32 Comments

This is completely deranged, Alex, and I endorse it from beginning to end, apart from a few details: the facts, the words, every other part of it.

That said, I do things differently. Every Black Friday, I make a point of going through Amazon, adding every Black Friday item I like the look of to my basket, looking at the grand total at the end, and then I go out and spending that exact amount on tubes of Pringles. In this way, I guarantee I'm wasting my money on something that I KNOW I will use COMPLETELY and NEVER put in the cupboard and forget about and feel REGRETFUL about. I KNOW that within one terrible day of zero self-control all those Pringles will be GONE and I can feel good about this, even while physically feeling as bad as a human body that's inhaled dozens of kilograms of fried fat and salt is able to feel.

Sure, my health is utterly ruined and last year I spent £4,900 ($2.85bn) on Pringles, but my conscience feels, well, actually it feels nothing. That's how I know I've won. Numbing is winning.

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I don't know if EVERYTHING is amazing but THAT response WAS amazing. So there you have it.

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Omg that is A LOT of Pringles! I hope your micro biome has adapted….

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Hahaha I laughed and loved this so much.

I’m so on the anti-black Friday bandwagon. Also funny when people buy a truckload of environmentally friendly products. Like the most environmental thing is to just not buy anything...

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Great morning read, didn't expect girl math to help explain Black Friday but worth every moment.

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As a person who owns nothing (except some rocks which I have collected over the years and can't quite seem to part with and a silly amount of excess paper/ half torn out notebooks etc) I thoroughly endorse this campaign. I sure hope it makes everyone as much money as you say. It seems to check out, but I'm not great with maths.

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i bought myself two (2) spicy margaritas does that count

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fuck me up i love potato skins

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But what do I do with the tent that I purchased to camp outside of Best Buy with!??

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Sir, I’m just trying to buy new patio furniture and some cleats. Why must you bring existential conflict into the decision while I wrestle with the overwhelming force of my upbringing in capitalism?

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hahaha.. your math is so awesome! But seriously, there's some truth in this. I only plan for Black Friday strategically.. e.g. if there's some software I want to buy in September, I'm like.. can I hold it until Black Friday, maybe it's better deal then? Otherwise, there's always Boxing Day, rigth? lol

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What I'd pay the whole $36,217.20 for on Black Friday or Rainbow Thursday is to know what it's like to live in your head.

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you can pay me that if u want

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I'll have to go back and re-read how to make it first. I'm sure it will work just as you said so the check will be in the mail shortly.

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I'd pay a lot more to *not* know that, actually.

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You could be right.

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I’ve been working in marketing for 13 years. Most sales aren’t really sales, they were inflated prior to Black Friday to have enough margin to cut from

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Everything actually somewhat sorta held up until the $500 graphic, where the math went off the rails. But you definitely get extra credit for showing your work ✅

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Glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed! Otherwise A+ for this whole thing!

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Like Benjamin Franklin said, " A penny saved is a penny earned".

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lol "Patron of the Farts" chart is great theres more to come i suspect in lampooning Substack shit i would....btw speaking of Black Friday (can we just FUCKING STOP Talking about black Friday hehe) you beijn a Mass. kid MUST be aware of the latest horror movie out "Thanksgiving" which i hear derives its vengeance from a Black Friday incident...maybe you mentioned it here but i tend to skim

sometimes... sands in the hourglass and all that.....enjoy

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“an Austin, TX slogan brainstorm” 👏 also the witness protection program jokes! 💯 finally, the cyber Monday dismount... 👊🏾

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We are doing a Black Friday sale at my jiu jitsu school this year. I hope this helps!

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