"If you gaze into the navel long enough, you end up at the back, right above your butt, smelling your own farts" is the quote of the year, thank you for that. But you're right. Addictions to our sense of failure is a sure fire way to keep that dope alive. I'll say that the cliche is true: as you get older, you care less about what people think—nay—how YOU think about what other people think of you. This morning I got into a webhole about Gen Z ripping on Mills for their skinny jeans and tucked-in sweaters and ankle boots, and for a split second I thought, omg I'm Gen X and even MORE uncool. But then felt the gentle soft weight of not-caring embrace me like a Snuggie (that I wouldn't wear to the mall per se, but maybe to the post office). Stellar story arc of a season, Alex. I hope there are new gems materializing in your BATcave.
I really enjoyed this season, Alex. You're not alone with these thoughts. Also want to say that my mom got famous (as an actress) when I was a kid living in a rural town a zillion miles from where she had to do her big, glamorous work. It never made me proud. It made me lonely. And my dad downshifted his acting career and stayed home. He was also a writer, and obviously that was available to him right at the kitchen table, and so he sat there every day, back curved, muttering over his legal pads, scribbling and smiling. When I was a teenager I rolled my eyes at him. But now I see that the way he just worked to delight himself because he loved it was absolutely legendary. And like I said--my mom got no glory at home. We needed the money, and I appreciate that she made it, but her worldly persona will always be a little alienating. I way prefer her with no makeup and mismatched hair clips, singing off key in the car (even though she has also sung at Carnegie Hall). Anyway, all things you might consider from Wilder's future POV.
A massive thank you for the season. I am one of the fortunate ones who by nature or nurture have generally been quite happy with who I thought I was, even when I thought I was a weird little girl, or a so-so teacher, or now as the aging writer of mysteries that used to be called dismissively "mid-list," but I have spent my life listening to the self-narratives by so many of my friends who wrestle all the time with perfectionism, self-doubt, negative critical voices in their heads that rob them of their joy. So, while your writing, as are their stories, heartbreaking to me, I really appreciate that you are brave and talented enough to put those stories out there, because no matter who we think we are, or who we think other people think we are, it is always healing to know we are not alone.
I read this whole thing this morning, and with it fresh in my mind, subsequently scrolled through Instagram where one of the people I follow posted the quote/query - “who are you when you are not performing for the people inside your mind?” And if that’s not full circle then I don’t know what is!
I often feel as though I’m performing for invisible people. It’s something I’ve worked on “outgrowing” over the years, but how do you outgrow yourself? I simultaneously am aware that everyone else is too wrapped up in their own bullshit to give two shits about me, and also that we’re all judging each other all the time. How do I know this? Because it’s what I do. I love getting a glimpse into people’s lives and judging them for the outward appearance, and thus fully expect that other people are doing that to me too.
And why shouldn’t they? We’re all fucked up and messy and just trying to do something to prove to someone (anyone!) that we’re better than we really are. That we made something of ourselves. And that others should care about us. But why? It’s so fucking exhausting. I don’t want to get to the end of my life worrying that I wasted so much time trying to prove my worth to other people. It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know.
hahahah i love that last line - ". It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know."
I literally feel like you just wrote out my own inner monologue. In my better moments, I find that there's something comforting knowing that we're all trying to do the same thing and it's that striving to be something other than we are the makes us all actually the same? Worthy of love etc. Like, if I saw a friend striving to be better than he was I'd know it came out of fear and I would just wanna give them a big hug. The struggle is affording myself that same level of love and kindness. Hard as hell but what else is there
1. I don't think being the best matters, because it's subjective everywhere in life EXCEPT tests like the SAT. And even there, what if you scored perfect on the SAT while holding a gun to someone else's head? That's not the best test taker.
1 again. I like having a job that makes people think I must probably be quite smart or maybe just very nerdy. I am self-employed though, ie. no pension or support system for my old age. So after I retire from this job I will let you know if working at 7-Eleven feels like a downer.
so much of it is about how you think other people will think about the job. but like, do any of our friends actually care about what we do? I sorta doubt it idk
I don't have time to read every darn thing on the internet, so I'm gonna skip to the comments and ask a direct question- should I read or not? I'm assuming yes, but how can I know if I don't ask?
Loved this whole thing - thanks for writing it. So much of what you wrote about resonated. In 2017 I was a new dad and trying to score high enough on the GMAT to get into a school people would be impressed with enough to give me a job people would be impressed with. When I bombed the GMAT 2 times in a row I really struggled with my self worth. I really looked to this test to qualify/quantify my self worth! It was bad! But here's the thing: I finally got the score I wanted and into a school I liked and immediately I thought "wait maybe because I was able to do this, it must not be that valuable or impressive..." sheeeeesh not nice. It felt like around every turn, there was more to do to be the best. And that never ends.
A lot of this I experienced in private, trying to keep it together in front of friends and colleagues, so your openness and your ability to capture the mental gymnastics of chasing accomplishment is so refreshing and comforting.
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Also "the dark art of the armpit fart" is POETRY. I read it aloud multiple times to just hear the music of it.
not only was this fantastic, but it's why I became a paid subscriber. You're funny, and I can tell that drives you (as it should!), but when you gaze at the naval and then reflect with humor, that's where you truly shine! Thanks!
Your “I am who I think you think I am” is the first thing I’ve read on substack, and I think I’m hooked. Thank you!
Feel free to stop here, but for my own benefit:
To paraphrase, you are perfect as you are. You can always be better. Both are true.
1. No. Yes. But, how do you define “job”, and can that be a good thing?
Axioms: humans are curious. Humans have experiences that affect them. The effects of those experiences are stored in memories that are non-transient. Those memories are relativistically categorized to aid in long term survival.
Traditionally, a job is temporally transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined. Ie, the contract defining a finite deliverable others value in a particular place and are willing to pay you for you to do it for them instead of doing it themselves. My research has shown there is surprisingly little self determination in what jobs the vast majority of people have that are of this definition. Therefore I find it is of limited utility to judge ourselves or others for transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined reasons.
However, if you define job as any task you choose to take on regardless of temporal nature, spatial dependence, or externality, then it would be odd if people didn’t relativistically categorize themselves and others by the tasks that they choose to undertake when they have a choice. That seems to be within human nature, being useful for long term survival of the species.
2. You. No more. No less.
3. No and no, but I’m not a typical sample, and I’ve got the internets for searching.
wow thanks Scott!! I think the reason why the people attach so much to jobs is not about the job itself exactly but the fact that they were chosen for it. "I was picked which means I am special" - does that track w your thinking?
You are very welcome Alex. Thank you for putting your thoughts, and work to make those thoughts awesome, on here!
Absolutely ‘being chosen’ for a job adds to the value, both intrinsically and externally.
BLUF:
Being chosen: massively overrated
The idea we had a choice: overrated
Actually choosing: massively underrated
My comment is simply that because of the way humans are wired, we place far more importance on that aspect than it deserves in one sense (the external factors), and far less importance than it deserves in another sense (the EFFECT it has on internal value).
Ie, being chosen, in reality, is a massive overstatement for 99.99% of traditional jobs. And we internally way overvalue external factors and as humans chronically over estimate and undervalue our own choices.
Really relate to the part about disproving the concept rather than simply accepting we’re not the best. I unconsciously do that all the time. But it is a big relief if we can simply take ourselves off the pedestals (that we put ourselves on). There is no award in the end for being the best at something.
Loving this whole boomeranging of happiness to boomeranging to existential crisis to boomeranging to the infinite game. congrats on a great season!! hope the producers renew it for the second one.
hahahaha dude i was as surprised as you were. I feel like our 'coming of age' comedy YT experiences probably had a lot of overlap. Were you a GI Joe PSA guy?
"If you gaze into the navel long enough, you end up at the back, right above your butt, smelling your own farts" is the quote of the year, thank you for that. But you're right. Addictions to our sense of failure is a sure fire way to keep that dope alive. I'll say that the cliche is true: as you get older, you care less about what people think—nay—how YOU think about what other people think of you. This morning I got into a webhole about Gen Z ripping on Mills for their skinny jeans and tucked-in sweaters and ankle boots, and for a split second I thought, omg I'm Gen X and even MORE uncool. But then felt the gentle soft weight of not-caring embrace me like a Snuggie (that I wouldn't wear to the mall per se, but maybe to the post office). Stellar story arc of a season, Alex. I hope there are new gems materializing in your BATcave.
hahaha wait no I am fairly sure they were ripping on Mills Baker specifically that is just not cool
i love the idea of the not caring embrace
lots of new gems maybe we'll see but I'm trying I sure am. Thank you E.L. for being such a big fan and supporter it means the world and then some
Took me a minute to realize they weren’t shredding me specifically!!!
but how can u be sure
Haha!
HAA!! Nope, no offense to you personally Mills!
Same
I really enjoyed this season, Alex. You're not alone with these thoughts. Also want to say that my mom got famous (as an actress) when I was a kid living in a rural town a zillion miles from where she had to do her big, glamorous work. It never made me proud. It made me lonely. And my dad downshifted his acting career and stayed home. He was also a writer, and obviously that was available to him right at the kitchen table, and so he sat there every day, back curved, muttering over his legal pads, scribbling and smiling. When I was a teenager I rolled my eyes at him. But now I see that the way he just worked to delight himself because he loved it was absolutely legendary. And like I said--my mom got no glory at home. We needed the money, and I appreciate that she made it, but her worldly persona will always be a little alienating. I way prefer her with no makeup and mismatched hair clips, singing off key in the car (even though she has also sung at Carnegie Hall). Anyway, all things you might consider from Wilder's future POV.
whoa this is so fascinating thank you for sharing. what do your parents make of all of it now (or in their later years if they're no longer around)
I love this POV thanks for sharing
A massive thank you for the season. I am one of the fortunate ones who by nature or nurture have generally been quite happy with who I thought I was, even when I thought I was a weird little girl, or a so-so teacher, or now as the aging writer of mysteries that used to be called dismissively "mid-list," but I have spent my life listening to the self-narratives by so many of my friends who wrestle all the time with perfectionism, self-doubt, negative critical voices in their heads that rob them of their joy. So, while your writing, as are their stories, heartbreaking to me, I really appreciate that you are brave and talented enough to put those stories out there, because no matter who we think we are, or who we think other people think we are, it is always healing to know we are not alone.
thank you so much for this 🧡🧡🧡
I read this whole thing this morning, and with it fresh in my mind, subsequently scrolled through Instagram where one of the people I follow posted the quote/query - “who are you when you are not performing for the people inside your mind?” And if that’s not full circle then I don’t know what is!
I often feel as though I’m performing for invisible people. It’s something I’ve worked on “outgrowing” over the years, but how do you outgrow yourself? I simultaneously am aware that everyone else is too wrapped up in their own bullshit to give two shits about me, and also that we’re all judging each other all the time. How do I know this? Because it’s what I do. I love getting a glimpse into people’s lives and judging them for the outward appearance, and thus fully expect that other people are doing that to me too.
And why shouldn’t they? We’re all fucked up and messy and just trying to do something to prove to someone (anyone!) that we’re better than we really are. That we made something of ourselves. And that others should care about us. But why? It’s so fucking exhausting. I don’t want to get to the end of my life worrying that I wasted so much time trying to prove my worth to other people. It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know.
hahahah i love that last line - ". It’s hard enough to prove it to myself, and I’m one of the most awesome people I know."
I literally feel like you just wrote out my own inner monologue. In my better moments, I find that there's something comforting knowing that we're all trying to do the same thing and it's that striving to be something other than we are the makes us all actually the same? Worthy of love etc. Like, if I saw a friend striving to be better than he was I'd know it came out of fear and I would just wanna give them a big hug. The struggle is affording myself that same level of love and kindness. Hard as hell but what else is there
season one finale is good to read.
1. I don't think being the best matters, because it's subjective everywhere in life EXCEPT tests like the SAT. And even there, what if you scored perfect on the SAT while holding a gun to someone else's head? That's not the best test taker.
1 again. I like having a job that makes people think I must probably be quite smart or maybe just very nerdy. I am self-employed though, ie. no pension or support system for my old age. So after I retire from this job I will let you know if working at 7-Eleven feels like a downer.
so much of it is about how you think other people will think about the job. but like, do any of our friends actually care about what we do? I sorta doubt it idk
Totally agree. Going by how their eyes glaze over when I talk about work, lol
Have not read yet, should I?
miter what
I don't have time to read every darn thing on the internet, so I'm gonna skip to the comments and ask a direct question- should I read or not? I'm assuming yes, but how can I know if I don't ask?
checking in on this Miter
Working on it.
Read it, you'll like it.
thank you Jeannine sorry about Miter that guy is a piece of glass
After a while, I figured he was playing games. I really DID like your story, though. If Miter decided not to read it, it's his loss.
the guy is dead to me
But, but, but.... he finally got around to reading it!!
Are you sure?
Read it, you might like it. 🤣 I liked it, but I'm not you, so I guess I'm not sure...
Great, now I'm really not sure if I should read it.
Flip a coin...?
Too risky. I need someone to tell me with 100% certainty that I should read this essay.
Loved this whole thing - thanks for writing it. So much of what you wrote about resonated. In 2017 I was a new dad and trying to score high enough on the GMAT to get into a school people would be impressed with enough to give me a job people would be impressed with. When I bombed the GMAT 2 times in a row I really struggled with my self worth. I really looked to this test to qualify/quantify my self worth! It was bad! But here's the thing: I finally got the score I wanted and into a school I liked and immediately I thought "wait maybe because I was able to do this, it must not be that valuable or impressive..." sheeeeesh not nice. It felt like around every turn, there was more to do to be the best. And that never ends.
A lot of this I experienced in private, trying to keep it together in front of friends and colleagues, so your openness and your ability to capture the mental gymnastics of chasing accomplishment is so refreshing and comforting.
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Also "the dark art of the armpit fart" is POETRY. I read it aloud multiple times to just hear the music of it.
of course Michael thank you for sharing all that! 1000% agree on the whole 'if I can do it, it must suck' thing. Feels a lot like the I don't wanna be part of any club that'd have me idea. I wrote about that a while back here- https://botharetrue.substack.com/p/love-myself-knowing-what-i-know?utm_source=%2Fsearch%2Fclub&utm_medium=reader2
Also - since 2017 have you found you've gotten better (lol funny phrase) at not trying to quantify your own self worth??
not only was this fantastic, but it's why I became a paid subscriber. You're funny, and I can tell that drives you (as it should!), but when you gaze at the naval and then reflect with humor, that's where you truly shine! Thanks!
thanks so much Mike!!
HUGE NEWS!
I read it.
and?
I think it's more important to focus on the fact that I read it, but it was very good and funny.
Your “I am who I think you think I am” is the first thing I’ve read on substack, and I think I’m hooked. Thank you!
Feel free to stop here, but for my own benefit:
To paraphrase, you are perfect as you are. You can always be better. Both are true.
1. No. Yes. But, how do you define “job”, and can that be a good thing?
Axioms: humans are curious. Humans have experiences that affect them. The effects of those experiences are stored in memories that are non-transient. Those memories are relativistically categorized to aid in long term survival.
Traditionally, a job is temporally transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined. Ie, the contract defining a finite deliverable others value in a particular place and are willing to pay you for you to do it for them instead of doing it themselves. My research has shown there is surprisingly little self determination in what jobs the vast majority of people have that are of this definition. Therefore I find it is of limited utility to judge ourselves or others for transient, spatially dependent, and externally defined reasons.
However, if you define job as any task you choose to take on regardless of temporal nature, spatial dependence, or externality, then it would be odd if people didn’t relativistically categorize themselves and others by the tasks that they choose to undertake when they have a choice. That seems to be within human nature, being useful for long term survival of the species.
2. You. No more. No less.
3. No and no, but I’m not a typical sample, and I’ve got the internets for searching.
Thank you again!
wow thanks Scott!! I think the reason why the people attach so much to jobs is not about the job itself exactly but the fact that they were chosen for it. "I was picked which means I am special" - does that track w your thinking?
You are very welcome Alex. Thank you for putting your thoughts, and work to make those thoughts awesome, on here!
Absolutely ‘being chosen’ for a job adds to the value, both intrinsically and externally.
BLUF:
Being chosen: massively overrated
The idea we had a choice: overrated
Actually choosing: massively underrated
My comment is simply that because of the way humans are wired, we place far more importance on that aspect than it deserves in one sense (the external factors), and far less importance than it deserves in another sense (the EFFECT it has on internal value).
Ie, being chosen, in reality, is a massive overstatement for 99.99% of traditional jobs. And we internally way overvalue external factors and as humans chronically over estimate and undervalue our own choices.
This is great.
Thank you.
Really relate to the part about disproving the concept rather than simply accepting we’re not the best. I unconsciously do that all the time. But it is a big relief if we can simply take ourselves off the pedestals (that we put ourselves on). There is no award in the end for being the best at something.
and yet we try and try and try nonetheless. humans do be idiot
"I am what I am, what i'm not, see I'll never be"- King Von, RIP.
"And I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?" - Eminem, among the living
You make my life so much better
wow this is kind
Loving this whole boomeranging of happiness to boomeranging to existential crisis to boomeranging to the infinite game. congrats on a great season!! hope the producers renew it for the second one.
waiting to hear back still but early talks are going well
THANK YOU BECKY!!!
Great one as always, and absolutely stunned to see “mr balloon hands” come up!
hahahaha dude i was as surprised as you were. I feel like our 'coming of age' comedy YT experiences probably had a lot of overlap. Were you a GI Joe PSA guy?
lmfao OF COURSE!!! damn hadn’t thought about them in a minute!