't they pretty quickly went 'oops' and started to fix what they'd fucked up and that overall people are neutral or good and the darkness is just fear and there are psychos too but you're not one of them and i hope i'm not either but maybe we all are and anyways who cares we cannot change who we are.
there's a big thing with all the climate saving stuff (i'm on board btw I love the climate) that says HUMANS DID BAD HUMANS HAVE TO FIX which again, yes it is true, but it continues the belief that made humans fuck things up in the first place which is this separateness from the earth and its elements. Dominion over things. And that's bullshit. we are the earth the earth is us. And its all way more complicated than we could ever frikkin imagine. no one knows shit but we do know that it feels goood to help others and take care of each other and, for some of us, to raise a family.
In short - life is a trash truck.
Q: wow, did any of that make a god damn lick of sense?
Q: did it help? its ok if it didn't.
Q: I'm curious what you are most concerned about when it comes to the future and all that. does putting it into words help not make it so scary?
Why do you want your son to think you are cool? If he thinks you are cool he will never leave home. Teenagers are supposed to think their parents are dumb. It is how we get rid of them er, I mean encourage their independence in a healthy way.
hahaah ok this is a great point. I guess I just need everyone in my life to think i'm cool. my son included. as I get older, there's less opportunity to be seen as cool so I'm just tryna put all my eggs into this one basket that is the little child who lives in my house.
Only in the most realistic way. I am, in fact, not as academically gifted as them. They don’t think I am dumb in general. When they were small they delighted in me then at about age 8 their friends became cool. By the time they left they held some animosity yet after they had to do their own dishes I gradually became accepted again. Now they love me cause I can babysit. It’s probably one of those cycle of life things.
I became a chauffeur. They just loved doing things at school or with friends or organized sports. Stuff like that. You probably remember that moment when your Mom became an embarrassment and you wanted to handle things yourself In any case the parent child bond is naturally very strong so even when parents or children are bad that bond lasts and is difficult to destroy. So relax. You are a very fun cool dad
because we have always actually been like our parents in some deep way that is both obvious and frustrating - they are our models for the world and so we do everything like them AND part of becoming little adults is differentiating from them which means thinking everything they do sucks and getting angry at them all the time. Then as an adult you realize (or I am realizing) that they are actually just children too and everyone is really a child and there are no adults and we're all juts these lil kids running around trying to be loved and not get hurt
by then you also maybe have a kid and you gotta protect them from dying and so the circle of whatever the fuck continues
There's this Jim Gaffigan joke I love about what it feels like to have a third kid. He says, "It's like you're drowning. And someone throws you a baby."
But what if I already feel like I'm drowning sometimes? I know you know the gist of my sitch (that was kind of a cool rhyme, btw), but for others reading this, I have a 14 yo stepdaughter and an almost 5 yo daughter who has cerebral palsy. We aren't planning on having another kid, though. So my question is really how do I do all the things I want to do in life while also not totally dropping the ball and not being there for my family?
lol the first thing I thought reading this was this quote:
“The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is, there’s no ground.”
― Chögyam Trungpa
I think that about sums it up. Meaning - all the things you say are true -
you will drop the ball
you are there for your family
you will do all the things you want to do in life
and you will have another kid (jk)
the third one is the hard one, right? 'how will I do all the things I want?' well, you dont really know what you want to do in life - only the you at the end of your life can answer that, and that guy will definitely say, no matter what, that you did all the things you wanted to do
like, what if you just accept that all of the things are going to happen for sure, and that experiencing them in the day to day is what life is about. Cuz the "doing all the things in life" goal breaks our brains because we are trying to assess whether we finished a race while running the race (also the race does not have a clear end).
So when you get to the end, you'll have finished the race - its inevitable.
Did this make sense? I haven't had coffee
Q: What are the top 3 things that you want to look back on your life and say you did ?
I also appreciate that you challenged my thinking around the things I want to do. Ultimately, what I think I want is to be able to pursue ambitious projects while maintaining a certain level of autonomy and not sacrificing security (especially from a financial standpoint), which is a difficult line to toe, let alone find
God what a good and impossible question. Also thanks for crediting Jim Gaffigan. I forgot it was him who said that when I riffed on it and said (of my child’s corn allergy) “it was like I was drowning, and then someone threw me an ear of corn.” I need to write that shit up one day.
so its complicated! on the lit side, no! I've never really tried cuz i figure it's better if one of them reaches out to me if they're interested.
with acting, yea! I have a bunch of diff agents that do diff things - one for commercials, one for tv/film in LA, one for everything in Austin. It's very weird but they love dividing up territories and types of work.
I also have a manager, which is like an agent but...different? ppl say when you're successful the manager is more hands on with helping you figure out what roles you want to take on next, like they help you shape your career lol. but i don't get enough jobs for that (yet?!)
So in short - yes for acting, no for lit stuff!
Q: do you have afformentioned agents? do you think its even necessary to have them anymore?
None just now but had one (for a year) when I was a screenwriter back in 1993 (yeah, I'm that fuckin' old). I think I'll need one as I complete a TV drama pilot script I'm writing now and shop it around while rewriting the script and putting together a show bible. If not a literary/entertainment agent, at least an attorney for contracts, negotiations, etc. Short answer: if you don't have a biz head (and I really don't), yeah you need what they can do. MM
lol um. ok let's give it a whirl - i love your comments, though they are always shrouded in mystery. which is cool. but who is the real appleton king, or at least one version of appleton king you are okay sharing
No! Its texcted a few times, and sometimes it'll even call but when I pick up, no one is there. Idk, I'm sort of at the end of my patience with auditioning, i just sorta hate it lol and i dont feel like i'm getting the traction I'd need - A few people have really liked my scripts and stuff and so maybe that side will take off, I'm just not very hopeful
which is okay! Because I feel super hopeful about my own work including and mostly this substack. Like, this feels like a path toward making a life for myself doing creative work and that feels very good.
would i like hollywood to call and give me a frikkin part in a movie/? yes. I just trained my brain a long time ago to never have any hope in this industry because I used to and it broke me every time I didn't end up getting the thing.
q: i sorta asked this in the last post but - what's your relationship w hollywood?? did it call? did u call back?
hahah more chaos is always good! I do feel like we've finally gotten to the point where things feel relatively stable over here, so yea, why not let's get a second one in here. We definitely want to have another kid but who knows when / if it'll happen ! It's never a guarantee so I don't wanna be like 'in the next two years' cuz who knows!
I definitely want to have another kid though just so I can experience what siblings are from close up. I was an only child and it was looooonely and I am always jealous of people with siblings, how they talk about it and how they are - it just feels like this indescribable complicated mess of a bond and I want to, selfishly, I know, have front row tickets to see how such a bond is formed
q: wait so i read one of yoru posts and it said you were auditioning for stuff? tell me more!
q: what are 1-2 realizations you've had about life that have made everything make sense, even if just for a little while?
I highly recommend anther kid. Timing it in between movie parts, the red carpet, appearance on the Kelly Clarkson show, will be tough. Auditions for me are in the past, another life and about 7 homes/moves ago. Auditioning sucked. It wasn’t until I did a one woman show (who didn’t have one in the late 80s, early 90s) when I got two guest starring roles on Seinfeld. I also did guest starring roles on a couple of failing sit coms. Betty White had me fired— that might be a post. May she RIP. I later learned she was the mean girl of The Golden Girls. Realizations? Not everyone is Betty White. Leaving LA was a great decision. I grew up there— I needed real weather and buildings erected before 1957. My sis and dad are still in So Cal and I love to visit— so I can take a break from real weather and old buildings. Except currently I’m in the PacNoW. Meh weather and buildings that look like storage containers. Another realization, given all our moves— home is where the love is.
1. My fav dish as of these days is prolly a big mash of Mediterranean stuff - shawarma, hummus pita turnips etc. I’m gonna order some tonight in fact
2. It’s changed over time! She and my dad have become a lot healthier meaning a lot less Russian hahah. They love making honey bread which is exactly what you think, and also a morning oatmeal that they swear by.
My fav food of hers is a real basic eggs only omelette. It reminds me of being lil and eating it and loving it.
I have one answer for all three of your questions. A family acid trip. Loved it both times. Question for you: What are the pros and cons of raising a child in America?
“The only huge disadvantage is that children here don’t have the luxury to grow up in the capital of humor of the world.” I asked my partner, who’s from Kyiv, if she also thought people from Odesa had the best sense of humor in the world. Now, for a Kyivite to admit something is better in Odesa doesn’t happen, but she nodded with a smile and said “It’s unique,” which I think translates to “Yes” in this case.
Anyway, misconceptions about my people or culture? I was born in Chile. Most of my family is from Belgium. I was raised in Canada, and now I live in Spain, so I don’t really have “my people.” I started jotting down all the misconceptions about these places, but I realized I was writing an article, not a comment. I’m going to think this though a bit more and post something on my page. Thanks for the prompt, Alex.
I had no idea this was only for paying subscribers. I feel infinitely cool now. My question: how do you come to terms with bad decisions people in your family make when you know you definitely know better and even do the favor of telling them so and yet they still refuse to listen?
Haha this is the first one for paid only! Hmmm this is sorta similar to Jason’s question in this thread - how do we accept that other people (who are obviously idiots) don’t see everything like we do( the right way, we r smart)
Lol so yea that’s one thing - admitting you may not be right (from their pov)
And also more importantly - it doesn’t matter who is right. You’re not going to convince the other person unless they want to be convinced. Or until they’re ready (they may be waiting for you to come around too!)
It helps if you can remember times you’ve been wrong in the past. It’s never happened to me - I’ve always been right- but I could see it helping other people. Not me tho, I’m always right (not sure if I said this already)
Q: what’s one thing you have always thought you were right about that you now realize you’ve been wrong about
I think in general the idea that everything is one way or another is something I have let go of as I’ve grown and seen how complex things really are. That’s a kind of unsatisfying answer though so lemme think more.
Ok. So I’m so curious about your first question about grappling with parents as they are vs. who we want them to be. It’s something I’m curious about how you think about for all humans really, but I see the urgency of grappling with that for parents. Also, how are you thinking about grappling with who Wilder is/will be vs. who you want him to be (consciously or subconsciously)? I’m thinking about ways I wish my parents would see me on my terms vs their own - so the reverse of your original question.
hi Jason thank u for this question its a genuine brainbuster which means its a good question.
ive been thinking about it for a little while and all my responses converge to a basic idea which feels like a zen koan or daoist precept of, like:
once you stop trying
to change other people
because you can't, btw,
they will feel you not trying to change them
which will then change them
or like
the only way to change other people
is to stop trying to change them
lol does this make sense?
so take our parents. I want my parents to be different in so many ways, most of which stem from our early years of coming here to america and me needing them to be NORMAL so the other kids would like me and us and i could have freinds to watch wrestling matches with.
but people, especially parents, are smart. so they can feel me trying to change them, which makes them defensive and doubtful, on their heels, afraid of being who they are while also not wanting to fucking change because how dare their dumb son ask them to do that after they have already changed so much.
so - if I accepted them, which isn't like a one time accept/don't accept switch, but a daily choice blah blah meaning its hard and usually I forget, BUT if I accept them and do not want them to be any different than they are, then they can feel that and they will feel more free to be their authentic selves (which is different from who they have had to be, given my need to change them). and once they're more free to be their authentic selves AND I no longer want them to be anything different from that - then I have a feeling I'm gonna think they're pretty damn cool. This is a hope and a dream, it happens rarely but I do aspire to it, i think.
Now, much like most main streets in the country, this is a two way street. they also need to accept me. they're trying tho, i can feel it, but they don't succeed always nor do I, but we still both try and that's all we can ask, I think.
in terms of who wilder is vs who i want him to be - right now I have a lot of control over that. for example, i am teaching him to say 'in this economy?!' as a response to basically anything and everything. this will be comedically perfect and great for everyone involved.
but for real, I think the same principle applies. I want to shape him by not trying to shape him. so that the meta-lesson he learns is that he can decide for himself and that me and laur are going to support him. this is so easy to say in theory. but what happens when he starts drinking his friend's blood cuz he saw it on tiktok? I truly don't know.
I also think there's a difference between how it goes when you are raising kids vs when they are adults. But as adults, i think your parents can't help but see you on their own terms. BUT their terms can include yours. their terms can broaden to include what you want to be and who you are.
BUT - and here's the real rub of it all - they might not. And you can't change that. So you might have to accept that there exists an infinite distance between those two things that shall never be traversed. Which sucks, and also, is true. You can then grieve that and be mad about it and throw lemons at the ground if no one is around, but then maybe you'll come to a place of acceptance which, going back to the beginning of this, they will see and then be like 'oh shit, Jason doesn't care what we think. Respect."
Idk dude. its all impossible but it always works. both are true (ring the bell)
shit I forgot to ask you a question ok here it is: if you dont mind sharing - whats one part of you that you feel like your parents don't really get / see.
also if that's too intense, since you're a teacher (me and jason are close buds in IRL), how do you see kids at age 7 or whatever age you teach now - how are they handling this question. do they care what their parents think about them? do they even have a strong sense of self yet? and what role do parent's expectations play at this point
Long time admirer, first-time subscriber/question asker here! What would you say is both the secret to your success/longetivty and your favorite curse word?
Heya Justin! Welcome and thanks for becoming a paid subscriber - that means a lot!
Secret to my success??? and longevity?!? this is a hard question to answer for someone who constantly thinks of themselves as a failure who is just starting out hahah but I also admit that I have had a lot of success and have been doing this a long while which means, ring the bell, both are true!
idk if i have any secrets, but one thing that's happened lately, like sometime in the last year of writing, is that my voice sorta finally emerged. Or most of the criticism spiderwebs that were not allowing me to write honestly finally got cleaned out, and I became way more comfortable with writing in a style that I love and that works for me, which is this sorta stream of unconscious thing lol. Like, something clicked or I just wrote long enough where the things keeping me from doing it went away, and what was left was just this sense of ease and calm. from which it became easier to write, and also to be funny on the page.
Like, there's a lot more of a sense of 'the good stuff is gonna happen because I am here writing' as opposed to 'i gotta come prepped with the good stuff.' and sometimes it works out! sometimes it doesn't too.
as far as longevity, i mean idk I feel like i just can't stop. like if i stopped i'd explode. because the ideas wouldnt have anywhere to go. working through them and figuring stuff out has been so therapeutic for me too, which has made me fall in love with it! Another thing that helps is the phrase 'good enough for long enough.' like i do not have to change the world with every piece. All I gotta do is keep showing up and doing the work and having faith that some good shit may come of it.
my favorite swear word?! Honestly, and maybe this means I'm a square, but I love me some 'fuck.' I love saying it and I say it alot! not like, on its own but as part of a sentence like 'what the fuck' or 'why the fuck would i do that' or 'there's no fucking way that would ever actually happen' i just love how it sounds and I know people have an anti-swear thing of like, they're overused blah blah but that's bullshit - they're great and more than any of that, they just come naturally ! Like, I don't have to think too hard about it, and the fucks just come. So I'm not gonna not say them. I also enjoy writing stuff and including the word fuck. That's a nice tie back to the first thing about how like, I'm just sorta writing whats in the brain dome.
q: what is YOUR fav swear word? And your fav non swear word? And your least fav swear word? and your least fav non swear word?
I watched an interview with Amy Schumer a few years back and she said before her child was born that they aren't concerned with how the baby self-identifies, just as long as it's not self-identifying as a DJ. Is there anything you DON'T want your kid to become?
hahaha that's good. honestly i really don't want him to be a football player lol. I have a joke that's basically doing the hipster liberal version of the usually conservative "no son of mine is gonna be a gad dam balet dancer!' but I'd still say it in a southern accent and it'd be like 'no son in this family is gonna ever put on a football helmet! in this family, we do art god damn it' lol
but yea i just don't want him to get hurt.
besides that....i guess i dont want him to become anything he doesn't want to become. i dont want him to do shit he thinks he's supposed to, or to take the safe route because he's scared to take the scarier path. but i also don't wanna force any of it onto him cuz then he'll definitely resent me and be like 'ugh my parents are so weird they keep saying i need to do artsy stuff' and then he'll become an accountant.
also i hope he's not like, a banker - those guys mostly suck.
I also hope he doesn't become an actor lol because if he became famous I dont know if i could handle it lol. Also because its a brutal day to day life filled with pain and rejection and I would prefer he not do that. But if he did, I'd train him to be the best actor ever and then we'd hit the road as a father son duo etc etc
q: did you want to be an editor when you grew up? How'd you get into it? also, what does developmental editor mean?
Ummm nope. I basically got to college and I thought really long and hard and said "I like writing and listening to people and making them feel heard," so I went with journalism. When I worked at the newspaper, I was really good at listening and reading between the lines of what people are trying to say and it's kinda morphed into different jobs over the years.
I've seen the potential in things from a pretty young age, which made my parents really scared that I was materialistic, snobby, going to hell, you know, the usual. But really I just see how things can be better and how people can feel better. I also have killer survival instincts. (See the pun there?) Which helps in assessing what's real and what's not and how to escape a car trunk. I see potential. I see a way out of where it's crummy and how to get to the better spot. So I do that with people's writing right now, but I also just like helping people get to a better place.
Also, my massage therapist told me the other day that I'm psychic, so I have that going for me.
To answer the last question: Developmental editors are focused on the sniff test around the readability / convinceability of someone's work. Is there something that's never been said (great!), or if it has, is the writer saying it in a way that's exceptional and will open up doors for readers? Like that 82-year-old woman who's writing about the orphan raised by prostitutes in 1950s west Texas. Not only is her story outline really good (have YOU heard that story told anywhere before??), but her ability to write dialogue between characters is in the top 3 I've ever read. And dialogue is sooooooo hard to get right. It also helps that I have a lifelong audio recording of everything I've ever read (thanks autism), so when there's a "blip" in the radio static, that's when I know I've found something to keep reading... and I just have this ability to help writers stay above the radio static.
p.s. good word on no football. brains are so important and football is not nice to brains.
Ahhh I forgot about the 82 year old woman!! Yes of course. Dang that sounds like a really great job !! Do you work w all sorts of writers fiction and non fiction or like a specific niche ?? Any crazy client stories??
Apr 28, 2023·edited Apr 28, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
My most recent client is the first time I've really dove into a fiction work as the lead dev editor where I'm challenging assumptions, character inconsistencies, plot holes. I mainly work with narrative-driven non-fiction. I was telling the hubs the other day that being an editor is basically like being a life coach: my job is to listen and figure out how to help them say the thing they really want to get out, but don't quite know how. Stay tuned on that epiphany.
Crazy client stories. Uhhhh I try SO hard to be really clear about who I work with, but one time things went WAY sideways with a client whose former work had been funded by Rupert Murdoch 🤦🏻♀️ . The book itself launched beautifully, but in the aftermath, he stopped paying me for consulting calls while he was trying to get his next gig. And all I could think was, "I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my dog and my bank account says $14.88. Daddy Rupert needs to pay me." Also my current client is hilarious and half my time so far has been spent helping her find where she saved a file. (We recently moved to google docs so she can't re-save and edit the same chapter 13 different times -- true story, no exaggerating. 13 different versions of one chapter.) FWIW, I have never agreed to work with someone whose book was scattered across a haphazard HP hard drive. I just really believe in her story and potential.
also to be clear this is going on ALL DAY so ask your questions whenever you goofballs
EDIT: After a full week or so I answered ALL the questions - no more new ones till the next yama maya babes
Hi Alex! Idk if I can legally participate in these since we work together but consider me a lawbreaker bc I have a question about (starting a) family! So here I am. Lately I've been reading a lot of Jane Ratcliffe's interviews with various creative, loving, wise, smart folks, most of whom are older than us by a generation or so and most of whom have children, and there is this clear-as-day message of hope in all of their conversations. Literally all of them say very similar things on the subject of hope, without Jane prompting them. It's a message that's like: we gotta keep putting in the work for future generations; we're not gonna fix everything or get it all right, but we gotta keep trying for the people who come next, and our life gets better by trying, too. Now, I'm not saying I'm belly-up, towel thrown. And I'm not saying I don't agree - I do! Wholeheartedly! Ripple effects! We gotta try! But I AM saying that I'm really scared. I'm scared to be hopeful enough to start a family of my own or enough to even be thrilled when friends and siblings start their own families. Truthfully, I just feel scared for everyone and their kids. I know this fear doesn't help anyone and it's holding me back and blah blah. I've read the Brene Brown books. I've heard the wisdom on daring greatly and living bravely. I can even point to a good few instances where I've succeeded in doing so. But my question for you is: as someone with a child, how did you get so brave as to hope for their future and their children's future? Not just your own future of 5 minutes or 50 years from now, but brave enough that you can hold hope for the generations to come?
Erin hi yes this is very unorthodox and I did alert several vigilante justice units (they r better than police they say) just as an FYI but I also told them all the great work you're doing for BAT and they were so impressed so they might hit you up for some marketing help
everyone listen up – hire Erin she's the best person to help with just about all things substack and I say this with no lies in my heart
ok onto your super simple, easy to answer question. hmmmmmmmmm….I mean. I have a lot of thoughts. I'm trying to first think bout my own relationship with hope and how much / little I have of it. Cuz in general, I don't have much. But that's mostly for myself. Like, I just don't allow a lot of hope in or something.
In terms of the world and future generations - One thing that happens when you have a kid is you get tinier and the world gets bigger. You literally are living with your next of kin, the one who, were this england in the way backs, would take the throne from you if he had his little way that jackal.
But it definitely gets smaller. And when it gets smaller, you realize how little you matter. I don't feel nihilistic though, quote the opposite. I feel free. And aware of what I can do. A big part of which is raise this little kid to not be terrible. To help people and, since he's a man, to treat women with equality while understanding how there's so much of society set up for him to not do that.
I guess what I'm saying is, when you have a kid, you really don't have any option but to have hope for the future. Like, you can't be hopeless because doing so would mean being hopeless for your own kid and no one would do that. I guess some rich people just throw money at the problem and look to protect them and their own, but that seems sad.
Also, idk if I'm all that brave about any of it. at least not most of the time. I heard somewhere that doing something brave just means doing it for like 5 seconds. then you can go back to being your own bumbling lil self. You can even be belly up towel down for most of the time - who cares!
Like, nowhere does it say you HAVE to be anything. If you're hopeful, great. If you're not, also okay! I think what's most important for me with our son is to let him in on that journey. To tell him how its hard to have hope and to listen to what he has to say in return. Usually kids have a lot more hope than we do but mine is only two and his great hope is simply for BIG ONES BOOKS and TRASH TRUCKS.
Wait, trash trucks are a perfect example! I didn't give two shits about them before he was born. But man does he love them. He obsesses over them. He made me stop and look at them and truly marvel at how incredible they are! Like holy cow they are insane machines and so essential to our lives and no one stops to give em a lick of a think besides the babies.
I would say you can prolly free yourself from the pressure of it all, and the weight of it. Which means accepting that you don't know what is going to happen, hope or no hope. And then from there, deciding bout having a family or not becomes a different thing.
Aaaaand I would say, again, alot of the hope comes because of the kid. It's a - and I hate this phrase - forcing function- yuck what a bad phrase ew i mean each word in there sucks forcing? function? no i can't, it's a nudge in the right direction, that's all.
We did think a good amount about like 'is it ethical and okay to bring someone into a world that seems like its on the edge of a cliffy cliff of destruction?' To which we basically realized, 'yea, because we believe the world will be better with him in it. ' and we will be better people in and of the world as a result. Are we right about that?? idk!
buuuut and also - once you have the kid you just realize, again because you feel small and tiny, how little of a deal it all is, and how people for all of history have been on the brink of the edge and they've managed to keep things together and even when they didn't they pretty quickly went 'oops' and started to fix what they'd fucked up and that overall people are neutral or good and the darkness is just fear and there are psychos too but you're not one of them and i hope i'm not either but maybe we all are and anyways who cares we cannot change who we are.
there's a big thing with all the climate saving stuff (i'm on board btw I love the climate) that says HUMANS DID BAD HUMANS HAVE TO FIX which again, yes it is true, but it continues the belief that made humans fuck things up in the first place which is this separateness from the earth and its elements. Dominion over things. And that's bullshit. we are the earth the earth is us. And its all way more complicated than we could ever frikkin imagine. no one knows shit but we do know that it feels goood to help others and take care of each other and, for some of us, to raise a family.
In short - life is a trash truck.
Q: wow, did any of that make a god damn lick of sense?
Q: did it help? its ok if it didn't.
Q: I'm curious what you are most concerned about when it comes to the future and all that. does putting it into words help not make it so scary?
Who is your second-favorite Madeline?
Trick question. There is second best. Just Madeline Albright. She’s the one and only
Q: fav underapprecistes Taylor swift song ???
DON'T BLAME ME
(that's literally the name of the song)
Why do you want your son to think you are cool? If he thinks you are cool he will never leave home. Teenagers are supposed to think their parents are dumb. It is how we get rid of them er, I mean encourage their independence in a healthy way.
hahaah ok this is a great point. I guess I just need everyone in my life to think i'm cool. my son included. as I get older, there's less opportunity to be seen as cool so I'm just tryna put all my eggs into this one basket that is the little child who lives in my house.
q: do ur kids think you are dumb??
Only in the most realistic way. I am, in fact, not as academically gifted as them. They don’t think I am dumb in general. When they were small they delighted in me then at about age 8 their friends became cool. By the time they left they held some animosity yet after they had to do their own dishes I gradually became accepted again. Now they love me cause I can babysit. It’s probably one of those cycle of life things.
damn that's beautiful but I really dont want the age 8 moment to happen. What happened between 8 and the time they left??
I became a chauffeur. They just loved doing things at school or with friends or organized sports. Stuff like that. You probably remember that moment when your Mom became an embarrassment and you wanted to handle things yourself In any case the parent child bond is naturally very strong so even when parents or children are bad that bond lasts and is difficult to destroy. So relax. You are a very fun cool dad
been waiting for someone to say it
Why do we grow up trying not to be like our parents and then end up becoming like our parents?
because we have always actually been like our parents in some deep way that is both obvious and frustrating - they are our models for the world and so we do everything like them AND part of becoming little adults is differentiating from them which means thinking everything they do sucks and getting angry at them all the time. Then as an adult you realize (or I am realizing) that they are actually just children too and everyone is really a child and there are no adults and we're all juts these lil kids running around trying to be loved and not get hurt
by then you also maybe have a kid and you gotta protect them from dying and so the circle of whatever the fuck continues
Q: what are some ways you are like your parents?
My gift of sarcasm (mom), my tendency to be emotionally unavailable (dad), and oh so much more…
There's this Jim Gaffigan joke I love about what it feels like to have a third kid. He says, "It's like you're drowning. And someone throws you a baby."
But what if I already feel like I'm drowning sometimes? I know you know the gist of my sitch (that was kind of a cool rhyme, btw), but for others reading this, I have a 14 yo stepdaughter and an almost 5 yo daughter who has cerebral palsy. We aren't planning on having another kid, though. So my question is really how do I do all the things I want to do in life while also not totally dropping the ball and not being there for my family?
lol the first thing I thought reading this was this quote:
“The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is, there’s no ground.”
― Chögyam Trungpa
I think that about sums it up. Meaning - all the things you say are true -
you will drop the ball
you are there for your family
you will do all the things you want to do in life
and you will have another kid (jk)
the third one is the hard one, right? 'how will I do all the things I want?' well, you dont really know what you want to do in life - only the you at the end of your life can answer that, and that guy will definitely say, no matter what, that you did all the things you wanted to do
like, what if you just accept that all of the things are going to happen for sure, and that experiencing them in the day to day is what life is about. Cuz the "doing all the things in life" goal breaks our brains because we are trying to assess whether we finished a race while running the race (also the race does not have a clear end).
So when you get to the end, you'll have finished the race - its inevitable.
Did this make sense? I haven't had coffee
Q: What are the top 3 things that you want to look back on your life and say you did ?
This is such a great answer, Alex
I also appreciate that you challenged my thinking around the things I want to do. Ultimately, what I think I want is to be able to pursue ambitious projects while maintaining a certain level of autonomy and not sacrificing security (especially from a financial standpoint), which is a difficult line to toe, let alone find
God what a good and impossible question. Also thanks for crediting Jim Gaffigan. I forgot it was him who said that when I riffed on it and said (of my child’s corn allergy) “it was like I was drowning, and then someone threw me an ear of corn.” I need to write that shit up one day.
hahahaah
Do you have a entertainment/literary agent?
so its complicated! on the lit side, no! I've never really tried cuz i figure it's better if one of them reaches out to me if they're interested.
with acting, yea! I have a bunch of diff agents that do diff things - one for commercials, one for tv/film in LA, one for everything in Austin. It's very weird but they love dividing up territories and types of work.
I also have a manager, which is like an agent but...different? ppl say when you're successful the manager is more hands on with helping you figure out what roles you want to take on next, like they help you shape your career lol. but i don't get enough jobs for that (yet?!)
So in short - yes for acting, no for lit stuff!
Q: do you have afformentioned agents? do you think its even necessary to have them anymore?
None just now but had one (for a year) when I was a screenwriter back in 1993 (yeah, I'm that fuckin' old). I think I'll need one as I complete a TV drama pilot script I'm writing now and shop it around while rewriting the script and putting together a show bible. If not a literary/entertainment agent, at least an attorney for contracts, negotiations, etc. Short answer: if you don't have a biz head (and I really don't), yeah you need what they can do. MM
hell ya to all this and more
my parents are dead and i dont have KIDS wtf!!! feel like red headed step child here but crashed anyways ask away
lol um. ok let's give it a whirl - i love your comments, though they are always shrouded in mystery. which is cool. but who is the real appleton king, or at least one version of appleton king you are okay sharing
ha read my posts from the beginning (cool elp tune as you know) its all real my name my life my loves and yeah that MUST be shrouded in mystery
when are you gonna put my messy ass shelf on youy damn newsletter mofo ha
you're in the queue
Has Hollywood called you yet?
No! Its texcted a few times, and sometimes it'll even call but when I pick up, no one is there. Idk, I'm sort of at the end of my patience with auditioning, i just sorta hate it lol and i dont feel like i'm getting the traction I'd need - A few people have really liked my scripts and stuff and so maybe that side will take off, I'm just not very hopeful
which is okay! Because I feel super hopeful about my own work including and mostly this substack. Like, this feels like a path toward making a life for myself doing creative work and that feels very good.
would i like hollywood to call and give me a frikkin part in a movie/? yes. I just trained my brain a long time ago to never have any hope in this industry because I used to and it broke me every time I didn't end up getting the thing.
q: i sorta asked this in the last post but - what's your relationship w hollywood?? did it call? did u call back?
Need more chaos? When will Wilder get a sibling?
hahah more chaos is always good! I do feel like we've finally gotten to the point where things feel relatively stable over here, so yea, why not let's get a second one in here. We definitely want to have another kid but who knows when / if it'll happen ! It's never a guarantee so I don't wanna be like 'in the next two years' cuz who knows!
I definitely want to have another kid though just so I can experience what siblings are from close up. I was an only child and it was looooonely and I am always jealous of people with siblings, how they talk about it and how they are - it just feels like this indescribable complicated mess of a bond and I want to, selfishly, I know, have front row tickets to see how such a bond is formed
q: wait so i read one of yoru posts and it said you were auditioning for stuff? tell me more!
q: what are 1-2 realizations you've had about life that have made everything make sense, even if just for a little while?
I highly recommend anther kid. Timing it in between movie parts, the red carpet, appearance on the Kelly Clarkson show, will be tough. Auditions for me are in the past, another life and about 7 homes/moves ago. Auditioning sucked. It wasn’t until I did a one woman show (who didn’t have one in the late 80s, early 90s) when I got two guest starring roles on Seinfeld. I also did guest starring roles on a couple of failing sit coms. Betty White had me fired— that might be a post. May she RIP. I later learned she was the mean girl of The Golden Girls. Realizations? Not everyone is Betty White. Leaving LA was a great decision. I grew up there— I needed real weather and buildings erected before 1957. My sis and dad are still in So Cal and I love to visit— so I can take a break from real weather and old buildings. Except currently I’m in the PacNoW. Meh weather and buildings that look like storage containers. Another realization, given all our moves— home is where the love is.
"Betty White Got Me Fired" -- hell, I'd name a whole Substack that!
wow ok i am sorry to fangirl but what episodes of Seinfeld
Now that I know where you are from, I can ask the question: What is your favorite heritage food/dish? 2 questions: What is your mother’s best dish?
1. My fav dish as of these days is prolly a big mash of Mediterranean stuff - shawarma, hummus pita turnips etc. I’m gonna order some tonight in fact
2. It’s changed over time! She and my dad have become a lot healthier meaning a lot less Russian hahah. They love making honey bread which is exactly what you think, and also a morning oatmeal that they swear by.
My fav food of hers is a real basic eggs only omelette. It reminds me of being lil and eating it and loving it.
Q: same two questions back at ya!!
I have one answer for all three of your questions. A family acid trip. Loved it both times. Question for you: What are the pros and cons of raising a child in America?
I am sorry for the delay. I was waiting for an answer from my dad who is far more equipped to answer since he’s seen both sides. Here it is
I would say to raise free independent thinkers children. There's a lot of possibilities and opportunities and this is the best country to do it.
But you still have to remind your children consistently not to be floogers (Russian for wind vane )
The only huge disadvantage is that children here don’t have the luxury to grow up in the capital of humor of the world
---
There you have it
Q: what are some misconceptions ppl have about you / your culture
“The only huge disadvantage is that children here don’t have the luxury to grow up in the capital of humor of the world.” I asked my partner, who’s from Kyiv, if she also thought people from Odesa had the best sense of humor in the world. Now, for a Kyivite to admit something is better in Odesa doesn’t happen, but she nodded with a smile and said “It’s unique,” which I think translates to “Yes” in this case.
Anyway, misconceptions about my people or culture? I was born in Chile. Most of my family is from Belgium. I was raised in Canada, and now I live in Spain, so I don’t really have “my people.” I started jotting down all the misconceptions about these places, but I realized I was writing an article, not a comment. I’m going to think this though a bit more and post something on my page. Thanks for the prompt, Alex.
hahhaah omg "SHE ADMIT IT" (i think you should leave reference if u watch that show)
also hell ya lmk when the post goes out!
I had no idea this was only for paying subscribers. I feel infinitely cool now. My question: how do you come to terms with bad decisions people in your family make when you know you definitely know better and even do the favor of telling them so and yet they still refuse to listen?
Haha this is the first one for paid only! Hmmm this is sorta similar to Jason’s question in this thread - how do we accept that other people (who are obviously idiots) don’t see everything like we do( the right way, we r smart)
Lol so yea that’s one thing - admitting you may not be right (from their pov)
And also more importantly - it doesn’t matter who is right. You’re not going to convince the other person unless they want to be convinced. Or until they’re ready (they may be waiting for you to come around too!)
It helps if you can remember times you’ve been wrong in the past. It’s never happened to me - I’ve always been right- but I could see it helping other people. Not me tho, I’m always right (not sure if I said this already)
Q: what’s one thing you have always thought you were right about that you now realize you’ve been wrong about
Omg Alex. All of parenting?
I think in general the idea that everything is one way or another is something I have let go of as I’ve grown and seen how complex things really are. That’s a kind of unsatisfying answer though so lemme think more.
no thats perfect! it shouldn't be satisfying haha that would mean it was conclusive and the point is that nothing is (i think)
Ok. So I’m so curious about your first question about grappling with parents as they are vs. who we want them to be. It’s something I’m curious about how you think about for all humans really, but I see the urgency of grappling with that for parents. Also, how are you thinking about grappling with who Wilder is/will be vs. who you want him to be (consciously or subconsciously)? I’m thinking about ways I wish my parents would see me on my terms vs their own - so the reverse of your original question.
hi Jason thank u for this question its a genuine brainbuster which means its a good question.
ive been thinking about it for a little while and all my responses converge to a basic idea which feels like a zen koan or daoist precept of, like:
once you stop trying
to change other people
because you can't, btw,
they will feel you not trying to change them
which will then change them
or like
the only way to change other people
is to stop trying to change them
lol does this make sense?
so take our parents. I want my parents to be different in so many ways, most of which stem from our early years of coming here to america and me needing them to be NORMAL so the other kids would like me and us and i could have freinds to watch wrestling matches with.
but people, especially parents, are smart. so they can feel me trying to change them, which makes them defensive and doubtful, on their heels, afraid of being who they are while also not wanting to fucking change because how dare their dumb son ask them to do that after they have already changed so much.
so - if I accepted them, which isn't like a one time accept/don't accept switch, but a daily choice blah blah meaning its hard and usually I forget, BUT if I accept them and do not want them to be any different than they are, then they can feel that and they will feel more free to be their authentic selves (which is different from who they have had to be, given my need to change them). and once they're more free to be their authentic selves AND I no longer want them to be anything different from that - then I have a feeling I'm gonna think they're pretty damn cool. This is a hope and a dream, it happens rarely but I do aspire to it, i think.
Now, much like most main streets in the country, this is a two way street. they also need to accept me. they're trying tho, i can feel it, but they don't succeed always nor do I, but we still both try and that's all we can ask, I think.
in terms of who wilder is vs who i want him to be - right now I have a lot of control over that. for example, i am teaching him to say 'in this economy?!' as a response to basically anything and everything. this will be comedically perfect and great for everyone involved.
but for real, I think the same principle applies. I want to shape him by not trying to shape him. so that the meta-lesson he learns is that he can decide for himself and that me and laur are going to support him. this is so easy to say in theory. but what happens when he starts drinking his friend's blood cuz he saw it on tiktok? I truly don't know.
I also think there's a difference between how it goes when you are raising kids vs when they are adults. But as adults, i think your parents can't help but see you on their own terms. BUT their terms can include yours. their terms can broaden to include what you want to be and who you are.
BUT - and here's the real rub of it all - they might not. And you can't change that. So you might have to accept that there exists an infinite distance between those two things that shall never be traversed. Which sucks, and also, is true. You can then grieve that and be mad about it and throw lemons at the ground if no one is around, but then maybe you'll come to a place of acceptance which, going back to the beginning of this, they will see and then be like 'oh shit, Jason doesn't care what we think. Respect."
Idk dude. its all impossible but it always works. both are true (ring the bell)
shit I forgot to ask you a question ok here it is: if you dont mind sharing - whats one part of you that you feel like your parents don't really get / see.
also if that's too intense, since you're a teacher (me and jason are close buds in IRL), how do you see kids at age 7 or whatever age you teach now - how are they handling this question. do they care what their parents think about them? do they even have a strong sense of self yet? and what role do parent's expectations play at this point
Long time admirer, first-time subscriber/question asker here! What would you say is both the secret to your success/longetivty and your favorite curse word?
Heya Justin! Welcome and thanks for becoming a paid subscriber - that means a lot!
Secret to my success??? and longevity?!? this is a hard question to answer for someone who constantly thinks of themselves as a failure who is just starting out hahah but I also admit that I have had a lot of success and have been doing this a long while which means, ring the bell, both are true!
idk if i have any secrets, but one thing that's happened lately, like sometime in the last year of writing, is that my voice sorta finally emerged. Or most of the criticism spiderwebs that were not allowing me to write honestly finally got cleaned out, and I became way more comfortable with writing in a style that I love and that works for me, which is this sorta stream of unconscious thing lol. Like, something clicked or I just wrote long enough where the things keeping me from doing it went away, and what was left was just this sense of ease and calm. from which it became easier to write, and also to be funny on the page.
Like, there's a lot more of a sense of 'the good stuff is gonna happen because I am here writing' as opposed to 'i gotta come prepped with the good stuff.' and sometimes it works out! sometimes it doesn't too.
as far as longevity, i mean idk I feel like i just can't stop. like if i stopped i'd explode. because the ideas wouldnt have anywhere to go. working through them and figuring stuff out has been so therapeutic for me too, which has made me fall in love with it! Another thing that helps is the phrase 'good enough for long enough.' like i do not have to change the world with every piece. All I gotta do is keep showing up and doing the work and having faith that some good shit may come of it.
my favorite swear word?! Honestly, and maybe this means I'm a square, but I love me some 'fuck.' I love saying it and I say it alot! not like, on its own but as part of a sentence like 'what the fuck' or 'why the fuck would i do that' or 'there's no fucking way that would ever actually happen' i just love how it sounds and I know people have an anti-swear thing of like, they're overused blah blah but that's bullshit - they're great and more than any of that, they just come naturally ! Like, I don't have to think too hard about it, and the fucks just come. So I'm not gonna not say them. I also enjoy writing stuff and including the word fuck. That's a nice tie back to the first thing about how like, I'm just sorta writing whats in the brain dome.
q: what is YOUR fav swear word? And your fav non swear word? And your least fav swear word? and your least fav non swear word?
I watched an interview with Amy Schumer a few years back and she said before her child was born that they aren't concerned with how the baby self-identifies, just as long as it's not self-identifying as a DJ. Is there anything you DON'T want your kid to become?
hahaha that's good. honestly i really don't want him to be a football player lol. I have a joke that's basically doing the hipster liberal version of the usually conservative "no son of mine is gonna be a gad dam balet dancer!' but I'd still say it in a southern accent and it'd be like 'no son in this family is gonna ever put on a football helmet! in this family, we do art god damn it' lol
but yea i just don't want him to get hurt.
besides that....i guess i dont want him to become anything he doesn't want to become. i dont want him to do shit he thinks he's supposed to, or to take the safe route because he's scared to take the scarier path. but i also don't wanna force any of it onto him cuz then he'll definitely resent me and be like 'ugh my parents are so weird they keep saying i need to do artsy stuff' and then he'll become an accountant.
also i hope he's not like, a banker - those guys mostly suck.
I also hope he doesn't become an actor lol because if he became famous I dont know if i could handle it lol. Also because its a brutal day to day life filled with pain and rejection and I would prefer he not do that. But if he did, I'd train him to be the best actor ever and then we'd hit the road as a father son duo etc etc
q: did you want to be an editor when you grew up? How'd you get into it? also, what does developmental editor mean?
Ummm nope. I basically got to college and I thought really long and hard and said "I like writing and listening to people and making them feel heard," so I went with journalism. When I worked at the newspaper, I was really good at listening and reading between the lines of what people are trying to say and it's kinda morphed into different jobs over the years.
I've seen the potential in things from a pretty young age, which made my parents really scared that I was materialistic, snobby, going to hell, you know, the usual. But really I just see how things can be better and how people can feel better. I also have killer survival instincts. (See the pun there?) Which helps in assessing what's real and what's not and how to escape a car trunk. I see potential. I see a way out of where it's crummy and how to get to the better spot. So I do that with people's writing right now, but I also just like helping people get to a better place.
Also, my massage therapist told me the other day that I'm psychic, so I have that going for me.
To answer the last question: Developmental editors are focused on the sniff test around the readability / convinceability of someone's work. Is there something that's never been said (great!), or if it has, is the writer saying it in a way that's exceptional and will open up doors for readers? Like that 82-year-old woman who's writing about the orphan raised by prostitutes in 1950s west Texas. Not only is her story outline really good (have YOU heard that story told anywhere before??), but her ability to write dialogue between characters is in the top 3 I've ever read. And dialogue is sooooooo hard to get right. It also helps that I have a lifelong audio recording of everything I've ever read (thanks autism), so when there's a "blip" in the radio static, that's when I know I've found something to keep reading... and I just have this ability to help writers stay above the radio static.
p.s. good word on no football. brains are so important and football is not nice to brains.
Ahhh I forgot about the 82 year old woman!! Yes of course. Dang that sounds like a really great job !! Do you work w all sorts of writers fiction and non fiction or like a specific niche ?? Any crazy client stories??
My most recent client is the first time I've really dove into a fiction work as the lead dev editor where I'm challenging assumptions, character inconsistencies, plot holes. I mainly work with narrative-driven non-fiction. I was telling the hubs the other day that being an editor is basically like being a life coach: my job is to listen and figure out how to help them say the thing they really want to get out, but don't quite know how. Stay tuned on that epiphany.
Crazy client stories. Uhhhh I try SO hard to be really clear about who I work with, but one time things went WAY sideways with a client whose former work had been funded by Rupert Murdoch 🤦🏻♀️ . The book itself launched beautifully, but in the aftermath, he stopped paying me for consulting calls while he was trying to get his next gig. And all I could think was, "I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my dog and my bank account says $14.88. Daddy Rupert needs to pay me." Also my current client is hilarious and half my time so far has been spent helping her find where she saved a file. (We recently moved to google docs so she can't re-save and edit the same chapter 13 different times -- true story, no exaggerating. 13 different versions of one chapter.) FWIW, I have never agreed to work with someone whose book was scattered across a haphazard HP hard drive. I just really believe in her story and potential.
hahahahah incredible. I feel like there are two deep truths in what you wrote:
1. rich people are the most difficult to get to pay for creative work
2. people with the best stories always keep them on hp hard drives