I spent three years feeling real smug about being ah so so patient. My kids aren’t used to being shouted at, I’d say, so they’re always really shocked to hear people shout.
I was a fool, because the moment my youngest started walking just over a year ago, it was over, OVER for me. They are fucking everywhere, dude. They never stop, they’re everywhere just destroying absolutely everything.
My fiance comes home from work and I know, I KNOW he has a hard stressful full on job, but god, I just wanna pee alone and I want to not be poked and hit and screamed at and pulled for like half an hour, but hey, someone is crying again because it truly matters which one of the identical two spoons they get. He looks at them with love and awe that I’m so so jealous of because I’m like ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW.
But hey having kids with someone is like a next level exercise in empathy, when we have such different problems and nobody’s job is that much more important, it’s hard.
Ah, whatever never mind, life is hard, but we just moved house and bought this print that shows a dog drinking an espresso and says: “actually, life is beautiful and i have time”
Thank you Alex for unwinding such a “hot” topic. u r brave and true. re expressing anger… for me, there’s the fear that everyone will turn on me and point a figure and blame me, if I do.
The image of you whispering to a fresh baby "you don't have to stay hard" is so fucking funny. Just hit us with the big stuff while we're giggling. Some kind of genius. And yeah, the pressure valve of repressed, male anger--I can almost hear it leaking away, like air from a balloon. It's getting a little drowned out by the sound of Prince, but that's okay. What's next for us with you at the keyboard? World peace, maybe. With earworms.
There has been nothing that makes me act more like a toddler than when I had a toddler in full on meltdown, breakdown, fits and defiance. I could hold my own for so long and then all the sleepless nights and burnt out adrenals put my reaction in fight flight or freeze.
Freeze felt like disassociation, fight looked like me freaking out and screaming back and flight looked like me running as soon as I saw an adult to take over, an open door and my car keys. And never fail I was crying as soon as my car was pulling away from the house.
Now that my son is 15, I look back on those years and think, if only I did for myself what I do now. But I guess learning to be proactive for my nervous system instead of reactive had to come to me years later.
Once a week, I schedule nature therapy for myself. I have my favorite spots. I go alone and I take a lunch and a journal. I give myself 2-3hrs to do whatever I need to do in the woods. Stretch, cry, scream, talk to myself, journal, cold plunge, walk, run, stare.
There is nothing that needs my attention or response when I'm in the woods. This is my happy place and it is so grounding.
Please, please talk to your wife about each one getting in to their happy place alone for 2-3hrs once a week. It does miracles for the nervous system.
Schedule it=proactive
You might find less sad dad and mad mom.
I wish someone had given me this advice 12 years ago.
But also know that if you have never done this practice, it is very hard sometimes. There is guilt that you shouldn't be in your happy place alone. Maybe I should bring the kids here or my wife here.... this is a trick. Hold the boundaries and take your therapy time for yourself. I'm telling you, it's magic. 🌟
My longest-time friend and I have become each other's safety valve. We've known each other for so long, that we know each other's hurts. We know each other's blind spots. Etc. We listen to each other's messy and big feelings when they come, until we can face the world again. That's how we deal.
It took me years to figure out that most of the conflict with my husband came from outside our relationship. Work, money constraints, our parents' health issues. The constant buildup of stress that can't be released outside of the home. The rest came from conflicting parenting styles, because our upbringings were so different.
I'm happy to say we've all survived and are still together.
For me, staying hard was not the answer, but understanding and working to change behavior was. And bringing my children, and to a lesser extent, my spouse, along for the ride.
Good job, Alex. I'm old enough to be your mom, so my comments arrive as the thinking of a grandparent, bravo, keep crying, keep teaching both your children that it's okay to cry, that not only is it okay, it's imperative for a healthy life. Make sure your sweet wife gets a good cry every now and then as well. Hold her tight until she lets loose those tears. You can add a few as well, it's okay.
I hear you. Hubby and I both had sobbing, angry days when our kids were little. It’s called being an authentic human. Of course we explained to our kids that emotions are natural and we would label theirs and ours when they occurred.
I'm a fellow headbanger... I keep my anger in as long as I can stand it and then something inside pops and I end up punching myself in the face. I feel better (mentally, not physically) afterwards. It was funny when Jim Carrie beat the shit out of himself in "Liar Liar" - but it's not that funny in the real world. I've been trying to curb the self-harm - not only does it upset anyone who happens to see me doing it, I'm afraid that I might do permanent damage someday... and I definitely can't afford to lose any more marbles.
Thank you for this... next time I'll try crying instead...
Ps I listened to your interview podcast too! I loved it! You set me on a whole different (and perfect) ltrajectory this am as I get all of my stuff in order before starting to work! Thank you!!
Yay! I know I love the lyrics! That whole album is underrated! I used to dance so hard in my nyc apartment (late 90s) to “girl from the gutter” - though I was by no means from the gutter ;)
"Self-assured as he himself became himself, a particular person in a particular place and time whose daily activities included but were not limited to throwing large trash trucks at his sister, tasmanian devil whirling through piles of folded laundry, hitting us, hard, getting his face incredibly close to Emma June and screaming as loud as he could, and – here’s the kicker – not listening to us at all when we told him to please stop doing any of those things." (maybe none of this would happen if you didn't name your son Wilder) /s
Crying is great when it comes—a release right up there in quality with a long-awaited poop, an orgasm, punching a hole in the time warp, or yes a good cheesy sweat after a hard workout. Let er rip brother.
I spent three years feeling real smug about being ah so so patient. My kids aren’t used to being shouted at, I’d say, so they’re always really shocked to hear people shout.
I was a fool, because the moment my youngest started walking just over a year ago, it was over, OVER for me. They are fucking everywhere, dude. They never stop, they’re everywhere just destroying absolutely everything.
My fiance comes home from work and I know, I KNOW he has a hard stressful full on job, but god, I just wanna pee alone and I want to not be poked and hit and screamed at and pulled for like half an hour, but hey, someone is crying again because it truly matters which one of the identical two spoons they get. He looks at them with love and awe that I’m so so jealous of because I’m like ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW.
But hey having kids with someone is like a next level exercise in empathy, when we have such different problems and nobody’s job is that much more important, it’s hard.
Ah, whatever never mind, life is hard, but we just moved house and bought this print that shows a dog drinking an espresso and says: “actually, life is beautiful and i have time”
Not being a parent, it's usually tough for me to truly understand what it's like, but I felt every cheese-soaked bit of this.
Thank you Alex for unwinding such a “hot” topic. u r brave and true. re expressing anger… for me, there’s the fear that everyone will turn on me and point a figure and blame me, if I do.
The image of you whispering to a fresh baby "you don't have to stay hard" is so fucking funny. Just hit us with the big stuff while we're giggling. Some kind of genius. And yeah, the pressure valve of repressed, male anger--I can almost hear it leaking away, like air from a balloon. It's getting a little drowned out by the sound of Prince, but that's okay. What's next for us with you at the keyboard? World peace, maybe. With earworms.
There has been nothing that makes me act more like a toddler than when I had a toddler in full on meltdown, breakdown, fits and defiance. I could hold my own for so long and then all the sleepless nights and burnt out adrenals put my reaction in fight flight or freeze.
Freeze felt like disassociation, fight looked like me freaking out and screaming back and flight looked like me running as soon as I saw an adult to take over, an open door and my car keys. And never fail I was crying as soon as my car was pulling away from the house.
Now that my son is 15, I look back on those years and think, if only I did for myself what I do now. But I guess learning to be proactive for my nervous system instead of reactive had to come to me years later.
Once a week, I schedule nature therapy for myself. I have my favorite spots. I go alone and I take a lunch and a journal. I give myself 2-3hrs to do whatever I need to do in the woods. Stretch, cry, scream, talk to myself, journal, cold plunge, walk, run, stare.
There is nothing that needs my attention or response when I'm in the woods. This is my happy place and it is so grounding.
Please, please talk to your wife about each one getting in to their happy place alone for 2-3hrs once a week. It does miracles for the nervous system.
Schedule it=proactive
You might find less sad dad and mad mom.
I wish someone had given me this advice 12 years ago.
But also know that if you have never done this practice, it is very hard sometimes. There is guilt that you shouldn't be in your happy place alone. Maybe I should bring the kids here or my wife here.... this is a trick. Hold the boundaries and take your therapy time for yourself. I'm telling you, it's magic. 🌟
My longest-time friend and I have become each other's safety valve. We've known each other for so long, that we know each other's hurts. We know each other's blind spots. Etc. We listen to each other's messy and big feelings when they come, until we can face the world again. That's how we deal.
That's nicely written, man.
It took me years to figure out that most of the conflict with my husband came from outside our relationship. Work, money constraints, our parents' health issues. The constant buildup of stress that can't be released outside of the home. The rest came from conflicting parenting styles, because our upbringings were so different.
I'm happy to say we've all survived and are still together.
For me, staying hard was not the answer, but understanding and working to change behavior was. And bringing my children, and to a lesser extent, my spouse, along for the ride.
not original but what i read once or heard:
anger,pain, extreme emotion if surpressed, avoided, just goes down to the basement and does push-ups
love how you embrace the messiness of being alive
Good job, Alex. I'm old enough to be your mom, so my comments arrive as the thinking of a grandparent, bravo, keep crying, keep teaching both your children that it's okay to cry, that not only is it okay, it's imperative for a healthy life. Make sure your sweet wife gets a good cry every now and then as well. Hold her tight until she lets loose those tears. You can add a few as well, it's okay.
I hear you. Hubby and I both had sobbing, angry days when our kids were little. It’s called being an authentic human. Of course we explained to our kids that emotions are natural and we would label theirs and ours when they occurred.
I'm a fellow headbanger... I keep my anger in as long as I can stand it and then something inside pops and I end up punching myself in the face. I feel better (mentally, not physically) afterwards. It was funny when Jim Carrie beat the shit out of himself in "Liar Liar" - but it's not that funny in the real world. I've been trying to curb the self-harm - not only does it upset anyone who happens to see me doing it, I'm afraid that I might do permanent damage someday... and I definitely can't afford to lose any more marbles.
Thank you for this... next time I'll try crying instead...
One of my favorite movie scenes. Haha. “I’m kicking my ass!”
"Always, with the new phases" pretty much sums up child-raising.
You did what you should do: cry. I hear being on antidepressants makes it hard to cry, which is a bummer. https://bestadvice.show/episodes/everyone-needs-to-cry-with-courtney-daniels
This was a good crying song in my 20s that I recently rediscovered! ❤️ https://music.apple.com/us/album/have-a-cry/1631448860?i=1631448867
Listening to it now. Amusing lyrics!
Ps I listened to your interview podcast too! I loved it! You set me on a whole different (and perfect) ltrajectory this am as I get all of my stuff in order before starting to work! Thank you!!
Glad to hear it!
Yay! I know I love the lyrics! That whole album is underrated! I used to dance so hard in my nyc apartment (late 90s) to “girl from the gutter” - though I was by no means from the gutter ;)
are we not all from the gutter lol
lol indeed!!!!
"Self-assured as he himself became himself, a particular person in a particular place and time whose daily activities included but were not limited to throwing large trash trucks at his sister, tasmanian devil whirling through piles of folded laundry, hitting us, hard, getting his face incredibly close to Emma June and screaming as loud as he could, and – here’s the kicker – not listening to us at all when we told him to please stop doing any of those things." (maybe none of this would happen if you didn't name your son Wilder) /s
You had me at cheese sweats ☺️
Crying is great when it comes—a release right up there in quality with a long-awaited poop, an orgasm, punching a hole in the time warp, or yes a good cheesy sweat after a hard workout. Let er rip brother.