So you wanna quit Twitter (and start using Substack) - a tell all guide.
Everything you've ever wanted to know about how to leave Musklandia.
Hello and welcome BATheads new and old to the newsletter that’s “hard to explain, but easy to love” - Michael Estrin, writer of Situation Normal.
Before we dive into today’s mini essay, a couple announcements:
I recorded an audio version of this post VERY FAST because Lauren’s sister is visiting - so it’s weird and lots of background noise and I talk “too fast” according to Lauren. Lauren’s sis comes at the end too - it’s a disaster tbh
I’ve become obsessed with Gifcities - a collection of GIFs from the old web days of Geocities. You’ll find them scattered throughout:
I published Part One of a two part essay all about living far away from your parents - check it out here: My dad refuses to drink water, and stay tuned - Part Two drops this coming Tuesday!
I also did an interview with Valorie Clark about my favorite subject: rejection! Check it out for a real doozy of a story about the time I almost booked a Subway commercial: On Rejection: Alex Dobrenko.
So you wanna quit Twitter (and start using Substack) - a tell all guide.
So there I was, wind in my hair and also at my back, classic wind stuff, I'm sitting there writing this essay all about how to move from Twitter to Substack, something I’ve been doing for the last six or so months.
But something felt off, and it wasn’t the light switch. There's this gross feeling I had, like why was I writing this? For what end? The answer, I am ashamed to say, was some combination of the following:
I saw a BIG OPPORTUNITY, a migration from twitter to Substack and I have stuff to share
I thought the post could go viral!
Once viral, the post would help me get more subscribers for my Substack!!
A lesson from improv
There's a thing you’re taught when doing improv: Say you’re in the wings, meaning you're watching the scene from the sidelines. That means you’re in the important position of being able to jump into the scene as a new character or cut the scene and start a new one.
When you’re in that position, you’re gonna have ideas pop into your head for super funny jokes, things you could come in and say that will be so hilarious, the crowd will take off their clothes and start singing “Paradise City” by the Guns And Their Roses.
If that happens - if you get one of those genius ideas that you’re sure is gonna be hilarious, DON’T GO INTO THE SCENE, because 9 times out of 10 and usually the tenth time too, you'll go out there and say your genius idea it'll bomb.
Your brilliant idea will bomb because you’re going out there all confident, thinking you’re smart and clever, that this joke will definitely work and guess what? The audience sees all that. They feel your weird energy and don’t much find it funny.
It’s self serving, too, going out there and trying to be funny. People can smell that sorta stink a mile away like they’ll be a mile away from you and go “PU.” Funny is an emergent property of all sorts of other things - truth, vulnerability, honest reactions, making yourself look dumb, slippin on banana peels, etc.
So too with writing, I believe.
The “So You Wanna Leave Twitter and Use Substack” post is a version of that "genius idea in the wings.” I was so SURE it would work - a banger of such immense proportions that it would shake Twitter and Substack to their digital cores, the result of which would be such astounding increases in subscriber numbers that the poor developers at Substack would have to call my home phone and say "Alex, sir, we are so sorry to say this but the sheer volume of new interest has taken our entire site down. We'll be back up soon, and we are so sorry."
In both cases I’m CONFIDENT of the result: people will laugh and love me and tell their friends about me and I'll become not only rich, but famous too.
And here's the deal babe, it doesn't work, at least not in my experience. And if it does, it feels bad, like I tricked people. Pulled one over on them.
Wanna know the craziest part?
Here’s the first ‘tip’ I had included in my original post about how to switch from Twitter to Substack.
TIP ONE: Stop looking for bangers.
I spent the pandemic becoming so twitter pilled that all I wanted was to come up with a 'banger', aka a tweet that went viral, that did numbers, that blew up, etc. A few months later my brain was thinking in tweets, and only bangers would do. This turned my poor human mind into a tweet factory of shame and illrepout. I did not like it and yet I craved it. It being that sweet sweet viral juice, that endless fountain of attention that is in no way reel but feels like you have won the idea lottery, that your idea has been selected from amidst the wreckage of all known tweets and there you are, the champion.
Substack isn't like that.
Do you see it? The forks when all you need is a knife? The downpour of rain on your wedding day? The IRONY!? I was writing about not looking for bangers on Substack AS PART OF AN ESSAY I WAS ANTICIPATING TO BE A BANGER.
Yet another classic case of the pot calling the pot black. (no kettle needed, it’s 2022).
I think what makes people fascinating is conflict, it's drama, it's the human condition. Nobody wants to watch perfection. - Nicolas Cage
(I added that Nic Cage quote a while back and don’t remember why but I sure as shit am not gonna remove it)
I didn’t write that essay
I wrote this instead. And I no longer have that bad feeling in my tummy, because I didn’t sell out as bad as I could have. Because I can look myself in the mirror and say “what the hell is happening with my hair am I balding or is this just bed head do I need to start rogaine again that stuff is so greasy I wonder if anyone has ever called him Joe Rogaine I mean it’s too easy for someone not to have done it,” instead of “you balding ass sell out crappo.”
For myself I will remember a simple rule of thumb: if the main reason for writing something is to benefit your standing in the marketplace, prolly don't do it, cuz it ain't it.
A CAVEAT
Now let’s not kid ourselves, which btw is also a new age term for getting pregnant. “kid yourself” - get it? Nice.
Does my choosing not to write the dumb listicle make me some sort of Substack Saint, writing only for the good of the people and not thinking about myself even a little? Fuck no. Several times while writing THIS essay I also thought to myself - ah maybe I’ll post to Twitter and it will go viral cuz I’m being super honest and Vulnerable and people will love me and I’ll be rich!
That feeling, as far as I can tell, and it ain’t that far, doesn’t go away. It is human blah blah insert evolutionary psychology reason for why humans do what they do because of how our brains were wired in the Sahara Desert or some shit.
But the difference is that here, it isn’t THE MAIN reason. Know how I know? Because I enjoyed enjoyed writing this and, in the process, I worked through something, which is usually what most connects with others, the universal living inside the personal etc.
Ending
I woulda probably ended the first essay something like this:
My mental health on twitter was in the toilet - anxious, full of shame and regret and self hate, and that was a good day when things were going well. It was a genuine poison rotting my brain from the inside, turning my every thought into a tweet, bad sad and mad.
Now that I’m on prescription Substack meds once a day, I’m healed! No, I’m not, but I feel less bad which, according to top scientists at MEyeT is another way of saying better. And if that ain’t good, I don’t wanna know what is why the hell is this article still going oh right there are no word limits on Substack they’ll just let you write and write and write and -
*Lights go black*
*Lights come back up*
*Audience claps because the show is over*
And that’s our show everyone! Thanks for coming out, this is a free show but we do very much live and die from your donations so please do consider becoming a paid subscriber of Both Are True:
Wanna share this? Great.
What about you?
Are you or have you ever been a Twitter head? Or other social media addict?
Do you relate, like do you feel like every post of yours needs to be a ‘'banger,’ either on here or other places?
Are you happy and how the heck do you do it?
What else what else?
that mouse/rat gif make it stop
A NIC CAGE QUOTE