In 5th grade I wrote a 25 page report about rap music. It was epic - I even quoted myself in it. You can hear me read some excerpts from it in this video of a 2011 Mortified show I did in Austin here’s a video of that show if you wanna see baby Alex get up on stage for one of the first times ever.
want THIS KID to write a report for YOU?
I’ve realized now that I have strayed too far from my roots, my passion, my calling - writing reports. It’s time to bring that back, so here is my offer:
Comment below with any topic, idea, person, whatever you would like to see a 1000 word 5th grade report on. Whichever has the most votes (as defined by most ‘hearts’ of course), I will write about. The deadline for votes will be I dunno Thursday, July 7th at 8pm PST.
If this is a bad idea and no one responds I will delete this thread and we’ll pretend it never happened.
I would like a report about peanut butter, how much you love it, what kinds of foods you like with it best, do you have jelly preferences, will also accept peanut SAUCE-related content or even just peanuts. The other day I had peanuts avocado sushi and it was DELICIOUS. Feel free to interview/quote me. I have strong opinions!
Also, in your original composition, what were some of the quotes where you quoted yourself? Very resonant!
2) i'm glad to know that you like peanut butter! i understand it can be controversial!
3) i'm excited to hear about your PB&Journey! are you a creamy guy? a crunchy man? a person who calls crunchy peanut butter "chunky" like it's soup? which is fine, because it's a LITTLE like soup.
Alex if you do the peanut butter one please include a poll with the report so we can all vote on creamy vs crunchy and also the best jelly/jam to go with. I like crunchy on whole-grain toast with marmalade OMG.
An essay on how you met your wife. In the style of a 5th grader.
hi lauren aka my wife. this is a good assignment. let's see if it takes the crown
THIS ESSAY HAS BEEN WRITTEN AND IS NOW AVAIALBLE FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTIONS https://botharetrue.substack.com/p/a-5th-grade-essay-about-how-i-met
This is better than comedy gold - it's layered and has so much potential. GO ALEX GO.
This is the best.
This is the winner!!! 🙌🏾
Shirley Temple so I can compare it to my 5th grade report on Shirley Temple
omg
6th grade
this is actually bold and dangerous but could just work
Sasha, could you write a report on “What If the Dinosaurs Survived to This Day”?
i most definitely could, all you gotta do is get the votes
A wonderful idea!
I would like a report about peanut butter, how much you love it, what kinds of foods you like with it best, do you have jelly preferences, will also accept peanut SAUCE-related content or even just peanuts. The other day I had peanuts avocado sushi and it was DELICIOUS. Feel free to interview/quote me. I have strong opinions!
Also, in your original composition, what were some of the quotes where you quoted yourself? Very resonant!
“Very resonant!” — me a moment ago
hahahhhaha ok first off how do you know I even like peanut butter?? I do, but i didn't for a while. All this and more in my report.
jump to about 5:30 in this vid to see the self-quote: https://vimeo.com/23661199
1) thank you for that self-quote data!
2) i'm glad to know that you like peanut butter! i understand it can be controversial!
3) i'm excited to hear about your PB&Journey! are you a creamy guy? a crunchy man? a person who calls crunchy peanut butter "chunky" like it's soup? which is fine, because it's a LITTLE like soup.
looking forward, thank you!
Alex if you do the peanut butter one please include a poll with the report so we can all vote on creamy vs crunchy and also the best jelly/jam to go with. I like crunchy on whole-grain toast with marmalade OMG.
i like this idea!
Why the cashew is the best nut, and walnuts are the worst, except for Brazil nuts, which are even more bad.
the amount of controversial yet important opinions here? staggering
I support WALNUTS and peanuts, but ur free to differ.
OMG this line of thinking is so F'd up. Were you born in a BARN?
Ooooh I hope I win!!!!!
I’d like to read an essay by 5th grade Alex on the pros and cons of wire hangers in the 21st century.
cowabunga
the sharing economy
How Google Images started. I would guess 5th grade Alex would have enjoyed picking this topic randomly out of a hat.
hahaha