The "Don't Buy More Shit" Gift Guide

A list of zero cost, $0.00 gifts, because "I love you" shouldn't mean "I am so broke again wtf happened"

Here's how we think gifts work:

1. You buy a gift

2. You wrap the gift

3. You give the gift

4. The recipient of the gift unwraps the gift

5. The recipient of the gift says 'wow thank you wow.'

Though not technically false, this is certainly not true. Here's what really happens:

1. You buy a gift

2. You lose money

3. Some company profits

That's it. It's a scam worse than the American Dream itself! Gifts are a racket you can't even play tennis with. No thank you!

Sure this isn't exactly news, I mean heck we all SEE the credit card statements coming in every month (interesting how not once not even once I've made any money from a credit card), but what choice do we have?

The only thing worse than losing money is losing the love of those you love.

And so we're trapped, buying and gifting, wrapping and reaping, shredding and sowing.

Well...what if there was another way?

What if you could give people gifts without spending even a dime?

The ONLY $0 Gift Guide on the internet

Here's a list of thoughtful, can't lose gifts for those you care about most that'll set you back exactly $0.00.

1. If someone tells you they do comedy, do NOT ask them to tell you a joke. This is the greatest gift you can give a comedian. Would you ask a doctor to do a quick surgery for you?

2. Let your partner do that one thing they love doing that you hate but you know brings them pleasure, e.g. let em pop your zits this is an example that has nothing to do with my life stop assuming that.

3. Make someone a mixtape. This is a lot easier than it used to be.

   1. The old process:

      1. Download songs illegally on Napster or Limewire or Kazaa named Goo_Goo_Dolls_Iris.mp3

      2. Burn them onto these CD-Rs

      3. Write a ton of stuff on the CD with sharpie markers of various colors ideally in BUBBLE LETTERS

      4. Give that CD to the other person. There was no better $0 way of showing someone how much you cared for them.

   2. The new process:

      1. Make a playlist on Spotify.

      2. Anguish over the order of songs - does I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor by Artic Monkeys work as an opener and how many Nelly songs is too many Nelly songs?

      3. Make some dumb cover art - hand drawn - and make it the cover of the playlist.

      4. Tell the person “hey I made you a mixtape.”

4. For friends with kids, go over to their house and say ‘hey listen up we’re watching your kid tonight, go get some dinner and see a movie or get a hotel room and make whoopie we don’t care.” Ideally, you’ve spent time with this child before. If not, don’t worry you’ll figure it out.

5. If someone asks how you’re doing, respond with the truth: “I feel like a big pile of melted ice cream in the rain.” By being honest, you give people the space to also be honest about their own darkness. There is no greater gift.

6. Give that special someone the gift of time: by setting all of their clocks back about 29 minutes. This will literally make their life longer, and its likely no one will call them out on it because everyone is late for everything anyways.

7. Take someone out to the wheat fields and laugh and laugh and laugh.

   

8. Eat your parents food and when they ask if you want more say "HELL YA I DO" and eat all that and then ask for even more. Eat until you pass out and then have your mom take you to an urgent care -- when they ask you why you're coming in today, just gurgle "my mama's food...its too good."

9. Give your family hours of fun by creating an escape room at home. Lock em in the basement with some clues and watch as things get weird.

10. Give people your business ideas and let em use them for free. Like for example, share the idea of "Phewnerals," a once-every-10-years funeral each person gets while they're still alive that’s basically a highlights and ‘needs improvement’ session where your friends and family come and talk about the good things you've done and the stuff that you could work on.

    

11. If someone tells you they're an actor, do NOT ask them what they worked on this year. The answer is likely 'nothing,' and that has little to do with the strike. Actors don't really work. They audition and that's about it. This is why they say 'auditioning is the job' because there is nothing else.

12. Tell everyone at dinner you believe something really dumb like go "hey everyone I'm serious when I say I think the world might be flat." Then let your family and friends attempt - gingerly - to convince you that you might be wrong and, by the end of the night, admit that you are wrong and they are right and the world is not flat it's round. Besides giving people the feeling of intellectual superiority, you'll also give them hope for the world. Hope that people can change.

13. Challenge someone to a race and lose by a lot. Bonus points for pulling a muscle (for real or for fake, don’t matter), then start yelling like "owww what the hell this hurts so much I didn't even do anything." Compared to you, flailing about on the ground screaming for your life, your loved one will feel youthful about their life. Hope will abound, and they shall be happy for at least an hour or so!

15. Give them an old book of yours. Bonus points if it has highlights in it. Just say that you bought it at an estate sale for the person's favorite author. That copy, you'll tell them, was owned by their favorite person. Wow indeed. Make sure you haven't put in your name or unrelated notes to yourself in the book like "Phewnerals - great business idea."

16. Make plans with a friend and then cancel at the last minute. Now they don't have to hang out and they can just relax at home there is no better gift.

17. Compliment people on their hair or fashion. "I love your hair" or "I love that shirt." are both perfect easy ones. As long as they have hair or a shirt, this is a can’t lose.

18. Tell your parents you’re becoming a lawyer. Keep up this lie for the next 10 years and never tell them the truth. When they call you, answer the phone with “Objection your honor! One second, my mama is calling.” And then say to your mom, “Mom, I’m busy doing law right now can I call you back.”

19. Host a “Phewneral” for someone you love. Get everyone together and talk about how much you love ‘em and also give notes on what they could do better for the next ten years. If it goes well, ask everyone afterwards if they’d pay for a service like this and report back to me. I GOTTA monetize Phewnerals.

20. Pray for them it seems insane but so does just about everything else and who knows maybe it’ll work but regardless tell them afterwards, “I prayed a lot for you” so they know and can appreciate you for it.

21. Literally do nothing. Most stuff we do is bad, so if you do nothing it’ll be better than doing something. What a gift!

22. Ask them to marry you, ask for a divorce, or do that one weird sex thing they keep asking about (PICK ONE).

VERY SPECIAL GIFT DEAL THING!!!

Say your family and friends suck and need money-based gifts. Skip the crazy expensive shipping fees and buy them a year long subscription to BAT for only $35. That’s right, the price for a year is now $35!!!!

Give them the gift that says “I’m a crazy lil BAThead and I want you to be too.”

Also, for anyone that buys a gift for someone else, I will write a personal 200 word or less note to them from you explaining why you got them the gift. You just tell me what to write and I’ll write it. (I will email anyone who buys this and ask them for deets).

Also you can upgrade to paid for these same prices $35 a year and $5 a month!!!!

Comments

1. What are some good $0 gift ideas to add to this list?

2. That’s it for 2023. Thoughts?