i failed vs. i'm a failure

the life-changing magic of the failure bow

Standing there in 2013, circled up with eight other weirdos in the upstairs green room of the Hideout Theater in Austin TX, eagerly ready for my very first Improv 101 class, I figured we’d start by learning “yes, and.” A classic.

Nope.

Instead, our ginger bearded instructor Andy taught us ‘the failure bow.’

It was simple, he explained. When you goofed up in a scene or exercise - flubbed a line, called someone by the wrong name, whatever - just stop what you’re doing, throw your hands up in the air, scream “I failed!” with joy, and take a bow.

We took turns doing it. “I failed,” I said, half-heartedly, worried that I’d failed by taking this class for losers that would not get me any closer to being a hollywood comedic icon.

But everyone clapped and it felt nice. Cheesy, but nice.

For the next twelve years, I did improv and not a once thought about the failure bow until…a few days ago, when it popped back into my head.

hello failure bow, my old friend

So I decided to try it. How hard could it be, to write down some failures?

Very hard actually.

For some reason, no failures came. Impossible. Being a failure was my whole brand. Where had all the failures gone? My ego, that little gremlin in red, was hiding them from me, wasn’t he?

Several minutes later, one popped into my mind, so I typed it out.

The other morning, I got lost in some writing and forgot to grab our crying baby from her crib, which made Lauren have to get up and go "hey are you gonna go get her?" I failed!

God yea that was hard. This was classic ‘bad dad’ behavior. This exercise sucked. Was I failing at the failure bow? I kept trying.

I often want to call my friends but then I end up not doing it. I failed!

But wait, that one was a general statement, more 'I fail' than “I failed,” but that's not the exercise, so let's exorcize that one from the list.

I made an exercise/exorcise joke in this essay that woulda been better off without it. I failed!

Now I’m doing the whole ‘goofing to avoid real feeling’ thing. I failed!

It wasn’t getting easier. The exclamation of it, the ‘yay yippee’-ness, it felt uncomfortable, fake, and somehow the reason that democrats lost in 2024.

I thought that just by announcing the BATCAVE and promoting it for a week, everyone would sign up and it'd change my entire life because I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore and...that didn't happen. I failed!

I went to the gym and end up not really working out but just doing the elliptical and a few pull ups. I failed!

I got mad at my dad for calling me four times in 3 hours and 17 minutes when really he was just worried and wanted to make sure I was okay. I failed!

I put more value in the numbers and how 'well' posts did than the actual human relationships I'm forming with readers who really love my work. I failed!!

I brood and mope around the house and expect Lauren to know what's in my brain instead of just telling her that I need help or need someone to talk to. I failed!

Ugh I kept doing general statements instead of specific instances of past failings. Luckily, it was time to go home and relieve the babysitter.

Walking into the house, I felt stupid and mostly the same. The failure bow had failed.

the next morning (today)

I woke up and promised myself I wouldn’t do dumb internet stuff until I finished this essay. Seconds later, I did dumb internet stuff for 20 minutes until realizing what I was doing, I threw up my hands and screamed “I failed!”

I’d been high on failure bows and not even known it!

And ya know what? It felt pretty good. I even smiled. How can you not? It’s absurd, this celebration of failure, but not much more absurd than what I’d have done normally, stewing to myself, with no irony or awareness but only solemn condemnation, “I am such a failure.”

There it is again, that generalized “I am failure,” which is a way to define myself, versus “I failed,” which is about something specific that happened in the past.

The latter, “I failed” may bring guilt or embarrassment or laughter, but the former, “I am a failure,” that brings the grand daddy of all emotion, shame.

Shame that says “see this bad thing I do, that is an abomination - it is me but I wish it wasn’t. I hate it and I hate me too.” It robs you of the moment and sends you into an infinite abyss of self-loathing.

Heavy!

The failure bow does the opposite. It celebrates the mistake, here in the present moment, as something I did and something I accept and even celebrate about myself.

Because without doing that, I implode into my own shame-fulfilling prophecy — I’ve done something wrong AND I’m not allowed to have done it, so I am unlovable and bad and not okay for having done so. Thus, I banish my own self from myself and am left sitting in this hollow shell, feeling like I’m not enough because I’ve kicked myself out of myself.

Yowza!

The failure bow though, fixes that by, as Matt Smith, the improviser who first coined the term says, rewarding, “…the willingness to be transparent, the capacity to remain available in the present moment, and the ability to get back on the horse without residing in shame.”

The failure bow externalizes the mistake and thus separates me from it.

I failed, yes, but I am not a failure. Pretty cool!

failure loves company lets hear em

Alrighty fam let’s all share some recent failings:

• comment with some of your recent fails,

• take an internet-version of a failure bow

• everyone else will cheer for you.

I think this could be very fun so please let's all do it. And if you try to do it but mess up, then that's your failure right there!

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TOMORROW’S BATWRITE IS OPEN FOR ALL

We're cowriting tomorrow at 12p EST and you’re invited!

A handful of people have asked me to try the 🦇 BATCAVE 🦇 and give it a whirl before deciding if they want to be paying subscribers and so…

Tomorrow’s BATWRITE is free to the public!!

• 12-2p EST

• cowriting for weirdos

If you’d like to attend just gimme ur email and I’ll send you the zoom link!!

Ready to become a paying subscriber?

Also very sick.

You can join here.

We’ve got 8 (eight (EIGHT)) cowriting sessions scheduled for June. That's $1/session. It really should be worth more and I will prob raise the price soon I really must my accountants are HOUNDING me.

But for real, if you want to be a part of something sweet, come through. It'd be awesome to have you join us.

what ppl are saying

It's like coworking with a little reminder to relax at the beginning because good writing doesn't just flow out like a river of perfect words.

CoWriting is magic, because 1) writing is lonely, 2) accountability eyeballs watching me seems to help 3) pressure seems to help e.g. timed writing sprints

But BATWRITE was next level for me because: 1) Alex D genius (duh) 2) Best Prompts and Most Inspiring Acronyms ever, e.g. BPMIA, and 3) cool peeps with cool ideas to hang with makes me wanna write more Gooder.