I love Rudy and hacks and NVC and crying and this post so much. sometimes when I am a vacuum of needs, like when my needs are so great that nothing can satisfy them, I do the thing where I sit my grandmother self down with my child self. I know that sounds insane but it helps. my inner child is usually the one with all the aching, endless needs, and grandmother willow is the one who can say shit to her like, “you did such an amazing job. I love you. it was so hard and you persevered and you are incredibly creative and brave and I love you and you remind me so much of my mother and I love you and I am proud of you.” can I say that to her? frankly, between us girls, no. not yet. but grandmother willow can, and all that corny bullshit seems to really help my needy inner child, like a lot a lot. idk could be something could be nothing!
This idea of unmet needs also makes me think of my favorite Lewis quote: 'If I find in myself a desire which nothing in this world can satisfy, the most logical explanation is that I was made for another world.'
So relatable!! Also I’m going to need the link to the “GUY REALIZES EVERYTHING HE NEEDED WAS INSIDE HIM ALL ALONG - KILL THE JACKAL SO THE GIRAFFE CAN BE BORN- Motivational Speech” video asap. I need these answers!
Man, that moment when Rudy finds the key on the little locker room bed. THAT was the moment for me mostly b/c until then I couldn't pay attention since all I could think is BUT WHERE DOES HE SLEEP
Love this. In response to #7 (and perhaps being generous with my reading of 'inspirational') I give you the climax from Twister, the absolute banger of a film from 1996:
"I write because it helps me think. I write because I feel better at the end of it than I do at the beginning, usually, and sometimes I forget about myself altogether." Bang on for why I write.
The process is the prize. I swing a 40lb kettle bell to this https://open.spotify.com/episode/2Grk5oLyb0m4YIAM5HRjka?si=QXiGytcSQceSXOJYx16e4g usually by the car as I wait for my wife before we go to church. All needs are met with God. But to feel lack is ok and human, I guess both are true. That we are both God and Man simultaneously. We just love pretending sometimes we are not infinite because that’s how the ego knows it is alive. But all is safe, well, and good. Lovely read my friend 🙏
It’s tough. As you say, the scoreboard is an input. And that can be healthy, as a motivating force. To lose weight, to jog farther, to spend less time staring at screens. Where it becomes a problem is when you connect so much of your self worth to the data on that board. Hard to find that balance.
In my case, I find it in the things that can't be measured. My wife and my kids. At least until someone develops an app that can collect data on those relationships.
I don’t know how to say this without it being clumsy, but our needs are a function of natural selection. So probably you are striving either (1) for status and reproductive opportunities — as a man, that striving can last a lifetime without being satisfied, though it usually dissipates over time — or (2) for children to parent.
I think you can test this a little by (1) asking high status males if it is ever enough and (2) asking parents if an entire new paradigm around purpose and fulfillment snapped into focus once they started spending time with their children.
I know that’s a touchy POV, and I understand why, but I do think it also happens to be true, in both a scientific and lived experience sense.
I resonated with your description about how the unmet need is always internal. Now, if I can only remember that the next time I get frustrated by something happening outside of myself!
One of the smartest, most thoughtful people I know is very into what she learned from that Nonviolent Communication guy. She is constantly saying whenever you have a “bad” (uncomfortable) feeling, you should connect it to the unmet need. Being really ambitious is self-rejecting. Because what it means, usually, is that what you currently have isn’t enough and that you are not enough. You’ll probably reject this idea immediately—either because it sounds first-base or because you are (understandably and relatably) so ambitious and cannot “love what is"—but maybe your unmet needs are self-forgiveness and self-love.
I love Rudy and hacks and NVC and crying and this post so much. sometimes when I am a vacuum of needs, like when my needs are so great that nothing can satisfy them, I do the thing where I sit my grandmother self down with my child self. I know that sounds insane but it helps. my inner child is usually the one with all the aching, endless needs, and grandmother willow is the one who can say shit to her like, “you did such an amazing job. I love you. it was so hard and you persevered and you are incredibly creative and brave and I love you and you remind me so much of my mother and I love you and I am proud of you.” can I say that to her? frankly, between us girls, no. not yet. but grandmother willow can, and all that corny bullshit seems to really help my needy inner child, like a lot a lot. idk could be something could be nothing!
tell gramma willow to head my way no worries if it takes a while I'm chillin
This idea of unmet needs also makes me think of my favorite Lewis quote: 'If I find in myself a desire which nothing in this world can satisfy, the most logical explanation is that I was made for another world.'
So relatable!! Also I’m going to need the link to the “GUY REALIZES EVERYTHING HE NEEDED WAS INSIDE HIM ALL ALONG - KILL THE JACKAL SO THE GIRAFFE CAN BE BORN- Motivational Speech” video asap. I need these answers!
GUY FIGURED IT ALL OUT IT WAS ALL INSIDE HIM ALL ALONG - Motivational Speech (Manhood Guaranteed)
Man, that moment when Rudy finds the key on the little locker room bed. THAT was the moment for me mostly b/c until then I couldn't pay attention since all I could think is BUT WHERE DOES HE SLEEP
Love this. In response to #7 (and perhaps being generous with my reading of 'inspirational') I give you the climax from Twister, the absolute banger of a film from 1996:
https://youtu.be/LgSXZFO7ieQ?si=wyy2VscBgIgVfz5J
hahahaha
My trusty go to gym playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6bssoAtzPYyIKxJl4s2ZIA?si=glDsNdleQMmnXfCdcYO7Uw&pi=u-zhyy5vM4R7yx also yes, i do find myself tying my self worth to numbers and accomplishments. Trying not to do that :’)
JAMMING to this playlist at the gym thank you
YAY!! OFC :D
"I write because it helps me think. I write because I feel better at the end of it than I do at the beginning, usually, and sometimes I forget about myself altogether." Bang on for why I write.
The process is the prize. I swing a 40lb kettle bell to this https://open.spotify.com/episode/2Grk5oLyb0m4YIAM5HRjka?si=QXiGytcSQceSXOJYx16e4g usually by the car as I wait for my wife before we go to church. All needs are met with God. But to feel lack is ok and human, I guess both are true. That we are both God and Man simultaneously. We just love pretending sometimes we are not infinite because that’s how the ego knows it is alive. But all is safe, well, and good. Lovely read my friend 🙏
Love this essay, and feel it. Damn.
"It’s the gap between what we expect and what is real that makes us miserable."
Exactly, Alex!
Morgan Housel, one of my other favorite writers, talks about that here:
"What generates all the emotion is just how big the gap is between expectations and reality."
https://collabfund.com/blog/expectations-and-reality/
i hate it but its true
It’s tough. As you say, the scoreboard is an input. And that can be healthy, as a motivating force. To lose weight, to jog farther, to spend less time staring at screens. Where it becomes a problem is when you connect so much of your self worth to the data on that board. Hard to find that balance.
Great post! I really enjoyed it!
how do you find it tho??? the balance I mean
In my case, I find it in the things that can't be measured. My wife and my kids. At least until someone develops an app that can collect data on those relationships.
I don’t know how to say this without it being clumsy, but our needs are a function of natural selection. So probably you are striving either (1) for status and reproductive opportunities — as a man, that striving can last a lifetime without being satisfied, though it usually dissipates over time — or (2) for children to parent.
I think you can test this a little by (1) asking high status males if it is ever enough and (2) asking parents if an entire new paradigm around purpose and fulfillment snapped into focus once they started spending time with their children.
I know that’s a touchy POV, and I understand why, but I do think it also happens to be true, in both a scientific and lived experience sense.
Love the Joan Didion quote.
I resonated with your description about how the unmet need is always internal. Now, if I can only remember that the next time I get frustrated by something happening outside of myself!
4) I actually cry everywhere, but thanks for asking! 🥲
One of the smartest, most thoughtful people I know is very into what she learned from that Nonviolent Communication guy. She is constantly saying whenever you have a “bad” (uncomfortable) feeling, you should connect it to the unmet need. Being really ambitious is self-rejecting. Because what it means, usually, is that what you currently have isn’t enough and that you are not enough. You’ll probably reject this idea immediately—either because it sounds first-base or because you are (understandably and relatably) so ambitious and cannot “love what is"—but maybe your unmet needs are self-forgiveness and self-love.
Writing does help me think and process the mush in my brain that when written down sometimes sounds somewhat legible and insightful.
Giving yourself love in the form of acceptance and appreciation though is what's missing. You cant get it from anyone or anything.