It becomes easier to forgive our parents if we become parents ourselves. We realize then that there are no perfect parents. Most of us do the best we can. I deliberately did some things differently with my kids than my parents did with me, but of course I made my own mistakes. The important thing is that kids know they're loved. I never told my parents about the things I really needed from them and didn't get. Since you can't go back and change anything, I saw no point in hurting them that way. I could forgive them in my heart without letting them know there was anything to forgive. It's good to understand how your upbringing shaped you, but then you move on.
When my younger son was two we attended a family wedding. Half an hour before showtime it was my responsibility to see that he was dressed in his finery for the ceremony. Only a tremendous row broke out over his preference to wear a goofy tee shirt instead of the no doubt uncomfortable collared shirt we’d picked out for him! Tears, shouting, more tears! And he attended the wedding and nobody gave it a second thought that the two-year old was in a goofy tee. Of course he was! I still regret my loss of control, and my son (now 35) swears he doesn’t remember any of it. But I do! Pop malpractice!
This feels so deeply true and real. I cannot remember my parents ever apologizing to me when I was a kid. Maybe they did and I don’t remember? Whatever the case, I decided to apologize to my kids, who are teenagers now, and I hope it makes all the difference. I am not a god. I am very imperfect and I think that creating space to mess up is almost everything. Because then we can talk about it and get somewhere new. Forgiveness is easier there.
I was recently at a Buddhist monastery and there was a lot of discussion on how to forgive and why one finds it difficult. One person's conclusion was that by forgiving you're saying that the other person's actions were okay, and sometimes their actions were not okay.
One nun mentioned how we are always the second victim of someone's actions, and they are always the first and their negative actions stem from their own suffering. Probably the most moving thing was a story she told about how she learned to love herself:
If you have a child, and that child comes home and is upset about someone calling them ugly or stupid, you wouldn't berate them. You would take them in your arms and say 'I love you. You don't need to be better. You are good enough.', and she practised holding herself and saying that to herself as if she were her own child.
So I guess the love we hold for our children is the love we should hold for ourselves and for our parents, and that love as the base makes all kinds of forgiveness possible. We don't need to be better. We are good enough.
"I’m sorry, but I don’t wish it were any different" is so so so powerful. Such a beautiful expression of ownership and confidence within a hard reality.
There's an interesting flip side to this: my mom is constantly cringing about the things she feels she did wrong in our childhoods (e.g. she's convinced that my 41-year-old sister bites her nails because she started kindergarten too early). Sometimes it feels like she's trying to get out ahead of some big confrontation where my sister or I ask her to apologize for some gigantic mistake she made that ruined our lives (despite the fact that our lives rule). Only very recently has it become clear that she carries a ton of anger toward her own mother, so it's hard for her to imagine that we *don't* carry that kind of anger toward her.
This is the same woman who often told me I apologize too much until I snapped at her that maybe I apologize the right amount and everyone else should apologize more. Parents! Apologies! Forgiveness! Endlessly complex & fascinating.
It’s so true. At a certain stage as parents ourselves we get that our parents are people just like us. Human beings. And human beings fuck up. It appears to be part of the package called life. My husband and I often speculate about how one day our kids will get it. That imperfection. The impossible human condition. The way every generation fails their children in a world where the definition of good parenting (and awareness of how to human) continues to evolve and how we’ll never ever get it right and most of the pain comes from trying too hard.
This is so interesting especially I have been writing my own piece about apology and forgiveness for the past few days! It'll be ready in a couple of weeks...
My mom and I had a stormy relationship. My mom had been in therapy. I had been in therapy more, so I knew more about saying sorry. So I thought.
About a year before my mom died, she told me she was sorry and she said, "I love you," with a look that I took to mean, "I've said sorry and that I love you, I want you to understand that I've said the hard thing."
At this point, she had dementia (vascular)and I knew that nothing she said might have any meaning. But I chose to accept it. I squeezed her hand and said, "I know. I love you too."
I felt better and she smiled and we leaned against each other at the dinner table.
I'm still sorry, but that's why I write about it. Here and in other places.
As a Parent and now as a Grandparent there are things that go on in life that we or better "I" have done as a "SON" have done which I wish I regret. I know that we all have expectations and feelings and hopes.
My parents did the best they could under the circumstances. They were kind and caring. I tried to do the best with my Son.
Somethings that I did as a Son were not the best. I was bad at times and did not realize the after effects. I was SPANKED at times . I deserved the PUNISHMENT.
I did things differently with my Son and tried to be more reasonable since my wife and I were separated at a time and later were divorced.
It becomes easier to forgive our parents if we become parents ourselves. We realize then that there are no perfect parents. Most of us do the best we can. I deliberately did some things differently with my kids than my parents did with me, but of course I made my own mistakes. The important thing is that kids know they're loved. I never told my parents about the things I really needed from them and didn't get. Since you can't go back and change anything, I saw no point in hurting them that way. I could forgive them in my heart without letting them know there was anything to forgive. It's good to understand how your upbringing shaped you, but then you move on.
When my younger son was two we attended a family wedding. Half an hour before showtime it was my responsibility to see that he was dressed in his finery for the ceremony. Only a tremendous row broke out over his preference to wear a goofy tee shirt instead of the no doubt uncomfortable collared shirt we’d picked out for him! Tears, shouting, more tears! And he attended the wedding and nobody gave it a second thought that the two-year old was in a goofy tee. Of course he was! I still regret my loss of control, and my son (now 35) swears he doesn’t remember any of it. But I do! Pop malpractice!
Oh no, I think sometimes I say sorry like Wilder says sorry.
This was a lovely read, though; very relatable: it is hard to forgive what you can’t admit was wrong, and the YMCA sauna is indeed a sanctified place.
This feels so deeply true and real. I cannot remember my parents ever apologizing to me when I was a kid. Maybe they did and I don’t remember? Whatever the case, I decided to apologize to my kids, who are teenagers now, and I hope it makes all the difference. I am not a god. I am very imperfect and I think that creating space to mess up is almost everything. Because then we can talk about it and get somewhere new. Forgiveness is easier there.
Recently read that “forgiveness means giving up the hope that you could have had a different past.” (-Anne Lamott, I think??)
I was recently at a Buddhist monastery and there was a lot of discussion on how to forgive and why one finds it difficult. One person's conclusion was that by forgiving you're saying that the other person's actions were okay, and sometimes their actions were not okay.
One nun mentioned how we are always the second victim of someone's actions, and they are always the first and their negative actions stem from their own suffering. Probably the most moving thing was a story she told about how she learned to love herself:
If you have a child, and that child comes home and is upset about someone calling them ugly or stupid, you wouldn't berate them. You would take them in your arms and say 'I love you. You don't need to be better. You are good enough.', and she practised holding herself and saying that to herself as if she were her own child.
So I guess the love we hold for our children is the love we should hold for ourselves and for our parents, and that love as the base makes all kinds of forgiveness possible. We don't need to be better. We are good enough.
"I’m sorry, but I don’t wish it were any different" is so so so powerful. Such a beautiful expression of ownership and confidence within a hard reality.
There's an interesting flip side to this: my mom is constantly cringing about the things she feels she did wrong in our childhoods (e.g. she's convinced that my 41-year-old sister bites her nails because she started kindergarten too early). Sometimes it feels like she's trying to get out ahead of some big confrontation where my sister or I ask her to apologize for some gigantic mistake she made that ruined our lives (despite the fact that our lives rule). Only very recently has it become clear that she carries a ton of anger toward her own mother, so it's hard for her to imagine that we *don't* carry that kind of anger toward her.
This is the same woman who often told me I apologize too much until I snapped at her that maybe I apologize the right amount and everyone else should apologize more. Parents! Apologies! Forgiveness! Endlessly complex & fascinating.
It’s so true. At a certain stage as parents ourselves we get that our parents are people just like us. Human beings. And human beings fuck up. It appears to be part of the package called life. My husband and I often speculate about how one day our kids will get it. That imperfection. The impossible human condition. The way every generation fails their children in a world where the definition of good parenting (and awareness of how to human) continues to evolve and how we’ll never ever get it right and most of the pain comes from trying too hard.
Oh and p.s. you might want to subscribe to There’s Nothing Wrong With You (And There Never Was) 😉
This is so interesting especially I have been writing my own piece about apology and forgiveness for the past few days! It'll be ready in a couple of weeks...
My mom and I had a stormy relationship. My mom had been in therapy. I had been in therapy more, so I knew more about saying sorry. So I thought.
About a year before my mom died, she told me she was sorry and she said, "I love you," with a look that I took to mean, "I've said sorry and that I love you, I want you to understand that I've said the hard thing."
At this point, she had dementia (vascular)and I knew that nothing she said might have any meaning. But I chose to accept it. I squeezed her hand and said, "I know. I love you too."
I felt better and she smiled and we leaned against each other at the dinner table.
I'm still sorry, but that's why I write about it. Here and in other places.
Oh wow, this was "brought tears to my eyes" beautiful.
I loved this. Thank you.
As a Parent and now as a Grandparent there are things that go on in life that we or better "I" have done as a "SON" have done which I wish I regret. I know that we all have expectations and feelings and hopes.
My parents did the best they could under the circumstances. They were kind and caring. I tried to do the best with my Son.
Somethings that I did as a Son were not the best. I was bad at times and did not realize the after effects. I was SPANKED at times . I deserved the PUNISHMENT.
I did things differently with my Son and tried to be more reasonable since my wife and I were separated at a time and later were divorced.