"she looks exactly like you"

she's my daughter, she's my twin

Whenever people see my almost 3 month old daughter Emma June they say, "Omg she looks juuuuust like you." 

Hm. 

I mean, this isn't exactly what an attractive man in his mid-thirties looks like, is it? 

"You and her are literally twins," they'll say as if it's a good thing. It isn't. It's an insult both to me and to Emma June. 

Imagine telling a baby they look like this: 

"No it's your essence" they'll say.

Ah so my essence is a 3rd grade bully from a 90s movie?

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but actually

Why can't I see in her what everyone else does (me)?  Maybe because she's a me I cannot recognize? She's still perfect, without fault. We'd never say, man I wish she didn't get so wah wah when she's upset. That'd be absurd.

You wouldn't watch a sunset and go 'damn I wish that was brighter and a lil more purple.'

I, on the other hand, am with fault. I am all fault. I see in myself only the things I'd change - my very own home renovation project that'll never get done. In fact it never even gets started. I just putz around the house saying pointing out all the broken stuff everywhere.

Emma June is a house of joy and jellybeans. How could people look at me and see what we all see in her?

I’m trying, though. When I look at her, now, I search for myself.

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I’ll see little glimmers of myself in there. "Is that my inner child?" I'll ask myself. Maybe it is. Maybe that's part of raising kids - the little kid in you can re-emerge, without fear. Maybe, but idk. 

Tonight our almost 3yo Wilder and I rode our scooters around the playground. We went around in circles like we were on a merry-go-round. The closer I'd get, the more he'd giggle. The sun was setting but we couldn't see it. Lost in the whirl, I wanted nothing to change.

comments

1. Do you look exactly like your child and or parent?

2. any actual twins here? What’s that like?

5. how are you generally speaking?

6. QUIZ: Which of the following three photos are me and which are Emma June?

   

   

   

support both are true

Emma June keeps asking “Dad are they paying you for all that writing on Substack?”

Wouldn’t that be nice? If I could tell her that yes, a bunch of people became paid subscribers after this post.