2. I’m a huge supporter of leaving LA and raising your kids with block parties, neighborhood kids who play stick ball, jump in leaf piles and the one odd kid who Wilder will bring into the fold even though the other kids say “that kid pretends he’s a dog 24/7.” We made the leap from LA to the east coast in 1999. So glad our kids were raised with 4 seasons and structures built before 1800. All the best to you. 🙏❤️
Re Question #4: A thousand years ago, when my son was 5 (yeah, not quite a "toddler", but still just a cute little kid), I took him with me to a car dealer to buy a car I'd already picked out. On the way, I fed him a line to use at just the right point in my negotiations with the car salesman. When the salesman got to the point where he asked how much I wanted to put down, I turned to my son, raised my eyebrows and said "Whaddaya think?" He gave a thoughtful look, shrugged his shoulders and said "I dunno... $5K? 10?" I immediately said "yeah, sounds good, let's do $10K". The look on the salesman's face was priceless.
Jul 27, 2023·edited Jul 27, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
This was a really wonderful post on all levels. As for my own experience, after eight years spent getting a doctorate so that I could get that dream job of being a college professor at a university, and getting that first tenure-track job teaching exactly what I wanted to teach, and my husband getting a job as a librarian doing exactly the kind of work he wanted, and being able to afford to buy a house...I left that tenure track job midway through my third year. This is something you just didn't do in academia, because there was a very good chance I would never get another job. But the job was in Lubbock TX, where the hostility on the part of majority of men in the department was constant, where some good citizens who came to the door to welcome me, but when I said I didn't intend on joining a church, told me (who was very visibly pregnant) that I would burn in hell, and when-the final straw- my 2 year old daughter in the "good daycare" in town was being rewarded by candy and punished with bible versus...my husband and i said, whoever gets the first job, we are out of here. We ended up back in San Diego where I had gotten that doctorate--and a place we had never thought we would stay in. But he got a job with the university and became one of the national leaders in figuring out how to handle data collections. I worked part time for 5 years--which given raising a small child while I had an undiagnosed potentially life-threatening illness was a blessing. And right before I finally got another full-time job (at a community college which was a much better fit for me), I also wrote the first novel that became the basis of my successful, post retirement career. In short, did my life unfold the way I thought it would? No. Did it end up being a life I have thoroughly enjoyed, probably more than I would have enjoyed if I had refused to let go of the dream? Absolutely! And I look forward to reading about this transition to whatever the next chapter in your family's life holds for you.
Yea yes yes! (Also, very proud of you. Academics frequently cannot see past their noses, but declare all their little boogers the most important things in the world. Haha I didn’t say that! But it’s true.) I always say your life isn’t real if you could have pictured it when you were younger. Give up on steering the ship with such a tight grip and those winds will get you to some wild, beautiful places! Happy for you, very happy tale of “quitting,” ie listening to yourselves and trusting life! 🏆 🫶🏽🏆 Thanks for sharing.
Giving up on my dream of being a TV writer was the best thing that happened to my career. I focused on narrative design and found way more success and satisfaction.
It’s no doubt scary, but I bet y’all will find a lot more happiness and success away from The Land of Nonindigenous Palm Trees, maybe in ways you never expected.
That said, I’d love to “do lunch” LA style before you go!
My two year old calls birds "doo-doo's" and bananas "weenies" and we have no idea where either came from. So basically he taught himself some jokes in spite of having fairly non-comedic parents.
In other words...Wilder might just come out and wow you with his economy-related knowledge someday. I look forward to our discussions about the impact of a bear market on GDP (...?)
That’s okay - when my daughter was learning to talk she called pony’s “Honies!” She would say in word beginning with the letter P correctly until you came to pony. Then she’d say Honie!
Jul 27, 2023·edited Jul 27, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
"How can I teach him about stories that I don’t myself yet understand? Am I even supposed to?
Or perhaps, and god I hope this is true, all I have to do is live them. He’s a sponge of a parrot who will pick up on the good stuff." -- This is how you know that you will be okay and he will be okay wherever you are. Even if it sucks from time to time. Good luck with all that lies ahead.
We moved to the West Coast from the East Coast in 2002. I love everything about my home here in San Diego but I hate being so far from family and the older we get, the more the distance matters.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!! All your life you hear about how priorities change as we get older and the goalposts shift. Having kids is one of those events that really moves the goalposts, just as not having them creates a different set of priorities. Deciding to move seems proactive to having a good life rather than reactive to not making it the way you hoped. It seems like you may be a huge success in a way you couldn't see back then, which is here on Substack. Sometimes what we dream of does come true but looks different than we expected it to look.
i think that's right about how I've heard it my whole life about priorities changing and, thus, I am actively fighting it...like, NOT ME YOU WONT GET ME TOO
Godspeed. You WILL be okay. My husband and I are on the precipice of unknowable change too at the moment, and being comfortable with not-knowing how things are going to be is hard. One. day. at. a. time.
We left a big mean expensive city to live in a nowhere town almost ten years ago because we wanted to sleep at night (it was very loud in that 24-hour city), and we wanted to afford a house. And parking. We were very freaked out at the time. Ten years of good sleep later, we have a kid who grew up walking to school and a driveway and home equity. It’s not as exciting as the anything-can-happen world we left behind (and the restaurants suck) but we can walk to the beach, the family is together, and the quiet nights are filled with stars. Cheers!
2. Lived in Tokyo for 2 1/2 years (for my husband’s job) and was genuinely sad to leave even though it messed up my career for a few years.
4. Taught my niece to sing the bass line to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.” Also the scream towards the end. Hilarity ensued. She recently saw a video of one of these performances and now wants to sue me for … something. Hilarity ensued.
Jul 27, 2023·edited Jul 27, 2023Liked by Alex Dobrenko`
Superb essay. I feel it.
1. Nope
2. I moved to D.C. to pursue a job, but can't say it was my dream. Ended up moving back to Denver to be closer to family after having twins, and, also, Denver is a nice.
3. To make this about me- I connect with some of these these feelings in my song Haze, where I use the lines "No, not in this Economy " and "Haze over New York City and L.A."
4. My goal was to get my tods to say "I'll be back" like Schwarzenegger, it sort of worked and they thought it was funny for a min. but they might not be as interested in 80s movie humor references as I am.
5. Not in this Economy
6. I have rudimentary knowledge but I think the economy is pretty much made up.
7. "To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women." -Conan O'Brien
4. My parents taught me the hot dog joke from The Great Outdoors movie when I was three. It killed at all their parties. Paraphrased: What are hot dogs made of? Lips and a**holes! I didn't know what it meant until I was in my thirties, but boy did people laugh their a**es off.
Most improved cashier??? In this economy?????
against all odds
2. I’m a huge supporter of leaving LA and raising your kids with block parties, neighborhood kids who play stick ball, jump in leaf piles and the one odd kid who Wilder will bring into the fold even though the other kids say “that kid pretends he’s a dog 24/7.” We made the leap from LA to the east coast in 1999. So glad our kids were raised with 4 seasons and structures built before 1800. All the best to you. 🙏❤️
how did u know wilder is 24/7 dog
Re Question #4: A thousand years ago, when my son was 5 (yeah, not quite a "toddler", but still just a cute little kid), I took him with me to a car dealer to buy a car I'd already picked out. On the way, I fed him a line to use at just the right point in my negotiations with the car salesman. When the salesman got to the point where he asked how much I wanted to put down, I turned to my son, raised my eyebrows and said "Whaddaya think?" He gave a thoughtful look, shrugged his shoulders and said "I dunno... $5K? 10?" I immediately said "yeah, sounds good, let's do $10K". The look on the salesman's face was priceless.
That’s hilarious!!
hahahahaha omg
This was a really wonderful post on all levels. As for my own experience, after eight years spent getting a doctorate so that I could get that dream job of being a college professor at a university, and getting that first tenure-track job teaching exactly what I wanted to teach, and my husband getting a job as a librarian doing exactly the kind of work he wanted, and being able to afford to buy a house...I left that tenure track job midway through my third year. This is something you just didn't do in academia, because there was a very good chance I would never get another job. But the job was in Lubbock TX, where the hostility on the part of majority of men in the department was constant, where some good citizens who came to the door to welcome me, but when I said I didn't intend on joining a church, told me (who was very visibly pregnant) that I would burn in hell, and when-the final straw- my 2 year old daughter in the "good daycare" in town was being rewarded by candy and punished with bible versus...my husband and i said, whoever gets the first job, we are out of here. We ended up back in San Diego where I had gotten that doctorate--and a place we had never thought we would stay in. But he got a job with the university and became one of the national leaders in figuring out how to handle data collections. I worked part time for 5 years--which given raising a small child while I had an undiagnosed potentially life-threatening illness was a blessing. And right before I finally got another full-time job (at a community college which was a much better fit for me), I also wrote the first novel that became the basis of my successful, post retirement career. In short, did my life unfold the way I thought it would? No. Did it end up being a life I have thoroughly enjoyed, probably more than I would have enjoyed if I had refused to let go of the dream? Absolutely! And I look forward to reading about this transition to whatever the next chapter in your family's life holds for you.
damn this was beautiful thank you for sharing
Yea yes yes! (Also, very proud of you. Academics frequently cannot see past their noses, but declare all their little boogers the most important things in the world. Haha I didn’t say that! But it’s true.) I always say your life isn’t real if you could have pictured it when you were younger. Give up on steering the ship with such a tight grip and those winds will get you to some wild, beautiful places! Happy for you, very happy tale of “quitting,” ie listening to yourselves and trusting life! 🏆 🫶🏽🏆 Thanks for sharing.
Louisa, your comments are always so generous and warm and wise. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
Giving up on my dream of being a TV writer was the best thing that happened to my career. I focused on narrative design and found way more success and satisfaction.
It’s no doubt scary, but I bet y’all will find a lot more happiness and success away from The Land of Nonindigenous Palm Trees, maybe in ways you never expected.
That said, I’d love to “do lunch” LA style before you go!
LETS DO LUNCH except lets do it in a non-LA style meaning let's actually do it and not just talk about it lol
Yay, let’s not be phonies!!!
My two year old calls birds "doo-doo's" and bananas "weenies" and we have no idea where either came from. So basically he taught himself some jokes in spite of having fairly non-comedic parents.
In other words...Wilder might just come out and wow you with his economy-related knowledge someday. I look forward to our discussions about the impact of a bear market on GDP (...?)
i disagree that you and Will are non-comedic parents no way no how is that true
That’s okay - when my daughter was learning to talk she called pony’s “Honies!” She would say in word beginning with the letter P correctly until you came to pony. Then she’d say Honie!
"How can I teach him about stories that I don’t myself yet understand? Am I even supposed to?
Or perhaps, and god I hope this is true, all I have to do is live them. He’s a sponge of a parrot who will pick up on the good stuff." -- This is how you know that you will be okay and he will be okay wherever you are. Even if it sucks from time to time. Good luck with all that lies ahead.
We moved to the West Coast from the East Coast in 2002. I love everything about my home here in San Diego but I hate being so far from family and the older we get, the more the distance matters.
ugh i know ur right but like aaaaahh
Alex, you are a gifted writer. Move your family closer to your parents and keep writing. You will be rewarded.
thank you Bo that means a lot
1. Yes.
2. Moved to L.A. twice. Left twice.
4. Knock knock jokes.
7. Love.
And to where are you moving?
Atlanta is frontrunner right now
Come to Charlotte, we’ll hang out.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!! All your life you hear about how priorities change as we get older and the goalposts shift. Having kids is one of those events that really moves the goalposts, just as not having them creates a different set of priorities. Deciding to move seems proactive to having a good life rather than reactive to not making it the way you hoped. It seems like you may be a huge success in a way you couldn't see back then, which is here on Substack. Sometimes what we dream of does come true but looks different than we expected it to look.
i think that's right about how I've heard it my whole life about priorities changing and, thus, I am actively fighting it...like, NOT ME YOU WONT GET ME TOO
dear alex,
"what really matters in life?"
kindness
love you!
myq
Godspeed. You WILL be okay. My husband and I are on the precipice of unknowable change too at the moment, and being comfortable with not-knowing how things are going to be is hard. One. day. at. a. time.
And congratulations!
1d@t
Exactly
We left a big mean expensive city to live in a nowhere town almost ten years ago because we wanted to sleep at night (it was very loud in that 24-hour city), and we wanted to afford a house. And parking. We were very freaked out at the time. Ten years of good sleep later, we have a kid who grew up walking to school and a driveway and home equity. It’s not as exciting as the anything-can-happen world we left behind (and the restaurants suck) but we can walk to the beach, the family is together, and the quiet nights are filled with stars. Cheers!
damn honestly "we can walk to the beach, the family is together, and the quiet nights are filled with stars." sounds amazing
maybe we should go near the beach
Yeeeesss! The restaurants might suck but you can pay for your groceries and spend time in your kitchen in a house that you can afford 👯♀️🧘🏽♀️
1. Yeah, crazy.
2. Lived in Tokyo for 2 1/2 years (for my husband’s job) and was genuinely sad to leave even though it messed up my career for a few years.
4. Taught my niece to sing the bass line to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.” Also the scream towards the end. Hilarity ensued. She recently saw a video of one of these performances and now wants to sue me for … something. Hilarity ensued.
7. Leave the world better than how you found it.
"Leave the world better than how you found it." -- beautiful.
Superb essay. I feel it.
1. Nope
2. I moved to D.C. to pursue a job, but can't say it was my dream. Ended up moving back to Denver to be closer to family after having twins, and, also, Denver is a nice.
3. To make this about me- I connect with some of these these feelings in my song Haze, where I use the lines "No, not in this Economy " and "Haze over New York City and L.A."
4. My goal was to get my tods to say "I'll be back" like Schwarzenegger, it sort of worked and they thought it was funny for a min. but they might not be as interested in 80s movie humor references as I am.
5. Not in this Economy
6. I have rudimentary knowledge but I think the economy is pretty much made up.
7. "To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women." -Conan O'Brien
wait u have twins what the
Yep, we didn't really plan to have two, now we have three. It's great and amazing, but also be glad you're not having twins.
4. My parents taught me the hot dog joke from The Great Outdoors movie when I was three. It killed at all their parties. Paraphrased: What are hot dogs made of? Lips and a**holes! I didn't know what it meant until I was in my thirties, but boy did people laugh their a**es off.
wait idk if I get that joke still