I feel like hating stuff for no reason is just another form of trusting your gut. I feel like if you enjoy things for seemingly no reason, why wouldn't you be able to hate things for no reason? Maybe the initial snap judgement you made was founded on some prescient feeling you had because you are a keen observer of the world and human nature. So I say, hate away!- sent from my silver 2007 prius in the drive-thru line for a breakfast sandwich. I think I hate anyone working the microphone that asks me what I want and when I say "one minute please" they respond "what flavor" and then I say "what?" and they say "WHAT FLAVOR, SIR?" and I say "but I haven't even ordered anything yet" and they say "WE HAVE VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, MOCHA, BANANA, and PEANUT BUTTER" and then I'm drinking a milkshake at 9AM.
I agree--I have hated a couple of people for seemingly no reason only to later discover they were secretly kind of an asshole. Now I just assume my gut knows what's up and go merrily on my hating way.
I was raised by a stoic mother, to be a stoic (but also hated her stoicism because it made me feel guilty when I discovered I'd been a typical shit kid and she was really hurting but had hidden that from me.) And this was a very timely post because I am struggling just this week with that stoicism and the fact that it is getting in the way of me asking for help for my own medical issues and my own emotional responses. I spend my life advising friends that emotions aren't bad or good, they just are, that sitting with them, acknowledging them, rather than stuffing is good, as long as they don't get stuck there. And I am good at doing that myself with sadness and sometimes fear. But anger? boy howdy, how I do push that away, fast. Stuff, stuff, stuff. So I had to practice what I preached Monday, and it was a relief, but I know that stuffing that anger is my default, so I can only try to be aware more quickly when it is happening. And I think you will do a great job of at least trying not to perpetuate this with your son! Kudos again for your honest sharing.
Yes, my goodness am I good at stuffing my real anger away. No doubt to a lifetime of being told I'm too emotional. But now the joys of unlearning behaviors.
I learned the word stoic when I was about 10 I think. I LOVED this word because it described me personally. I had a lot of loss when I was a girl and Mom and I never properly processed that grief. The word stoic made me ok. I was young and holding it together better than some other people might because I had a gift, to be stoic.
Of course that caught up with me! And 20+ years of therapy later I'm about to the same place with my anger as you. Cheers to us M.L.L for our progress in this life <3<3<3
What's inhuman is to hate and keep on hating past reason. Just this morning, running an errand and trying to avoid the overly chatty shopkeeper, another woman appeared cooing and chirping at the shopkeeper: "You do just great work, Phil." I instantly thought: "Lady, I hate you." Then I spent a bus ride back wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
Emotions are complicated. I suppose the best people (at least the best ones to know personally) are the ones who get better at keeping their emotions in check and in perspective. And can write about it as you so bravely did.
I LOVE this but I hate apple watches...what does that say about me?
As I was reading, I kept thinking about how we confuse acknowledgement and justification. I think that when we are told we need to acknowledge our feelings for what they are, many of us acknowledge and then judge and then start to justify. The acknowledgment is really all that is needed.
not that everything is my favorite, but if i hate anything, it might be the concept of hate itself.
but i understand that the concept of hate does serve people sometimes, so i can't stay mad at it for too long.
"Does hating stuff make you feel bad and mean?"
it does!
thank you for asking!
i know that i'm NOT "bad." i don't think any of us are inherently bad. i do think that "mean" is more something that we DO, rather than something that we ARE. and so, when i do something that feels mean, i don't love it.
"do you have a version of “it’s okay to be angry/hateful/mad” that doesn’t feel like you’re just pacifying yourself back into “goodness”?"
absolutely!
when i'm feeling something, i do my best to allow myself to feel it. to acknowledge it. to be in it. and then eventually to move through it, because it is always changing.
"hi"
hello!
"you ever seen the bee movie?"
i believe i did.
(i BEE-lieve i did? don't hate me.)
"Do you know all the words to Oh The Places You Will Go like I do?"
no but i do have a chunk of "did i ever tell you how lucky you are" memorized, and in fact IT'S ABOUT THE TOWN BEE! BEES! LIKE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT! DID YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE? ARE WE CONNECTED VIA FATE?
1.) through 4.) I think I'm so affected by toxic positivity culture that I don't even know if I actually hate anything. Like, maybe I haven't really given myself the space to explore whether I actually loathe something, someone or some place? And even if I could land on something, I could probably explain away that it's not really "X/Y/Z" that I hate, but rather something external that caused it to be the way it is. Ya know? Wow. This could be an essay all on its own for me.
5.) Hey!
6.) Do you remember that scene in the movie "Role Models" where Elizabeth Banks is breaking up with Paul Rudd, and his desperate plea to her is some version of, "But how am I gonna find someone else who hates all the same stuff I do?!" Hahaha! Oooooohhhh, Paul. You are a treasure.
9.) Can you please tell Wilder that this feud between him and I has gone on long enough, and that I think he and I need to finally sit down and hash out our sordid history over a couple of GoGo Squeez Applesauce Pouches. Look, he said some things, I said some things. I think the truth is we were both just hangry and missed our naps that day.
Permission Alex, you just gave us all permission to own our stuff. If we feel like we hate something, or it pisses us off, we can allow that and you will be sitting on our shoulder telling us it's ok. We don't need your permission but it helps very much to feel like what we are experiencing is part of the human condition.
I have an intense hatred for Pete Carroll, the coach of the Seattle Seahawks. I hate the constant sour, kvetching look on his face. I don't know him at all, but I hate him and will never root for or bet on the Seahawks.
Petty and irrational and mysterious? Of course. But also fun.
I feel like hating stuff for no reason is just another form of trusting your gut. I feel like if you enjoy things for seemingly no reason, why wouldn't you be able to hate things for no reason? Maybe the initial snap judgement you made was founded on some prescient feeling you had because you are a keen observer of the world and human nature. So I say, hate away!- sent from my silver 2007 prius in the drive-thru line for a breakfast sandwich. I think I hate anyone working the microphone that asks me what I want and when I say "one minute please" they respond "what flavor" and then I say "what?" and they say "WHAT FLAVOR, SIR?" and I say "but I haven't even ordered anything yet" and they say "WE HAVE VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, MOCHA, BANANA, and PEANUT BUTTER" and then I'm drinking a milkshake at 9AM.
Well said Samuel! I hope you didn't hate your milkshake and milkshake for breakfast turned out better than you expected🤣
I agree--I have hated a couple of people for seemingly no reason only to later discover they were secretly kind of an asshole. Now I just assume my gut knows what's up and go merrily on my hating way.
I agree and milkshake is always my weapon of choice.
I was raised by a stoic mother, to be a stoic (but also hated her stoicism because it made me feel guilty when I discovered I'd been a typical shit kid and she was really hurting but had hidden that from me.) And this was a very timely post because I am struggling just this week with that stoicism and the fact that it is getting in the way of me asking for help for my own medical issues and my own emotional responses. I spend my life advising friends that emotions aren't bad or good, they just are, that sitting with them, acknowledging them, rather than stuffing is good, as long as they don't get stuck there. And I am good at doing that myself with sadness and sometimes fear. But anger? boy howdy, how I do push that away, fast. Stuff, stuff, stuff. So I had to practice what I preached Monday, and it was a relief, but I know that stuffing that anger is my default, so I can only try to be aware more quickly when it is happening. And I think you will do a great job of at least trying not to perpetuate this with your son! Kudos again for your honest sharing.
Yes, my goodness am I good at stuffing my real anger away. No doubt to a lifetime of being told I'm too emotional. But now the joys of unlearning behaviors.
I learned the word stoic when I was about 10 I think. I LOVED this word because it described me personally. I had a lot of loss when I was a girl and Mom and I never properly processed that grief. The word stoic made me ok. I was young and holding it together better than some other people might because I had a gift, to be stoic.
Of course that caught up with me! And 20+ years of therapy later I'm about to the same place with my anger as you. Cheers to us M.L.L for our progress in this life <3<3<3
Lyle Lovett once sang in one of his songs “I love you because you hate the same things I do.”
I hate that. Hehehe.
This is a courageous post. 🙌
God you're talented at writing about anxiety. No one does it like you.
It's human.
What's inhuman is to hate and keep on hating past reason. Just this morning, running an errand and trying to avoid the overly chatty shopkeeper, another woman appeared cooing and chirping at the shopkeeper: "You do just great work, Phil." I instantly thought: "Lady, I hate you." Then I spent a bus ride back wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
Emotions are complicated. I suppose the best people (at least the best ones to know personally) are the ones who get better at keeping their emotions in check and in perspective. And can write about it as you so bravely did.
Oh yeah, another thing I hate...
...National Public Radio hosts who mumble.
It’s bad enough to feel bad without being anxious about feeling bad.
I LOVE this but I hate apple watches...what does that say about me?
As I was reading, I kept thinking about how we confuse acknowledgement and justification. I think that when we are told we need to acknowledge our feelings for what they are, many of us acknowledge and then judge and then start to justify. The acknowledgment is really all that is needed.
yes about the apple watches
dear alex,
i love you, with yes good reason.
here are my answers to your questions:
"What do you hate for no good reason?"
i don't know!
i don't think i hate much.
not that everything is my favorite, but if i hate anything, it might be the concept of hate itself.
but i understand that the concept of hate does serve people sometimes, so i can't stay mad at it for too long.
"Does hating stuff make you feel bad and mean?"
it does!
thank you for asking!
i know that i'm NOT "bad." i don't think any of us are inherently bad. i do think that "mean" is more something that we DO, rather than something that we ARE. and so, when i do something that feels mean, i don't love it.
"do you have a version of “it’s okay to be angry/hateful/mad” that doesn’t feel like you’re just pacifying yourself back into “goodness”?"
absolutely!
when i'm feeling something, i do my best to allow myself to feel it. to acknowledge it. to be in it. and then eventually to move through it, because it is always changing.
"hi"
hello!
"you ever seen the bee movie?"
i believe i did.
(i BEE-lieve i did? don't hate me.)
"Do you know all the words to Oh The Places You Will Go like I do?"
no but i do have a chunk of "did i ever tell you how lucky you are" memorized, and in fact IT'S ABOUT THE TOWN BEE! BEES! LIKE YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT! DID YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE? ARE WE CONNECTED VIA FATE?
love you and thank you!
myq
The stoics piss me off too. Thank you for posting this. I like my dark shadowy cave right now.
Everyone (family and doctors) want to give me a short cut out. I know that’s wrong for me. Gonna wallow and hurt for a big longer.
1.) through 4.) I think I'm so affected by toxic positivity culture that I don't even know if I actually hate anything. Like, maybe I haven't really given myself the space to explore whether I actually loathe something, someone or some place? And even if I could land on something, I could probably explain away that it's not really "X/Y/Z" that I hate, but rather something external that caused it to be the way it is. Ya know? Wow. This could be an essay all on its own for me.
5.) Hey!
6.) Do you remember that scene in the movie "Role Models" where Elizabeth Banks is breaking up with Paul Rudd, and his desperate plea to her is some version of, "But how am I gonna find someone else who hates all the same stuff I do?!" Hahaha! Oooooohhhh, Paul. You are a treasure.
9.) Can you please tell Wilder that this feud between him and I has gone on long enough, and that I think he and I need to finally sit down and hash out our sordid history over a couple of GoGo Squeez Applesauce Pouches. Look, he said some things, I said some things. I think the truth is we were both just hangry and missed our naps that day.
Permission Alex, you just gave us all permission to own our stuff. If we feel like we hate something, or it pisses us off, we can allow that and you will be sitting on our shoulder telling us it's ok. We don't need your permission but it helps very much to feel like what we are experiencing is part of the human condition.
I have an intense hatred for Pete Carroll, the coach of the Seattle Seahawks. I hate the constant sour, kvetching look on his face. I don't know him at all, but I hate him and will never root for or bet on the Seahawks.
Petty and irrational and mysterious? Of course. But also fun.
For me, it's easier to hate people from afar.
I hate Prius. Just sayin...
I also hate Prius and a majority of Toyota cars nomatter how much I tried to like them as they rock in the quality management world 🤷🏼♀️
🤷🏻♂️
Some things I hate for no good reason:
- Oatly's copywriting
- A sunny day when I'm trying to work
- Naval Ravikant's Twitter feed
- Rich kids cosplaying poverty
- English slang haphazardly strewn about in everyday German
And another great take on the matter:
https://www.gawker.com/culture/the-joy-of-hating-stuff-for-no-good-reason
I hate it when people call something from 2009 “vintage”....... is that okay?