Oct 24, 2023·edited Oct 24, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
Funny, cuz when you wrote "I love the search," I thought you meant about getting high, because the search, and the unexpected is also often one of the components of addiction—the thing that delivers an extra surprise kick—but weed is so easy to get that I imagine there wasn't much of a search involved, and so, no search, and no surprise there.
Although these days the line goes that addiction is the opposite of connection, or caused by a chronic lack of connection, if we follow that back looking for the source, the lack of connection is how our culture works, and so 'the reason' why so many of us have addictive tendencies or addictive stages of life or, like me, much-of-lives devoted to chasing booze, cigarettes, porn, speed, kinky sex, "investing," mostly very lonely travel trips, and shopping, etc. (I'm sure I forget a few in the list)—oh yeah, social media, of course, is... our culture itself. A giant, very unsatisfying machine that we, ourselves, in a very fucked-up way, designed, unconsciously, and that renders us slavering for the latest TCHV edible, a double hit of Molly delivered with a tongue up the ass, a weekend psychedelic ceremony led by some shaman named Scott from Santa Monica, or even a trip to Vegas—anything to distract for a moment.
I used to think I wasn't addicted to anything, and also that one can't get addicted to weed because it's not addictive, but my views about addiction have shifted to a more psychological perspective, where it's kinda possible to get addicted to just about anything. Not saying it's not a good idea to stop using the thing, as you and I both have, but, and, one perspective among many others that helped me is Adi Jaffe's book The Abstinence Myth, which really crystallized the fact that the substance isn't the egg; of course, it's our own selves (and the culture around us). His thinking draws a lot on Stanton Peele's Love and Addiction, which is also pretty nifty.
because I'm shameless like you, I'll share that I interviewed Adi Jaffe here:
and you almost stole my title! My book is called An Ordinary Disaster!
Good on ya Alex. I remember reading this when you first posted it, and it was worth reading again. Glad you cleaned up too , at least with the dab, I tried that shit once and jesus man, I was high for a week!
Adi Jaffe is fascinating! i completely agree with his approach to recovery, that you can't start it until you're ready to start. i remember listening to a podcast episode where he says he sees clients who haven't 'quit' whatever it is they're trying to 'quit' yet, because you can't dole out ultimatums off the bat, you have to meet them where they are.
So so so so so SO GOOD. The stream of consciousness writing captures that high macromicro energy perfectly. Glad you got sober and it’s bringing you good things. I’ve got 18 months & 2 weeks myself and man it’s the best thing I ever did. And absolutely agreed with god is the search. Continually trying to fill that god-sized hole really got exhausting. Cheers to you 💕
Oct 24, 2023·edited Oct 24, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
Wow. What an incredible journey. It was painful to read, and I felt for Lauren. Here's a stranger saying I'm proud of you and thank you for sharing your journey.
Do you feel you could offer any advice for conversation starters for those of us in Lauren's position with loved ones or friends?
Oct 24, 2023·edited Oct 24, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
Thank you! I'm aware of these resources- I was looking for the author's perspective as an addict and what conversations friends and loved ones can have, if any. :)
You know how much I love your honesty, and I am really glad you reposted this, even though I also know how hard it can be to put yourself out there in this fashion. Thanks again for just being you and absolutely good enough.
When I had a near death experience from an ectopic pregnancy, I heard a voice say “Nothing matters and Everything matters.” And I felt such a feeling of delight and awe.
Reading this piece -- incredible and I thank you for it -- was like reading my own thoughts and experiences so well articulated that I had to stop multiple times and just smack my hand to my forehead. I'm 20 years old, recently "recovered" (whatever that means) from severe, crippling depression, and six months and eight days sober. As an ex-stoner whose struggled to keep my cool in conversations with people who heard that weed isn't addictive (though this idea has no relevance in their lives, they tend to run with it) and can't understand that my experience is not an exception to this "rule", this work made me feel like a real person, one who isn't alone in this experience. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to my face "at least it wasn't nicotine, that's way harder to quit". Excuse me? That's a joke. That is a joke. Right? How could a drug that ALTERS YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY be easier to quit than one that doesn't? Not only do stoners crave weed in just the same (and often more extreme) ways as nic addicts crave vapes/cigarettes, but they have to be SOBER while they do it. I'll save you all from the extent to which I could rant and rave about this misconception.
All this to say, as someone with a suicide attempt and (very real) addiction in my history, it was extremely validating and beautiful to read this wonderfully crafted, chaotic yet simultaneously grounded, and so supremely human piece of writing. Thank you Alex, from the bottom of my heart.
Reading this felt like feeling it, if that makes sense.
My weed addition was embraced and kicked to the curb on 10/29/23. My daughter’s 9th birthday.
I couldn’t get my shit together to BE THERE FOR IT… so my Lauren… who has her own name… commanded me to take a hit of my Pen. 15 seconds later, everything was perfect. Except that I suddenly loathed my Pen. I had been using it to get high to keep me stable for years.
I felt then that IT was using ME. Using me to use it up so I would buy another. And another. IT needed me to get high. And stay high. And get to the next high.
For years it felt like it was my superpower — and why would my blind, stubborn Lauren (with a different name) want me to give up a superpower???
And it was my superpower. It helped me not hear the voices in my head drowning out ideas. It turned off the overlapping competing mental radio stations and sparked laser focus. For writing. For cleaning. For talking to my mom.
It unlocked my best self. Until it didn’t. Until I couldn’t even be my selfself without it.
Something else crept in too, a lack of seeing the future. Because I couldn’t see three days ahead without weed, I couldn’t see 5 years ahead or 10 or growing old. It felt like death was imminent. But weed made those alarming, icky feeling go away, too.
And not using weed made the alarm come back louder than before. I wasn’t suicidal. But I was something that doesn’t really have a name. I was jealous of dead celebrities. They had had their bright burning fame. AND they were done. Done with the struggle. They were remembered fondly. I was jealous of most palpably of Matthew Perry. And I couldn’t shake it. I didn’t want to join him (and the chicken?) on the other side. I envied him fully. Matthew Perry was so lucky, my mental broken records kept repeating. It was an ugly feeling. But it swallowed me.
Other signs preceded this. A Father’s Day card with a list of ways to be happy that ended with “smoke a joint” written with tiny hands. I shared it as if it were adorable. I hated the path I was blazing to happiness through my example.
After that last Pen hit fixed me, I never hit it again. It’s been 6 months 29 days.
Maybe that’s why I read this today and felt like I was feeling it. If that makes sense.
2PS-es.
1. I don’t feel that jealously at all anymore and that feels so good. I see the future again.
2. Starbucks Egg Bites, if you haven’t tried them, are the bomb.
Many oofs. Weeping here at Great Wolf Lodge. Mostly because it’s just beautiful, banging writing, but also because so much of it feels familiar. Not necessarily that I’d medicate with high potency drugs, but the mad scramble to feel better/do better/flee the situation of a hectic brain at war with itself using a menu of unhealthy salves. Thank you 🐓
This is so beautiful and haunting and relatable. I'm wondering if you got the nightmares when you went sober? The nightmares were the thing that made me know it was a problem. The broken relationships, the nights missed in favour of smoking weed at home alone, the need to skin up before any sort of social engagement, they all felt worth it despite my better self clearing his throat in the room next door. It was the nightmares that made him burst in and shake me by the collar.
Thank god for beloveds like Lauren.
This is a searingly great piece of writing.
Uh, I mean "I Am Going To Ruin You, My Nemesis" or whatever etc and so forth.
But today, let's put that aside and agree you absolutely nailed this piece.
Funny, cuz when you wrote "I love the search," I thought you meant about getting high, because the search, and the unexpected is also often one of the components of addiction—the thing that delivers an extra surprise kick—but weed is so easy to get that I imagine there wasn't much of a search involved, and so, no search, and no surprise there.
Although these days the line goes that addiction is the opposite of connection, or caused by a chronic lack of connection, if we follow that back looking for the source, the lack of connection is how our culture works, and so 'the reason' why so many of us have addictive tendencies or addictive stages of life or, like me, much-of-lives devoted to chasing booze, cigarettes, porn, speed, kinky sex, "investing," mostly very lonely travel trips, and shopping, etc. (I'm sure I forget a few in the list)—oh yeah, social media, of course, is... our culture itself. A giant, very unsatisfying machine that we, ourselves, in a very fucked-up way, designed, unconsciously, and that renders us slavering for the latest TCHV edible, a double hit of Molly delivered with a tongue up the ass, a weekend psychedelic ceremony led by some shaman named Scott from Santa Monica, or even a trip to Vegas—anything to distract for a moment.
I used to think I wasn't addicted to anything, and also that one can't get addicted to weed because it's not addictive, but my views about addiction have shifted to a more psychological perspective, where it's kinda possible to get addicted to just about anything. Not saying it's not a good idea to stop using the thing, as you and I both have, but, and, one perspective among many others that helped me is Adi Jaffe's book The Abstinence Myth, which really crystallized the fact that the substance isn't the egg; of course, it's our own selves (and the culture around us). His thinking draws a lot on Stanton Peele's Love and Addiction, which is also pretty nifty.
because I'm shameless like you, I'll share that I interviewed Adi Jaffe here:
https://bowendwelle.substack.com/p/e18-unhooked-and-connected-with-dr
...and I've written a lot about my own addictions, although with less Starbucks, e.g.
A Five Minute Love Affair with Natural Wine
https://open.substack.com/pub/bowendwelle/p/a-five-minute-love-affair-with-natural
and -- Sex is Better Sober!
https://open.substack.com/pub/bowendwelle/p/sex-is-better-sober
and you almost stole my title! My book is called An Ordinary Disaster!
Good on ya Alex. I remember reading this when you first posted it, and it was worth reading again. Glad you cleaned up too , at least with the dab, I tried that shit once and jesus man, I was high for a week!
Adi Jaffe is fascinating! i completely agree with his approach to recovery, that you can't start it until you're ready to start. i remember listening to a podcast episode where he says he sees clients who haven't 'quit' whatever it is they're trying to 'quit' yet, because you can't dole out ultimatums off the bat, you have to meet them where they are.
Glad you know the name! His little book is great, and he led me to Stanton Peele, who AFAICT is really the originator of the modern lens on addiction.
So so so so so SO GOOD. The stream of consciousness writing captures that high macromicro energy perfectly. Glad you got sober and it’s bringing you good things. I’ve got 18 months & 2 weeks myself and man it’s the best thing I ever did. And absolutely agreed with god is the search. Continually trying to fill that god-sized hole really got exhausting. Cheers to you 💕
Wow. What an incredible journey. It was painful to read, and I felt for Lauren. Here's a stranger saying I'm proud of you and thank you for sharing your journey.
Do you feel you could offer any advice for conversation starters for those of us in Lauren's position with loved ones or friends?
Alanon, a life saver, you can find in person or zoom meetings, any time of day anywhere in the world. Feel free to email me if you are interested.
Thank you! I'm aware of these resources- I was looking for the author's perspective as an addict and what conversations friends and loved ones can have, if any. :)
“Two birds, one stoned.” 🐦🤣
Yes, this!
You know how much I love your honesty, and I am really glad you reposted this, even though I also know how hard it can be to put yourself out there in this fashion. Thanks again for just being you and absolutely good enough.
No words, Alex. Just such a good essay. Thank you.
+1 and thinking of how much you've given to your loved ones by becoming sober. Thank you for doing that!
I'm married to a "sober alcoholic" (as he likes to call himself) who stopped drinking in 2011. I'm very thankful.
Heavy, honest, raw. Thank you for this Alex. Your writing is truly exceptional, and the fact that you share yourself here is a gift.
When I had a near death experience from an ectopic pregnancy, I heard a voice say “Nothing matters and Everything matters.” And I felt such a feeling of delight and awe.
This is the essay that made me a BAT head. Got me hooked. you could say...wait.
Reading this piece -- incredible and I thank you for it -- was like reading my own thoughts and experiences so well articulated that I had to stop multiple times and just smack my hand to my forehead. I'm 20 years old, recently "recovered" (whatever that means) from severe, crippling depression, and six months and eight days sober. As an ex-stoner whose struggled to keep my cool in conversations with people who heard that weed isn't addictive (though this idea has no relevance in their lives, they tend to run with it) and can't understand that my experience is not an exception to this "rule", this work made me feel like a real person, one who isn't alone in this experience. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to my face "at least it wasn't nicotine, that's way harder to quit". Excuse me? That's a joke. That is a joke. Right? How could a drug that ALTERS YOUR PERCEPTION OF REALITY be easier to quit than one that doesn't? Not only do stoners crave weed in just the same (and often more extreme) ways as nic addicts crave vapes/cigarettes, but they have to be SOBER while they do it. I'll save you all from the extent to which I could rant and rave about this misconception.
All this to say, as someone with a suicide attempt and (very real) addiction in my history, it was extremely validating and beautiful to read this wonderfully crafted, chaotic yet simultaneously grounded, and so supremely human piece of writing. Thank you Alex, from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you Norah for sharing - genuinely
Reading this felt like feeling it, if that makes sense.
My weed addition was embraced and kicked to the curb on 10/29/23. My daughter’s 9th birthday.
I couldn’t get my shit together to BE THERE FOR IT… so my Lauren… who has her own name… commanded me to take a hit of my Pen. 15 seconds later, everything was perfect. Except that I suddenly loathed my Pen. I had been using it to get high to keep me stable for years.
I felt then that IT was using ME. Using me to use it up so I would buy another. And another. IT needed me to get high. And stay high. And get to the next high.
For years it felt like it was my superpower — and why would my blind, stubborn Lauren (with a different name) want me to give up a superpower???
And it was my superpower. It helped me not hear the voices in my head drowning out ideas. It turned off the overlapping competing mental radio stations and sparked laser focus. For writing. For cleaning. For talking to my mom.
It unlocked my best self. Until it didn’t. Until I couldn’t even be my selfself without it.
Something else crept in too, a lack of seeing the future. Because I couldn’t see three days ahead without weed, I couldn’t see 5 years ahead or 10 or growing old. It felt like death was imminent. But weed made those alarming, icky feeling go away, too.
And not using weed made the alarm come back louder than before. I wasn’t suicidal. But I was something that doesn’t really have a name. I was jealous of dead celebrities. They had had their bright burning fame. AND they were done. Done with the struggle. They were remembered fondly. I was jealous of most palpably of Matthew Perry. And I couldn’t shake it. I didn’t want to join him (and the chicken?) on the other side. I envied him fully. Matthew Perry was so lucky, my mental broken records kept repeating. It was an ugly feeling. But it swallowed me.
Other signs preceded this. A Father’s Day card with a list of ways to be happy that ended with “smoke a joint” written with tiny hands. I shared it as if it were adorable. I hated the path I was blazing to happiness through my example.
After that last Pen hit fixed me, I never hit it again. It’s been 6 months 29 days.
Maybe that’s why I read this today and felt like I was feeling it. If that makes sense.
2PS-es.
1. I don’t feel that jealously at all anymore and that feels so good. I see the future again.
2. Starbucks Egg Bites, if you haven’t tried them, are the bomb.
Damn man I’m just seeing this. Thank you for sharing. The parts about there being no future beyond today hit hard
I love your writing. There a quickness to it and a density of humor that makes every article feel perfectly too short.
Many oofs. Weeping here at Great Wolf Lodge. Mostly because it’s just beautiful, banging writing, but also because so much of it feels familiar. Not necessarily that I’d medicate with high potency drugs, but the mad scramble to feel better/do better/flee the situation of a hectic brain at war with itself using a menu of unhealthy salves. Thank you 🐓
Thank you 🥚
I really have no words, except Wow, which is criminally insufficient. (And thank God for Lauren.)
TGFL
This is so beautiful and haunting and relatable. I'm wondering if you got the nightmares when you went sober? The nightmares were the thing that made me know it was a problem. The broken relationships, the nights missed in favour of smoking weed at home alone, the need to skin up before any sort of social engagement, they all felt worth it despite my better self clearing his throat in the room next door. It was the nightmares that made him burst in and shake me by the collar.
So many fucked up dreams and sweating. So much sweating