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A 5th grade essay about how I met my wife
Alex and Lauren, sitting in a tree
Hello all the new subscribers this is a doozy of a first one to get but hey, time flies when you’re having gum. First some background: A week ago I did a poll asking what you fine readers would like me to write an essay on in the style of a 5th grader. The winner by a mile was from my own wife Lauren who suggested “An essay on how you met your wife. In the style of a 5th grader.”
So without further adoo, here is said essay.
Oh wait one more note: The essay is written by a random 5th grader named Steven Haswell. I couldn’t write it as 5th grade Alex without involving a bunch of time travel stuff and me as little Alex commenting on his future life not to mention the ways in which that would affect / change future Alex’s life so yea, I didn’t do that for all our sake.
Without any actual further adoo, here is said essay.
(huge huge thanks to Ellie, Quinn and Jack for helping me with this ilu all)
Alex and Lauren - A Love Story
Language Arts, Grade 5 - Ms. Trikowsky
When Mrs. T asked us to write an essay about how our favorite couple met I did not want to write about my parents because that is gross. I don’t want to know all those details.
So I am going to write about my neighbors Alex and Lauren who are nice and always walking their dog and baby. Lauren did not know Alex said yes to doing an interview with me so when I came over she was confused. They talked by themselves for a few minutes in the kitchen and maybe fighted. I heard them vacuuming also. Then they came out and smiled and said “ok we will tell you our story.“
How Lauren Met Alex
Alex and Lauren met while making a movie called Bloody Homecoming.
I asked them if the name of their love story would be called Bloody Homecoming and they both said “no.”
I wasn’t allowed to see the movie because it is rated Not Rated. My parents say I can only see PG13 movies even though I’m only 10 so I am 3 years early. When I’m at Mike’s house with Matt and Nate we can watch HBO Max and there are a lot of scary movies. Nate gets so scared which means he is not a good match for Brenda because she loves horror movies.
Bloody Homecoming is a horror movie. I asked my mom to watch it and she said yes but after about ten minutes she got busy and couldn’t finish. She was laughing a lot but it didn’t seem like it was supposed to be funny.
Alex was an actor in the movie and played the role of Steve Stein. Lauren was not an actor she was a makeup artist she was a makeup artist. I asked Lauren to describe what a makeup artist does and she said “they put makeup on people”. It is like they are doing halloween all year long!! I asked Lauren if she liked Halloween and she said “no” because it is too much pressure. I understand this feeling also because when I am playing rec basketball games on the green team and Brenda and her friends come to watch the games. I am so good at shooting three pointers but when Brenda is there I can’t make one.
According to the website Resources.Workable.com, a makeup artist does the following: “Movie Makeup Artist responsibilities include designing each character’s look, applying makeup products on actors’ faces and bodies and using prosthetics to create special makeup effects. If you’re detail-oriented and well-versed in complex makeup techniques, we’d like to meet you. Please include a photo portfolio of any previous works along with your application.”
More info on Bloody Homecoming
So what is the movie about? Here is the description: Three years after a tragic accident leaves a student dead at the annual Homecoming dance, a group of senior friends anxious about the return of Homecoming Night to their sleepy Southern town find themselves visited by a deadly presence from their past in the dark and desolate halls of their very own high school.
Sounds spooky! I wonder if my older sister Lucy will have this happen to her and her friends.
Based on the reviews of 715 people on IMDB.Com, it received 3.6 stars out of 10 stars. Mathematically that’s about 40%. The most common vote was 1 star out of 10 stars which is about 10%.
Here’s a chart:
Bloody Homecoming was Alex’s first movie role as an actor. He has done many other horror movies like Lumberjack Man. He does not have any Oscar or Emmy awards.
Alex says that he has to still work on other jobs because he doesn’t get to act in enough stuff and he even asked me for some money for the interview but I think he was just joking. Lauren laughed then and it sounded like how my mom laughs when she is mad with my dad.
Here is a photo of Alex in the movie.
This photo was found on pinterest with the caption “woman crush” which my older sister Judy Haswell says means that someone has a crush on the woman in the picture, but not Alex.
Here is one where Alex has his eyes closed.
Here is Alex being goofy as a “behind the scenes” photo.
Here is Alex at a dance party with his girlfriend in the movie. It is cool to see that he is shorter than her - I am only 4 foot 1 inches and am shorter than Mike and Matt and Nate and Brenda as well.
Nate is already 5 foot 2 inches and has whiskers growing on his lip. I think he has two armpit hairs also but he won’t show us.
I asked Alex how tall he was and he said “5 foot 7 inches which is actually average for movies did you know Tom Cruise is only 5 foot 5?”
Lauren then corrected him and said “Alex is 5 foot 6 inches” and Alex said “Laur” and Lauren said “what Al it’s the truth.” Lauren then looked at me and said “I am 5 foot 7 inches” That is so cool that she is taller than Alex. I have hope again about Brenda.
So Alex was lying about that final inch. This is what my parents call a white lie which is not good but not very bad. Here for example when I told you all that I loved horror movies when actually they make me really scared and I have to ask my mom to read James and the giant Peach to me afterwards so I forget about the horror movie.
How They Said Hello
Ok yes here it is:
The first thing Alex said to Lauren was when he was sitting in his makeup chair and he said “Hi I’m going to be playing Steve Stein.” Lauren says Alex was “very eager.”
What Lauren did not know at the time was that Alex was seeing another woman which is illegal so Alex was probably doing a crime.
Alex said Lauren seemed like she was out of his league because she wore a cool leather jacket. Lauren corrected him and said “fo leather”. Alex said she looked beautiful almost as beuatiful as she looks today and then he whispered “I’m sorry I love you” to her but it was very loud so I heard it . Lauren smiled and looked at me said “Al is an idiot and god I love him.”
I think this was romantic but I dunno.
When Did They Fall in Love
Alex says the night he really fell for Lauren was this. When did Alex fall for Lauren? Here is when: They were on set filming more of Bloody Homecoming which is a horror movie and Alex was trying hard to be a good actor so he asked the makeup team to hold his phone. I am surprised they let everyone have phones at all because at school we aren’t allowed to use our phones even though Nate often is texting people photos of fruit that look like butts (ask dad if this is okay to leave in).
Here is a photo of the type of phone Alex used:
this is an iphone 4s you can see it is similar to our iphone now but with a weird button at the bottom. The phone looks like it would be made for my grandpa.
So Alex gives the phone to the makeup team and the makeup team decides now to play a prank on Alex. STOPPED HERE.
And the makeup team wanted to play a prank on Alex and so they start texting him pretending to be one of the other actresses in the movie. This other actress was being flirty with Alex and so they pretended to be flirty too.
In this case however and most definitely - Ahat Alex did not know was that the person who was texting pretending to be ‘the actress’ was actually Lauren!
They then gave Alex back his phone and said ‘someone is texting you.’ Alex checked and was like ‘wow whoever I am texting is funny.’
So now Alex and ‘the actress’ who is really Lauren were texting and being funny. Alex knew that he was not really texting with ‘the actress’ but he was not sure who on the makeup team he was texting so he went over to them and said ‘tell me who it is’ and they said ‘we don’t know what you are talking about’ but they were just pretending and then Alex said ok take out your phones.
Alex was going to test them by calling ‘the actress’ and so that’s what he did.
And of course Lauren’s phone rang and Alex knew it was Lauren.
Alex says that he knew whoever he was texting with was very funny and he was very attracted to her. It’s like the famous saying from the Bible that goes ‘do not judge a book by its cover’ but Alex did not even know what the book cover looked like so it was like one of those textbooks with those stretchy bright colored covers on them. Alex just knew the inside of book and he loved it!
Lauren at that point had seen the cover of Alex’s book and also inside it and she said she was liking it too.
You could say this was a romance between two books. Maybe instead of Bloody homecoming the title of their movie would be Booky Homecoming.
Everyone Goes To A Party
What happened next? I’m glad you asked. Two weeks later the film crew had a night off and so they went to the downtown Austin Texas for dinner and drinks.
Here is a photo of Alex and Lauren and another friend Gambi at the bar that night. They are being goofy and posing as a band.
After being downtown Alex asked if he could show Lauren and her friends a restaurant that he loved. He said to them it was a local spot. Since ALex lived in Austin he was going to be a tour glide.
It was called Wafflehouse. According to Wikipedia there are 2100 Wafflehouses in the United States. This means Alex was big time wrong when he said it was a local spot haha.
Nevertheless and also, Alex and Lauren and many others got to Wafflehouse and ate some food. Alex had to go put the baby to sleep and Lauren said “I cannot believe he thought Wafflehouse was a local Austin spot. He is a very special person.”
I hope one day I will be a special person to someone like Brenda.
Here is a photo of Alex and Lauren at Wafflehouse.
Who is that man posing like a statue in Rome? That was a guy who was a “sound guy” which probably means he was great at hearing things. He was also interested in Lauren as you can see in the photo.
This photo of course feels like the situation I am going through with Nate and Brenda. But idk if I am the statue or Alex?
WAFFLEHOUSE PHOTO HERE
When they finished eating waffles It was 3am. Which is way past my bedtime but when you are an adult you can do whatever you want. I cant wait for that but I know I will miss my parents and ask to live with them anyways.
So everyone went back to the hotels and continued celebrating but Alex and Lauren went on their own to some grass by the parking lot.
Lauren had to go to be with the baby and Alex told me that on that night a little part of him knew already that Lauren was his love of his life. But he was so scared to tell her that and waited for almost ten years to ask her to marry him. Alex said “Lauren is the best thing that ever happened to me” and then Lauren returned and he said it again very loud so she could hear and I could see on Lauren’s face she was not mad at him anymore.
Alex and Lauren talked until the sun came up. This makes sense because this is what I do with Mike and Matt and sometimes Nate when we do sleepovers. We stay up and do elephant farts in our sleeping bags becuase we ate too much cheese. Alex and Lauren weren’t farting though because they were falling in love.
So where were we? They tried hard not to kiss because Alex was seeing another woman “very casually” he said, but when the sun was up they saw each other’s faces and decided to kiss a few times or a bunch. During our interview Lauren said “Al why are you telling him that” and Alex said “because it’s the truth” and then he did an impression of a movie where a guy goes “you want the truth you can’t handle the truth.” Lauren didn’t laugh and I dont know what movie it is but I think it was a good impression.
Alex left Lauren to go back to his house at around 7am. He had stayed up for over 24 hours and probably was not thinking straight. When I stay up all night at a sleepover the next day I’m a sack of potatoes. Alex must have been a sack of potatoes because at 9am he went over to the other woman’s house and told her that he needed to end their relationship.
According to my sister Judy Haswell this is a “big time no no.” Steve Haswell on the other hand says “follow your heart when you really like someone it is okay to tell someone else you don’t like them anymore.”
Alex then at 11am went back to the movie set and told Lauren. He said “Lauren I ended it with the other woman” and Lauren said “what?” Lauren was not sure what this was going to be yet maybe just a one night kissy event but Alex had already changed his life big time.
Lauren said that when Alex told her this “it was quite a shocker. I was not expecting it at all it felt like too big of a romantic gesture.”
The Next two Weeks
For the next two weeks of making the movie Alex and Lauren flirted and they had a few sleepovers. I am sure that their sleepovers were nothing like the ones we have with Matt and Mike and always Nate and sometimes Brandon where we eat gummi bears and talk about what girls we like and then we realize what is my dad calls an elephant in our room and what I call an elephant fart in the room which is this - the girl who likes Nate is the same girl who I like (Brenda) and that stinks because I am pretty sure Brenda likes Nate back.
Bloody Homecoming the movie was ended two weeks after and everyone said “That’s A Wrap” and celebrated. Except for two people of course. Alex and Lauren. Now there was a big problem for Alex and Lauren.
There was a big probem
But there was a big problem: Lauren was going to go back to North Carolina to continue her school.
But here’s what happened next. Lauren decided to extend her stay in Austin for a couple of weeks to keep hanging out with Alex. Their very first real date was romantic. It began with seeing a movie called Tree of Life which is actually a film because no one knows what is happening in it. I tried to watch it and fell asleep.
So Alex and Lauren saw that movie and then they went to eat some food at a restaurant. Then they went to a famous street called South Congress Street where they had fun. Here is a photo they took on that day.
The days and nights went back and forth like a ping pong ball in Nate’s basement where I always beat him in ping pong so it really makes no sense that Brenda would like him because I am better in every skill and area.
Then finally and on the other hand it came the day when Lauren had to fly back to North Carolina. Actually wait the day before that something happened.
She and Alex had a talk and they were both so sad and crying and they both said “I don’t want this to end” and it was good they both agreed. So Alex said “do you want to be my girlfriend” or something like that - he doesn’t remember exactly but she said yes. This is so brave I have asked five girls in our grade to be my girlfriend. They have all not said yes but one said maybe she is named Courtney but that’s okay because I am sure that I like Brenda the most.
Lauren remembers that Alex told her about how his grandma waited for his grandpa for three years when he was in the war. It is crazy that Alex was already comparing Lauren and him to his grandparents but look at this - after all these years they are still dating and actually are now married. Maybe one day I will tell a girl the story of Alex and Lauren but idk
But before now, right after then, Lauren and Alex did three years of long distance relationship. And this was back before the Iphone 12. Now a days I think having a long distance relationship is easy. I told Brenda that because I’m going to jewish sleepaway camp this summer but she said it wasn’t about that and I said then what is it about and she walked away. We were in the cafeteria so it was awkward and I ate chicken fingers for a while.
Alex made a television series all about this long distance relationship called Distance. It was a big hit and won awards. You can watch it at this link: www.distancetheseries.com.
Alex made me promise I would include the link in my essay. My parents said I could watch it all except episode two which is ronchy when they do ‘cybering’.
From then until now
Alex and Lauren finished long distance and both moved to Los Angeles. They have one kid and one dog and they are happy.
You never know who you will meet in this world. Sometimes it is the most unlikely people that end up being the best match for you.
Like here is another example - I just talked on the phone for an hour to Nate and he apologized for liking Brenda and all of a sudan i felt bad becuase I know that Nate and Brenda are actually a great match. So I told him to not worry about it and that he is my best friend and I want him to be happy be happy with Brenda and that I was already over her and liked someone else.
This is a white lie I am of course sad but my friendship is more imporatn than a girl I like.
I’m thinking of making my own movies soon and maybe I will meet a makeup artist too. Subsequently and on the other hand I want to take time to focus on myself. Lauren and Alex said they were both focusing on their careers when they met each other and this is a good lesson. I will go to sleepaway camp and focus on me and being the best at floor hockey and if maybe I find a girlfriend then nevertheless I would be happy no matter what.
Maybe the title of ALex and Lauren love story is just Homecoming because their love story is about coming home. This is a nice feeling to come home and feel all soft and warm like the inside of a blanket with some hot cocoa.
Update About Me
One more thing to share!! I am so excited about this so I am sharing that I just texted with Courtney who was the one maybe and she said she is interested in going on a date with me. She said we can go to the movies and I said I will bring two diet coke cans in my jacket so we don’t have to pay for them at the movie theater. I told her about sleepaway camp and she said it would not be a big deal!!
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