Ok this is hilarious as usual but also LinkedIn is a weird dystopian society that makes no sense.
I try posting there. I can’t be “me” because I have a real job with real clients that need me to be sane. But also, it’s like, everyone speaks in this bizarre “LinkedIn language” like they’ve all been brainwashed similar to that show Severance.
You need to sign the Linked Oath of toxic positivity, never saying icky stuff, and making up stories about your kids. You need to write in a certain way, where every sentence is a new paragraph. You need to be less human and more robot.
I am a recruiter so I am essentially a LinkedIn troll. I can confirm that place is actual ick. To get a job on LinkedIn you must effectively UtiLize KeyWOrds. Job descriptions must equal Alex Dobrenko in reverse. That is my secret. We are not hiring copywriters at the moment; also I know you do not live in Texas. But maybe if you build it they will come/if you move here jobs will come??? They did for me. I hate LinkedIn--there is no room for the HAHAHAs!
Hello everyone (because I love everyone, but especially hello to those people that comment and like my posts),
I am amazing at business and also I know all the things about business and you should listen to everything I say about business.
All my comments on other people's posts, such as "so cool", "You're so right", and "wow", are definitely genuine and I don't comment on other people's posts just so that they will comment back on mine.
In conclusion, I am amazing at business and interacting with other people on LinkedIn (my LinkedIn posts are mainly about LinkedIn). Like and comment if you liked this (or even if you didn't, you know how this works)!
The moment I scrolled down to the picture of the hungry caterpillar with the caption "Become Ungovernable" was the moment that I absolutely ruined the perfect silence that all of my office mates were taking for granted. Is this a T-shirt? I need for this to be a T-shirt. Really, I just need any shirt at all. Please help.
It’s been all Matilda’s of late but that’s ok- everyone just forgot about “work” momentarily. 😂 we are a bit more subdued in how we present, given my audience is now predominantly US I’ve had to switch it up a notch - wince 😬
A very warped part of me actually wants to explain how networking on LinkedIn (sort of) works and why InMail from marketers is the 7th circle of hell. Obviously, I’m teetering on the edge of the dark side.
Laughed a lot reading this while standing at the stove stirring the supper pot. Thank you for the hilarious reprieve. Most networking platforms are about as digestible as bird seed.
I don’t use LinkedIn for I am a bartender and we get hired the old fashioned (ahem) way by lying on our resumes and using our best friend from out of state as a reference.
I do go to Costco however, and my favorite thing I ever bought there was a pair of prescription frames, Versace. Fancy. They were like $250, and proved to be much more durable than the cheap frames online, even Warby Hipster Parker. But mostly I just buy tri tip there, and feel sad that it is packaged in styrofoam.
Ok this is hilarious as usual but also LinkedIn is a weird dystopian society that makes no sense.
I try posting there. I can’t be “me” because I have a real job with real clients that need me to be sane. But also, it’s like, everyone speaks in this bizarre “LinkedIn language” like they’ve all been brainwashed similar to that show Severance.
You need to sign the Linked Oath of toxic positivity, never saying icky stuff, and making up stories about your kids. You need to write in a certain way, where every sentence is a new paragraph. You need to be less human and more robot.
You are doing good, Alex.
OOF this right here. So accurate damn.
I completely agree with para 3, Bryce!
Love Severance...bowing down to Canadian artistry on this show. Can't wait for next season.
I nearly died when I went back to Linkedin after a considerable hiatus and saw what it had become.
I am a recruiter so I am essentially a LinkedIn troll. I can confirm that place is actual ick. To get a job on LinkedIn you must effectively UtiLize KeyWOrds. Job descriptions must equal Alex Dobrenko in reverse. That is my secret. We are not hiring copywriters at the moment; also I know you do not live in Texas. But maybe if you build it they will come/if you move here jobs will come??? They did for me. I hate LinkedIn--there is no room for the HAHAHAs!
I think it should probably have some sort of warning on it - the sort that goes on cigarette packets. Bad stuff, no two ways about it.
Lol
Warning: You have entered LinkedIn, the platform of...work. You must speak only work. Here, you are work.
The warning is all around you and just says: WELCOME TO THE INTERNET
It used to be conveyed by the threat-song of a 2400 baud modem but we evolved out of hearing them: https://youtu.be/ckc6XSSh52w
1. sent you a request STAT
2. no but I should
3. BAT's #1 fan
4.
5. hotdogs, ice cream, and gasoline
6.
7. grow taller
The correct way to LinkedIn is this:
Hello everyone (because I love everyone, but especially hello to those people that comment and like my posts),
I am amazing at business and also I know all the things about business and you should listen to everything I say about business.
All my comments on other people's posts, such as "so cool", "You're so right", and "wow", are definitely genuine and I don't comment on other people's posts just so that they will comment back on mine.
In conclusion, I am amazing at business and interacting with other people on LinkedIn (my LinkedIn posts are mainly about LinkedIn). Like and comment if you liked this (or even if you didn't, you know how this works)!
Going to try this RN, will report the results, this comment is life changing!
Amazing. I am sure you will be super successful, just like I am super successful at everything, all the time.
Accurate
The moment I scrolled down to the picture of the hungry caterpillar with the caption "Become Ungovernable" was the moment that I absolutely ruined the perfect silence that all of my office mates were taking for granted. Is this a T-shirt? I need for this to be a T-shirt. Really, I just need any shirt at all. Please help.
hahah brother we should make this a tshirt
To get the big job on LinkedIn, open the website and press Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start.
Does this cheat code work on the PC LinkedIN Game? I don’t have Xbox and need job
I actually don’t know about XBOX. It works for sure on PC and Game Boy Advance.
Obviously you can't go to Costco without buying the infamous $4.99 roasted chicken. Did you really go to Costco if you didn't leave with a chicken?!
yes but it was because I'm a brand sponsor and they won't pay me to eat the chickens
dear alex,
you are good and everyone should hire you. EVERYONE.
to answer your questions:
"do you use linKediN? Can we be friends?"
i do and we can.
"Are you hiring?"
if you want to work for free, sure!
"what is your job?"
standup comedian
"What do you buy at Costco?"
nothing. vast quantities of nothing.
"How do I get a big job?"
redefine "big" and/or "job."
love you!
myq
And then there is Australia LinkedIn - and you thought we just had sharks !
hahahah wait how is Australia linkedin different
It’s been all Matilda’s of late but that’s ok- everyone just forgot about “work” momentarily. 😂 we are a bit more subdued in how we present, given my audience is now predominantly US I’ve had to switch it up a notch - wince 😬
hahaha wait what is a Matilda is that an Australian Karen ?
This made me laugh so hard this morning, I literally spat my tea out - funny bloke 😆
I sent you an invite Alex, of course we can be friends.
hell ya
10 Reasons Why You Should Cease, but NEVER Desist, to Succeed in Today's AI-Enabled Workforce:
I snorted!
A very warped part of me actually wants to explain how networking on LinkedIn (sort of) works and why InMail from marketers is the 7th circle of hell. Obviously, I’m teetering on the edge of the dark side.
Make it a listicle. Something like, "10 Ways LinkedIn Actually Helps You (Number 6 Will Anger You And Alienate You From Loved Ones)"
🤷♀️ I’d listen to that TED talk!
Laughed a lot reading this while standing at the stove stirring the supper pot. Thank you for the hilarious reprieve. Most networking platforms are about as digestible as bird seed.
How true.
I don’t use LinkedIn for I am a bartender and we get hired the old fashioned (ahem) way by lying on our resumes and using our best friend from out of state as a reference.
I do go to Costco however, and my favorite thing I ever bought there was a pair of prescription frames, Versace. Fancy. They were like $250, and proved to be much more durable than the cheap frames online, even Warby Hipster Parker. But mostly I just buy tri tip there, and feel sad that it is packaged in styrofoam.
Finally, something interesting related to LinkedIn!