The ONE Black Friday Deal they DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT
this deal will change everything i gotta send this before they shoot a dart into my neck and silence me becau-
This is a special holiday episode of Season One: I’m (Not?) The Best, a multimonth exploration of all the ways in which I am not enough like for example how I don’t have enough of the right good stuff thank god for sales.
It’s Black Friday, the biggest American holiday of the year. And let me tell you, the deals this year are GOOD.
The holiday is good. Heck, I basically invented it.
The year was 1978. One of the old farts was president, and things were looking up.
There I was, sitting criss cross applesauce at a meeting with the big boys - Baby Bezos, Mama Macy, Walter Walmart) when outta nowhere Bezos — definitely in his ‘I gotta prove myself’ phase, he goes “These holidays are killing us! WE need a holiday - something big. Something bold.”
Crickets. No one said even a peep.
In the back of the room, legs up on the table, doing a rubik’s cube very fast, I said, “Black Friday.”
Bezos said, “Huh??”
“Loaded potato skins. Green bean fries. Philly cheesesteak egg rolls,” I said.
“Whaaa” everyone replied.
“TGIF” I said.
Marty Walmart, Walter’s idiot younger brother, said “Thank god it’s Friday?”
I looked up at him and quickly redid the rubik’s cube so it spelled out the word “yup” in green.
Then I said “Friday’s the best day of the week - everyone knows that.”
A room full of silent nods.
“So we take Friday and we make it weird.”
“Freaky Friday??” Walter and Marty screamed at the same time like a couple of rats.
“You mean the Jamie Lee Curtis - Lindsey Lohan bodyswap picture owned by…” and I paused for dramatic effect, “…Disney?”
Everyone literally hurled into whatever receptacle was closest. Bezos puked out the window (back then skyscrapers had windows, different time, different crime).
Even back then, all of the industry titans agreed on one thing: Disney was the Devil.
“Not Freaky Friday,” I said, standing up onto the table. “Black Friday, you dingleberries.
Silence. for a while like 20 min maybe?
Eventually, Mama Macy stood up and whispered, “Black Friday, you dingleberries.”
And we all started saying it really fast and faster and even faster still until FINALLY we were just saying “Black Friday.”
And then, to add incense to injustices, Marty Walmart - who needed a win at this point - says, “The Friday after Thanksgiving is when everyone’s books go from being in the red to in the black.”
And I looked at him and I said, “Marty you son of a bitch, you just might run Walmart some day. That cover story is genius.”
And he started crying and so did his brother Walter who, up until this point, was heir apparent to the Walmart throne.
That’s how it happened. I was there.
And that is why I know the biggest secret of the day the one that no one is supposed to know
Remember the image above? The one Larry wasn’t supposed to share with anyone?
Well let’s just say Larry is…dead. It was an accident I just invited him out for hibachi and the waiter guy tried to cut some steak but cut Larry’s neck and it’s a MESS of a lawsuit BUT it made it very easy for me to sneak into Larry’s house and get the actual raw file with the secret:
And here it is:
DO NOT BUY ANYTHING ON BLACK FRIDAY
I WILL explain how this works but I ask you please to make sure you’re:
sitting down
with someone you love
near water and bread and a bed in case you need any of them because of the overwhelm that shall inevitably overtake you as you read this
We’ll start with an example.
Then, I’ll dive into the details of HOW it works. I really cannot stress this enough: the math that follows is not for the faint of heart. It is a complicated paradox of time, space, and trauma that has bested many and worsted more.
Legally, I am not responsible for anything that follows. Thank you.
Let’s begin with the product that is on everyone’s mind this Black Friday
I know you know what I’m talking about:
I think I speak for us all when I say, daddy wants!!
As you can probably see, the Black Friday deal for the OCOOPA 2in1 Magnetic Rechargeable Hand Warmers 2 Pack, Electric Hand Warmer, Pocket Battery Operated Heater, UL Certified, 3 Heat Settings, Tech Gifts for Men,Purse Must Haves, Essentials, UT3 Lite is already frankly insane.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
The math here is fairly sound. $23.99 is a whole lot less (20% in fact) than $29.99.
But here’s where things start to get a little…weird.
I don’t claim to fully understand what’s happening either. Like UFOs and the show two and a half men running for 12 full seasons of television, some things cannot be explained.
But nevertheless, these things happened.
As did what I’m about to show you.
What would happen, theoretically speaking, if you just didn’t buy the $23.99 electronic hand warmers?? You’d literally save $23.99!!
Okay yes these hand warmers are not only a PURSE MUST HAVE but also TECH GIFTS FOR MEN not to mention of course they are ESSENTIALS, but let’s take a look at the math here.
Watch this:
And folks, when I say it’s about to get weirder than an Austin, TX slogan brainstorm, I mean it.
Because you don’t just save 23.99.
You MAKE 23.99.
Watch this:
But wait, there’s less
And it isn’t just luxury items like the OCOOPA 2in1 Magnetic Rechargeable Hand Warmers 2 Pack, Electric Hand Warmer, Pocket Battery Operated Heater, UL Certified, 3 Heat Settings, Tech Gifts for Men,Purse Must Haves, Essentials, UT3 Lite.
Say there was something you really actually needed like couldn’t live without I’m talking like eggs and bread and milk and gas and of course a Original Peloton Bike | Indoor Stationary Exercise Bike with Immersive 22" HD Touchscreen (Updated Seat Post)
Which is on 24% sale and only costs a reasonable affordable and totally good time price of $1095.00 (down from the insane and no way in jose’s hell price of $1445.00).
But you know yourself and you know that you’re gonna get bored with that one peleton bike so you decide to buy thirty peleton bikes (given the sale) setting you back a cool 36k andthensome.
BUT WITH THE BATDAY SALE ITS $0.00!!!
Not only that. BUT YOU ARE $36,217.20 RICHER FOR NOT BUYING ALL THOSE OVERPRICED BIKES.
Something doesn’t feel right about this…
For all the geniuses in the room who are thinking “Um…ok sure, yes, this is a sweet hack and I’d never thought about it before but guess what, ‘Alex,’ it doesn’t work!!”
To which I’d say, playing dumb like Batlock Holmes, “it doesn’t??”
And then the genius would say, all proud like he’d just cooked some pasta without help, “Nope! Because when you don’t buy the product, you also DO NOT GET THE PRODUCT THAT YOU WANTED TO BUY!!”
To which I would say…
Exactly
You don’t need any of the dumb shit that’s on Black Friday sale This is the true beauty of my system. If you do it correctly, you will end up with:
Loads of cash
No electric heat turds, no peletons, etc
That’s right. You make money AND you won’t even get the overpriced stationary bike that you could get an exact non Peleton replica version of used at an estate sale for $50 or, get this, an actual bicycle that can actually take you places that are not in your room. (No shade to the stationary cycle warriors, I am one. I go hard in the darkness.)
“But I need that new thing”
No you don’t. Most of us have all that we need — a bed, water that flows freely, toilet stuff, and some crayons for doing pictures. That’s basically it! Food, as well.
A lot of people don’t even have that stuff. Now if Bezos, the Walmart brothers, and Mama Macy wanted to make Black Friday a mutual-aid-a-thon where everyone buys stuff for the people who need it until no one is homeless, that’d be great!!
And also maybe pay all of their employees to, idk, stay home on Thanksgiving and the day after to be with their, idk, families?
Prolly dumb forget I mentioned it.
If you’re reading these words, I’ve somehow managed to get this out to the public. I’ll probably go into witness protection (note to self: can anyone use that program, or do you have to be a ‘witness’ and if so, what sorts of witnesses apply?)
Until I come back, most likely next next Black Friday or maybe, MAYBE, on BF’s sex-craved cousin, Cyber Monday, just remember the slogan:
“but what do I do with all my money savings?”
Easy. You take the 36k+ you saved and you way overpay for a Patron of the Farts subscription to Both Are True:
OR you could just get a normal monthly or yearly subscription with - get this - 19% off. That's a crazy amount. It means that you only pay $5.53 per month. That’s about 0.01536111% of the cost of 30 peletons. Just saying.
OR you could not pay for any BAT subscription and be richer even still. Sure, but then you wouldn’t be helping the one guy in that meeting of the Walmart brothers, Bezos the bb, and Mama Macy who currently does not own a fortune 5 company so idk ur call whatever.
for real
I am thankful for you all for reading for saying nice things for being here.
Comments:
What dumb shit did you NOT buy this Black Friday
What even dumber shit did you end up buying?
How are you doing emotionally and mentally after having your mind blown by this paradigm shifting protocol?
What will you do today instead of buying more dumb shit on the Black Friday sales?
How are you feeling about…cyber monday.
This is completely deranged, Alex, and I endorse it from beginning to end, apart from a few details: the facts, the words, every other part of it.
That said, I do things differently. Every Black Friday, I make a point of going through Amazon, adding every Black Friday item I like the look of to my basket, looking at the grand total at the end, and then I go out and spending that exact amount on tubes of Pringles. In this way, I guarantee I'm wasting my money on something that I KNOW I will use COMPLETELY and NEVER put in the cupboard and forget about and feel REGRETFUL about. I KNOW that within one terrible day of zero self-control all those Pringles will be GONE and I can feel good about this, even while physically feeling as bad as a human body that's inhaled dozens of kilograms of fried fat and salt is able to feel.
Sure, my health is utterly ruined and last year I spent £4,900 ($2.85bn) on Pringles, but my conscience feels, well, actually it feels nothing. That's how I know I've won. Numbing is winning.
Hahaha I laughed and loved this so much.
I’m so on the anti-black Friday bandwagon. Also funny when people buy a truckload of environmentally friendly products. Like the most environmental thing is to just not buy anything...