Kids thrive on boundaries being set. It may not feel like it in the moment, and they’ll never verbalize it, but they absolutely need it, and subconsciously love it.
For STS--if both parents are home: my wife and I have a tag-in/tag-out system that has worked WONDERS. If Parent A is trying all the things, using Janet’s advice, and it’s not working, and things aren’t improving and/the parent is starting to lose their cool, they yell “TAG” (or whatever code word you want to use), and Parent B takes over immediately.
Just as important, if Parent B hears that Parent A is getting closer and closer to losing their cool, they can holler “TAG”, take over, and Parent A goes elsewhere to reset/calm down/woosah.
This takes 100% complete trust in a relationship. Meaning, Parent A can’t get offended if they’re getting tagged out. They, without hesitation, accept that Parent B truly has everyone’s best interests at heart, and there are no negative messages being sent by their partner tagging them out (this is the hard one for me).
Yeah, me neither, but I’ve already queued up an episode of Unraveled so I know exactly what to tell my friends or strangers when their kids are being terrible. You’re doing the Lordt’s work, Alex, I’ll tell them all you’re responsible for my parenting tips.
😤 I should have known I was off track when the cat started telling a story about that one crazy weekend he and the boys got high on the nip [street slang] and woke up in a tangle of yarn in the middle of a Michael’s. He didn’t even mention boundaries once.
Anyway, rectified and now I figured I’d start with something light and breezy, an Unruffled episode about parenting fears — real and imagined.
Alex what a frickin’ banger as per usual. I have an 11-month-old baby and I await the CARS lifestyle with terror and the CARS to BREAD transformation with hope. You’re doing it all!!!
Ooo I’m always worried about hurting people’s feelings (one of the main reasons I didn’t do boundaries for the longest time). But I’ve been taught that boundaries aren’t about other people, they’re about me and my needs. If I express them kindly in that way - keeping the focus on myself - then people’s feelings tend to not get too hurt (and if they do, it’s for them to work on!). I used to think boundaries were harsh or selfish but turns out they can be life-preserving and loving!
Dude I so need this right now. I am messing up my 4 year old for life and worried that my 16 month old is next and we have another on the way. How the hell can I keep it together while they are screaming about playing with their nugget or don’t want to eat anything besides chili lime chips and flinging their bodies all over the place..
We thought our daughter was going to become a lawyer because she negotiated every little thing. Way too late, we learned the lesson that kids need structure, boundaries to feel safe, so this is a shout out to the advice you are getting and the job you and your wife are doing. I am glad to see how much better my daughter has done with this aspect of parenting, so at least I don't have to feel guilty about having passed on the bad parenting decisions! And as others have said, your beautiful writing keeps me constantly between laughter and tears, so thanks!
I am scared of my own weakness and people pleasing tendencies and so cruelly haven't really let my daughter watch TV because I didn't think I could cope with the screams when it was time to turn it off.
I've probably just made it into something all the more exciting and she'll be addicted further as a teen or adult. Plus I NEVER GOT TO USE IT AS A BABYSITTER and probably got to frustration sooner because of never getting a break. So I'm not sure it was a net gain. She just turned 4 though and everything people said about it getting a little easier as they approach 4 is so far seeming true.
Excuse me while I go hug some wood for full effect.
(We did start putting on Cosmic Kids Yoga around 3-3.5 and that leads to screaming when it's turned off, but she was finally sleeping through the night by then so I was less exhausted and it's been easier to hold the "no more today".)
I am not a parent so I want to make it clear I have zero judgment about this topic. But I will observe that living in Asia for the past six months how very little I've seen of kids melting down. And when I have seen kids getting upset, the parents seem to follow the script you mention. Heck, sometimes they barely seem to be paying attention to the fit being thrown, other than to softly keep repeating something, I usually can't understand.
Though yesterday, I watched a mother here in Thailand repeatedly say something to a crying toddler I couldn't understand except at the very end, she'd say, "It okay." This went on for several minutes and then the episode passed.
I’m a teacher and this works for my students: 2 choices for whatever needs to be eaten, or clothes for the day, or activity. Works every time. 3rd choice? Hard boundary there otherwise they see cracks in your armor and you get backsliding.
LOVE the idea of an adult thriller movie written as if the villain was a toddler. Should literally be called something like "Terrorist Toddler" or something to make clear to the audience what's going on but otherwise be played straight and stone-faced sober. As it stands I think Clive Owen and Denzel Washington are absolutely perfectly cast for something like that, as Owen does have enough of a pouty baby face to really lean in and Washington always sounds like your tired but patient uncle.
Lord, if I had had this or had a SARAH I would not be my children’s slave right now, and possibly forever. But I did not and it’s too damn late. I was deposed, they have taken control.
clive own is tom hanks is cars is lauren is helicopter is podcasts
Zendaya is meechee
Kids thrive on boundaries being set. It may not feel like it in the moment, and they’ll never verbalize it, but they absolutely need it, and subconsciously love it.
For STS--if both parents are home: my wife and I have a tag-in/tag-out system that has worked WONDERS. If Parent A is trying all the things, using Janet’s advice, and it’s not working, and things aren’t improving and/the parent is starting to lose their cool, they yell “TAG” (or whatever code word you want to use), and Parent B takes over immediately.
Just as important, if Parent B hears that Parent A is getting closer and closer to losing their cool, they can holler “TAG”, take over, and Parent A goes elsewhere to reset/calm down/woosah.
This takes 100% complete trust in a relationship. Meaning, Parent A can’t get offended if they’re getting tagged out. They, without hesitation, accept that Parent B truly has everyone’s best interests at heart, and there are no negative messages being sent by their partner tagging them out (this is the hard one for me).
Hope this helps! You’re doing awesome!
Whoaaaa that’s very dope. Do you actually scream the word TAG
Absolutely. Sometimes it’s screamed, as I’m walking away from a tense situation 😬
We do this, but usually via text. Then I will scream in another room. :-D
4. Not a parent...
5. ...and this post is LITERALLY the best thing on the internet today. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
ahhhh thank you!
Yeah, me neither, but I’ve already queued up an episode of Unraveled so I know exactly what to tell my friends or strangers when their kids are being terrible. You’re doing the Lordt’s work, Alex, I’ll tell them all you’re responsible for my parenting tips.
....it's unruffled.
misnaming things in pop culture is a CLAsSIC parent move tho, so you're doing great.
Zing! 🔥
😤 I should have known I was off track when the cat started telling a story about that one crazy weekend he and the boys got high on the nip [street slang] and woke up in a tangle of yarn in the middle of a Michael’s. He didn’t even mention boundaries once.
Anyway, rectified and now I figured I’d start with something light and breezy, an Unruffled episode about parenting fears — real and imagined.
Thanks again!
Alex what a frickin’ banger as per usual. I have an 11-month-old baby and I await the CARS lifestyle with terror and the CARS to BREAD transformation with hope. You’re doing it all!!!
hahahaha thank you! if you need any emergency assistance finding mcqueen maner or any of the others, lmk
You named him Wilder...you asked for it...what were you expecting?! 😋
this is also true
Boundaries is the secret sauce to any relationship (I've recently found). Works wonders with kids, and also with the fully formed humans too!
how do you do it with adults tho ! I worry about hurting feelings cuz i'm a coward
Ooo I’m always worried about hurting people’s feelings (one of the main reasons I didn’t do boundaries for the longest time). But I’ve been taught that boundaries aren’t about other people, they’re about me and my needs. If I express them kindly in that way - keeping the focus on myself - then people’s feelings tend to not get too hurt (and if they do, it’s for them to work on!). I used to think boundaries were harsh or selfish but turns out they can be life-preserving and loving!
Dude I so need this right now. I am messing up my 4 year old for life and worried that my 16 month old is next and we have another on the way. How the hell can I keep it together while they are screaming about playing with their nugget or don’t want to eat anything besides chili lime chips and flinging their bodies all over the place..
Podcast it is.
Ur doing great
We thought our daughter was going to become a lawyer because she negotiated every little thing. Way too late, we learned the lesson that kids need structure, boundaries to feel safe, so this is a shout out to the advice you are getting and the job you and your wife are doing. I am glad to see how much better my daughter has done with this aspect of parenting, so at least I don't have to feel guilty about having passed on the bad parenting decisions! And as others have said, your beautiful writing keeps me constantly between laughter and tears, so thanks!
❤️❤️ thanks so much !!!
I love Janet.
I am scared of my own weakness and people pleasing tendencies and so cruelly haven't really let my daughter watch TV because I didn't think I could cope with the screams when it was time to turn it off.
I've probably just made it into something all the more exciting and she'll be addicted further as a teen or adult. Plus I NEVER GOT TO USE IT AS A BABYSITTER and probably got to frustration sooner because of never getting a break. So I'm not sure it was a net gain. She just turned 4 though and everything people said about it getting a little easier as they approach 4 is so far seeming true.
Excuse me while I go hug some wood for full effect.
(We did start putting on Cosmic Kids Yoga around 3-3.5 and that leads to screaming when it's turned off, but she was finally sleeping through the night by then so I was less exhausted and it's been easier to hold the "no more today".)
Woof. Bout to go hug a tree brb
I am not a parent so I want to make it clear I have zero judgment about this topic. But I will observe that living in Asia for the past six months how very little I've seen of kids melting down. And when I have seen kids getting upset, the parents seem to follow the script you mention. Heck, sometimes they barely seem to be paying attention to the fit being thrown, other than to softly keep repeating something, I usually can't understand.
Though yesterday, I watched a mother here in Thailand repeatedly say something to a crying toddler I couldn't understand except at the very end, she'd say, "It okay." This went on for several minutes and then the episode passed.
Whoa. What’s different there how do they do it
Is that a question?
Hi!
I’m a teacher and this works for my students: 2 choices for whatever needs to be eaten, or clothes for the day, or activity. Works every time. 3rd choice? Hard boundary there otherwise they see cracks in your armor and you get backsliding.
LOVE the idea of an adult thriller movie written as if the villain was a toddler. Should literally be called something like "Terrorist Toddler" or something to make clear to the audience what's going on but otherwise be played straight and stone-faced sober. As it stands I think Clive Owen and Denzel Washington are absolutely perfectly cast for something like that, as Owen does have enough of a pouty baby face to really lean in and Washington always sounds like your tired but patient uncle.
I’d totally watch that movie 🍿 Sign me up!
love this!!
Thank you !
Lord, if I had had this or had a SARAH I would not be my children’s slave right now, and possibly forever. But I did not and it’s too damn late. I was deposed, they have taken control.
You might be entitled to financial compensation
Clever Cara reminds me of... https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BOWViNmQ4ZTMtNTdjNC00YzU0LTgzZmYtY2Q4MDBlNWZmODUwXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTM3MDMyMDQ@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg
Hahaha wtf
Many Pixar and Disney movies have weird direct-to-video knockoffs.
No kids here, and Croupier
What’s croupier
My favorite Clive Owen film haha