32 Comments

This is completely deranged, Alex, and I endorse it from beginning to end, apart from a few details: the facts, the words, every other part of it.

That said, I do things differently. Every Black Friday, I make a point of going through Amazon, adding every Black Friday item I like the look of to my basket, looking at the grand total at the end, and then I go out and spending that exact amount on tubes of Pringles. In this way, I guarantee I'm wasting my money on something that I KNOW I will use COMPLETELY and NEVER put in the cupboard and forget about and feel REGRETFUL about. I KNOW that within one terrible day of zero self-control all those Pringles will be GONE and I can feel good about this, even while physically feeling as bad as a human body that's inhaled dozens of kilograms of fried fat and salt is able to feel.

Sure, my health is utterly ruined and last year I spent £4,900 ($2.85bn) on Pringles, but my conscience feels, well, actually it feels nothing. That's how I know I've won. Numbing is winning.

Expand full comment

Hahaha I laughed and loved this so much.

I’m so on the anti-black Friday bandwagon. Also funny when people buy a truckload of environmentally friendly products. Like the most environmental thing is to just not buy anything...

Expand full comment

Great morning read, didn't expect girl math to help explain Black Friday but worth every moment.

Expand full comment

As a person who owns nothing (except some rocks which I have collected over the years and can't quite seem to part with and a silly amount of excess paper/ half torn out notebooks etc) I thoroughly endorse this campaign. I sure hope it makes everyone as much money as you say. It seems to check out, but I'm not great with maths.

Expand full comment

i bought myself two (2) spicy margaritas does that count

Expand full comment

fuck me up i love potato skins

Expand full comment

But what do I do with the tent that I purchased to camp outside of Best Buy with!??

Expand full comment

Sir, I’m just trying to buy new patio furniture and some cleats. Why must you bring existential conflict into the decision while I wrestle with the overwhelming force of my upbringing in capitalism?

Expand full comment

hahaha.. your math is so awesome! But seriously, there's some truth in this. I only plan for Black Friday strategically.. e.g. if there's some software I want to buy in September, I'm like.. can I hold it until Black Friday, maybe it's better deal then? Otherwise, there's always Boxing Day, rigth? lol

Expand full comment

What I'd pay the whole $36,217.20 for on Black Friday or Rainbow Thursday is to know what it's like to live in your head.

Expand full comment

I’ve been working in marketing for 13 years. Most sales aren’t really sales, they were inflated prior to Black Friday to have enough margin to cut from

Expand full comment

Everything actually somewhat sorta held up until the $500 graphic, where the math went off the rails. But you definitely get extra credit for showing your work ✅

Expand full comment

Like Benjamin Franklin said, " A penny saved is a penny earned".

Expand full comment

lol "Patron of the Farts" chart is great theres more to come i suspect in lampooning Substack shit i would....btw speaking of Black Friday (can we just FUCKING STOP Talking about black Friday hehe) you beijn a Mass. kid MUST be aware of the latest horror movie out "Thanksgiving" which i hear derives its vengeance from a Black Friday incident...maybe you mentioned it here but i tend to skim

sometimes... sands in the hourglass and all that.....enjoy

Expand full comment

“an Austin, TX slogan brainstorm” 👏 also the witness protection program jokes! 💯 finally, the cyber Monday dismount... 👊🏾

Expand full comment

We are doing a Black Friday sale at my jiu jitsu school this year. I hope this helps!

Expand full comment