if have nothing, then how give anything?

advice for when your tank is empty and you want to write a blockbuster movie about your cat

Hello, or should I say ‘yo,’ which I am sure astute readers will know is short for ‘yodelayheehoo,’ which as I’m sure my prebiotically minded readers know is just the unabridged version of the word ‘yogurt.’

This is all true. How else could I have just written it?

There is no relation between the words yo and yogurt. There just isn’t. Stop asking.

It’s…. Help Wanted

Moving on, we’ve got a great show for you today, because Help Wanted is back! Why? Because it appears the only place I’m legally allowed to use my psychology degree without “becoming” a “therapist” is here, in the confines of my own newsletter.

Want advice? It can be serious or dumb or fiscally sensitive, I’ll answer them all. I’ve also saved 3 marriages and kicked off 4 divorces. Shoot me an email or reply to this and all ur answers will be revealed.

Let’s hear it for the kindest people of all

Before we get into it, I am going to steal a page from the books of esteemed colleagues Anne Kadet and Michael Estrin (subscribe to them both) and begin to give shoutouts to the kind and frankly very good-looking people who have decided to become paid subscribers of Both Are True. Unlike Anne or Michael though, I will be creating fake biographies for each and every subscriber. Want a new bio to use for your dating app or job app or cooking app (loaded nachos)? Just become a paid subscriber and I’ll write one up for you.

Rae K, who many think invented Reiki healing, which is wrong. It was created in ancient Tibetan Buddhism. But Rae is so nice and doesn’t want people to be hurt that she corrected them, so she just sorta says ‘yea it was me’ whenever someone says ‘hey did you invent Reiki??’ It’s gotten Rae in a lot of hot water, recently, because she’s so stressed she uses a sauna (the wet kind not the dry kind, hence the hot water). Rae is a welder in Cleveland. 

Mary Lou, who radiates such a presence of heavenly joy AND devilish charm that every single band who ever met her went on to write a song about her: 

Each person asked for her hand in marriage, but she said no, and so the bands had to say ‘goodbye mary lou.’ Mary Lou is an architect in Barcelona, which is in Spain. 

Vadim D., who is not under any circumstances my dad. He’s a Russian spy, ex-KGB ex-CIA ex-XFL football linebacker, sure, but he is not my dad because why would my dad subscribe for Both Are True when he already subscribed back when I first launched it? Perhaps it is because he loves his son very much and wanted to help boost his son’s numbers by throwing in an extra subscription for which I would be grateful if Vadim D was my dad but he is not. Vadim is a butcher now in Barcelona, which is in Spain. He also wrote a song about Mary Lou titled Privet, Mary Lou.

Wanna get ur own personal bio thank you? And support this newsletter which runs on Dunkin and also your love? 

note: If you subscribed back in 2003 when we first started this thing, DO NOT PANIC I will be writing bios for everyone - you will get your bio and it will be grand. 

also note: want a subscription but can’t afford it? Email me and I will ‘take care of it’ (with an illegal mafia run by Vadim D who is, again, not my dad) 

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Q: What do you do when you have nothing left to give?

— Anonymous

A: