"If you gaze into the navel long enough, you end up at the back, right above your butt, smelling your own farts" is the quote of the year, thank you for that. But you're right. Addictions to our sense of failure is a sure fire way to keep that dope alive. I'll say that the cliche is true: as you get older, you care less about what people think—nay—how YOU think about what other people think of you. This morning I got into a webhole about Gen Z ripping on Mills for their skinny jeans and tucked-in sweaters and ankle boots, and for a split second I thought, omg I'm Gen X and even MORE uncool. But then felt the gentle soft weight of not-caring embrace me like a Snuggie (that I wouldn't wear to the mall per se, but maybe to the post office). Stellar story arc of a season, Alex. I hope there are new gems materializing in your BATcave.
I really enjoyed this season, Alex. You're not alone with these thoughts. Also want to say that my mom got famous (as an actress) when I was a kid living in a rural town a zillion miles from where she had to do her big, glamorous work. It never made me proud. It made me lonely. And my dad downshifted his acting career and stayed home. He was also a writer, and obviously that was available to him right at the kitchen table, and so he sat there every day, back curved, muttering over his legal pads, scribbling and smiling. When I was a teenager I rolled my eyes at him. But now I see that the way he just worked to delight himself because he loved it was absolutely legendary. And like I said--my mom got no glory at home. We needed the money, and I appreciate that she made it, but her worldly persona will always be a little alienating. I way prefer her with no makeup and mismatched hair clips, singing off key in the car (even though she has also sung at Carnegie Hall). Anyway, all things you might consider from Wilder's future POV.
A massive thank you for the season. I am one of the fortunate ones who by nature or nurture have generally been quite happy with who I thought I was, even when I thought I was a weird little girl, or a so-so teacher, or now as the aging writer of mysteries that used to be called dismissively "mid-list," but I have spent my life listening to the self-narratives by so many of my friends who wrestle all the time with perfectionism, self-doubt, negative critical voices in their heads that rob them of their joy. So, while your writing, as are their stories, heartbreaking to me, I really appreciate that you are brave and talented enough to put those stories out there, because no matter who we think we are, or who we think other people think we are, it is always healing to know we are not alone.
I read this whole thing this morning, and with it fresh in my mind, subsequently scrolled through Instagram where one of the people I follow posted the quote/query - “who are you when you are not performing for the people inside your mind?” And if that’s not full circle then I don’t know what is!
I often feel as though I’m performing for invisible people. It’s something I’ve worked on “outgrowing” over the years, but how do you outgrow yourself? I simultaneously am aware that everyone else is too wrapped up in their own bullshit to give two shits about me, and also that we’re all judging each other all the time. How do I know this? Because it’s what I do. I love getting a glimpse into people’s lives and judging them for the outward appearance, and thus fully expect that other people are doing that to me too.
And why shouldn’t they? We’re all fucked up and messy and just trying to do something to prove to someone (anyone!) that we’re better than we really are. That we made something of ourselves. And that others should care about us. But why? It’s so fucking exhausting. I don’t want to get to the end of my life worrying that I wasted so much time trying to prove my worth to other people. It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know.
1. I don't think being the best matters, because it's subjective everywhere in life EXCEPT tests like the SAT. And even there, what if you scored perfect on the SAT while holding a gun to someone else's head? That's not the best test taker.
1 again. I like having a job that makes people think I must probably be quite smart or maybe just very nerdy. I am self-employed though, ie. no pension or support system for my old age. So after I retire from this job I will let you know if working at 7-Eleven feels like a downer.
Loved this whole thing - thanks for writing it. So much of what you wrote about resonated. In 2017 I was a new dad and trying to score high enough on the GMAT to get into a school people would be impressed with enough to give me a job people would be impressed with. When I bombed the GMAT 2 times in a row I really struggled with my self worth. I really looked to this test to qualify/quantify my self worth! It was bad! But here's the thing: I finally got the score I wanted and into a school I liked and immediately I thought "wait maybe because I was able to do this, it must not be that valuable or impressive..." sheeeeesh not nice. It felt like around every turn, there was more to do to be the best. And that never ends.
A lot of this I experienced in private, trying to keep it together in front of friends and colleagues, so your openness and your ability to capture the mental gymnastics of chasing accomplishment is so refreshing and comforting.
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Also "the dark art of the armpit fart" is POETRY. I read it aloud multiple times to just hear the music of it.
not only was this fantastic, but it's why I became a paid subscriber. You're funny, and I can tell that drives you (as it should!), but when you gaze at the naval and then reflect with humor, that's where you truly shine! Thanks!
Your “I am who I think you think I am” is the first thing I’ve read on substack, and I think I’m hooked. Thank you!
Feel free to stop here, but for my own benefit:
To paraphrase, you are perfect as you are. You can always be better. Both are true.
1. No. Yes. But, how do you define “job”, and can that be a good thing?
Axioms: humans are curious. Humans have experiences that affect them. The effects of those experiences are stored in memories that are non-transient. Those memories are relativistically categorized to aid in long term survival.
Traditionally, a job is temporally transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined. Ie, the contract defining a finite deliverable others value in a particular place and are willing to pay you for you to do it for them instead of doing it themselves. My research has shown there is surprisingly little self determination in what jobs the vast majority of people have that are of this definition. Therefore I find it is of limited utility to judge ourselves or others for transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined reasons.
However, if you define job as any task you choose to take on regardless of temporal nature, spatial dependence, or externality, then it would be odd if people didn’t relativistically categorize themselves and others by the tasks that they choose to undertake when they have a choice. That seems to be within human nature, being useful for long term survival of the species.
2. You. No more. No less.
3. No and no, but I’m not a typical sample, and I’ve got the internets for searching.
Really relate to the part about disproving the concept rather than simply accepting we’re not the best. I unconsciously do that all the time. But it is a big relief if we can simply take ourselves off the pedestals (that we put ourselves on). There is no award in the end for being the best at something.
Loving this whole boomeranging of happiness to boomeranging to existential crisis to boomeranging to the infinite game. congrats on a great season!! hope the producers renew it for the second one.
"If you gaze into the navel long enough, you end up at the back, right above your butt, smelling your own farts" is the quote of the year, thank you for that. But you're right. Addictions to our sense of failure is a sure fire way to keep that dope alive. I'll say that the cliche is true: as you get older, you care less about what people think—nay—how YOU think about what other people think of you. This morning I got into a webhole about Gen Z ripping on Mills for their skinny jeans and tucked-in sweaters and ankle boots, and for a split second I thought, omg I'm Gen X and even MORE uncool. But then felt the gentle soft weight of not-caring embrace me like a Snuggie (that I wouldn't wear to the mall per se, but maybe to the post office). Stellar story arc of a season, Alex. I hope there are new gems materializing in your BATcave.
I really enjoyed this season, Alex. You're not alone with these thoughts. Also want to say that my mom got famous (as an actress) when I was a kid living in a rural town a zillion miles from where she had to do her big, glamorous work. It never made me proud. It made me lonely. And my dad downshifted his acting career and stayed home. He was also a writer, and obviously that was available to him right at the kitchen table, and so he sat there every day, back curved, muttering over his legal pads, scribbling and smiling. When I was a teenager I rolled my eyes at him. But now I see that the way he just worked to delight himself because he loved it was absolutely legendary. And like I said--my mom got no glory at home. We needed the money, and I appreciate that she made it, but her worldly persona will always be a little alienating. I way prefer her with no makeup and mismatched hair clips, singing off key in the car (even though she has also sung at Carnegie Hall). Anyway, all things you might consider from Wilder's future POV.
A massive thank you for the season. I am one of the fortunate ones who by nature or nurture have generally been quite happy with who I thought I was, even when I thought I was a weird little girl, or a so-so teacher, or now as the aging writer of mysteries that used to be called dismissively "mid-list," but I have spent my life listening to the self-narratives by so many of my friends who wrestle all the time with perfectionism, self-doubt, negative critical voices in their heads that rob them of their joy. So, while your writing, as are their stories, heartbreaking to me, I really appreciate that you are brave and talented enough to put those stories out there, because no matter who we think we are, or who we think other people think we are, it is always healing to know we are not alone.
I read this whole thing this morning, and with it fresh in my mind, subsequently scrolled through Instagram where one of the people I follow posted the quote/query - “who are you when you are not performing for the people inside your mind?” And if that’s not full circle then I don’t know what is!
I often feel as though I’m performing for invisible people. It’s something I’ve worked on “outgrowing” over the years, but how do you outgrow yourself? I simultaneously am aware that everyone else is too wrapped up in their own bullshit to give two shits about me, and also that we’re all judging each other all the time. How do I know this? Because it’s what I do. I love getting a glimpse into people’s lives and judging them for the outward appearance, and thus fully expect that other people are doing that to me too.
And why shouldn’t they? We’re all fucked up and messy and just trying to do something to prove to someone (anyone!) that we’re better than we really are. That we made something of ourselves. And that others should care about us. But why? It’s so fucking exhausting. I don’t want to get to the end of my life worrying that I wasted so much time trying to prove my worth to other people. It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know.
season one finale is good to read.
1. I don't think being the best matters, because it's subjective everywhere in life EXCEPT tests like the SAT. And even there, what if you scored perfect on the SAT while holding a gun to someone else's head? That's not the best test taker.
1 again. I like having a job that makes people think I must probably be quite smart or maybe just very nerdy. I am self-employed though, ie. no pension or support system for my old age. So after I retire from this job I will let you know if working at 7-Eleven feels like a downer.
Have not read yet, should I?
Loved this whole thing - thanks for writing it. So much of what you wrote about resonated. In 2017 I was a new dad and trying to score high enough on the GMAT to get into a school people would be impressed with enough to give me a job people would be impressed with. When I bombed the GMAT 2 times in a row I really struggled with my self worth. I really looked to this test to qualify/quantify my self worth! It was bad! But here's the thing: I finally got the score I wanted and into a school I liked and immediately I thought "wait maybe because I was able to do this, it must not be that valuable or impressive..." sheeeeesh not nice. It felt like around every turn, there was more to do to be the best. And that never ends.
A lot of this I experienced in private, trying to keep it together in front of friends and colleagues, so your openness and your ability to capture the mental gymnastics of chasing accomplishment is so refreshing and comforting.
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Also "the dark art of the armpit fart" is POETRY. I read it aloud multiple times to just hear the music of it.
not only was this fantastic, but it's why I became a paid subscriber. You're funny, and I can tell that drives you (as it should!), but when you gaze at the naval and then reflect with humor, that's where you truly shine! Thanks!
HUGE NEWS!
I read it.
Your “I am who I think you think I am” is the first thing I’ve read on substack, and I think I’m hooked. Thank you!
Feel free to stop here, but for my own benefit:
To paraphrase, you are perfect as you are. You can always be better. Both are true.
1. No. Yes. But, how do you define “job”, and can that be a good thing?
Axioms: humans are curious. Humans have experiences that affect them. The effects of those experiences are stored in memories that are non-transient. Those memories are relativistically categorized to aid in long term survival.
Traditionally, a job is temporally transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined. Ie, the contract defining a finite deliverable others value in a particular place and are willing to pay you for you to do it for them instead of doing it themselves. My research has shown there is surprisingly little self determination in what jobs the vast majority of people have that are of this definition. Therefore I find it is of limited utility to judge ourselves or others for transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined reasons.
However, if you define job as any task you choose to take on regardless of temporal nature, spatial dependence, or externality, then it would be odd if people didn’t relativistically categorize themselves and others by the tasks that they choose to undertake when they have a choice. That seems to be within human nature, being useful for long term survival of the species.
2. You. No more. No less.
3. No and no, but I’m not a typical sample, and I’ve got the internets for searching.
Thank you again!
This is great.
Thank you.
Really relate to the part about disproving the concept rather than simply accepting we’re not the best. I unconsciously do that all the time. But it is a big relief if we can simply take ourselves off the pedestals (that we put ourselves on). There is no award in the end for being the best at something.
"I am what I am, what i'm not, see I'll never be"- King Von, RIP.
You make my life so much better
Loving this whole boomeranging of happiness to boomeranging to existential crisis to boomeranging to the infinite game. congrats on a great season!! hope the producers renew it for the second one.
Great one as always, and absolutely stunned to see “mr balloon hands” come up!