"he now had the appearance of a stoned, nearly retired man who decided to let loose a few years early by going on a cruise only to spend the whole thing terrified after remembering he can’t swim."
I am ignoring all your questions to tell you my best poo story. It’s not my story, but my friend’s, but she won’t mind if I tell it.
My friend once began to poo. It was one of those really dense ones. She was just started when she noticed a noise, a whistling. She pushed, to move the poo along, the whistling got higher. She softened the pushing, the whistling got lower. She said the whole poo she was making music. Ahhh, the whistling poo story! Many hours of amusement: Tell me the whistling poo story again, I say to my friend, like she’s my grandma, and I’m asking her to recall a much loved tale...
Okay, check it - my husband was away a few weeks ago and my adult niece came to visit. We went out to dinner and when we returned, I SMELLED IT. The exact mildew funk you describe here. I asked her and she said she didn’t smell it (was she just being polite? can she not smell it because she’s destroyed her sense of smell with 20 years of cancer sticks? I’ll never know).
Some days pass, she leaves, and said husband returns. He walks in and his first words were not “love of my life, how did I survive 5 days without you?!” but “eww, what stinks in here?” And he’s 62 with a terrible sense of smell (thankfully not from cancer sticks), so it must truly smell foul like that.
Within seconds, neither of us could smell it anymore and we went back to our ignorance is bliss lifestyle.
I should mention we have no kids or dogs, but three cats. Though I know from cat funk; my mother once had 13 and it’s a very distinct smell. No, this is like wet furniture funk. Yuckaroo.
here are the objectively correct answers to all of your questions:
"Do you think that we’re all full of shit?"
no, because if we were FULL of it, then we wouldn't even know what it was. if life was all and only shit, we wouldn't even have a concept for it. the fact that we know what shit is, is PROOF that part of our experience is NOT SHIT. (or i might be full of shit.)
"Is being a liar also your biggest fear?"
no. eternal suffering for all sentient beings is mine. but good news i don't think that suffering is eternal so good news!
"Have you ever stepped in dog shit?"
one time i was driving to the airport and i smelled something that smelled like shit (spoiler alert: it ends up being shit) so i tried opening my car windows and that didn't help and when i got to where i was going to park, i realized that on the way to my car, i had wheeled my suitcase through dogshit (i presume, i didn't do a scientific study to determine what kind of creature's shit it was) and then i had to both deal with that AND catch a plane kind of at the same time and thankfully it worked. so the answer to your question is no, i have never stepped in dogshit but my suitcase has.
"Does your house smell but you don’t know it?"
alex this seems like a zen koan
"Have you picked up another dog’s poop and how much therapy did you need after?"
I am convinced that my old house smelled TERRIBLE. What else can you expect when you pair carpet with an incontinent dog? All my "friends" said it smelled fine. Except my sister. Thank you, sister, for outing all my friends as liars and convincing me I was living in a urine sponge.
You reminded me of a moment in Season 2 of Flavor of Love when one of the contestants trying to woo Flavor Flav poops on the floor among the other contestants during the Clock Ceremony.
there was a lot of numbers in this one. very mathy ...
the main equation i’m trying to figure out is if you really found a show for Wilder that let you take a 20-minute poop (after the operatic performances from the Brothers Dobrenko)... if so, then i’ll need to download some Oogy Oogy right away.
3. Is the poo poo police flag an american flag with a thin brown line?
4. It does smell weird but I DO know it, and don't know how to fix it.
5. Yes, it was traumatizing. When I had dogs they were little shih-tzus. One time I walked my friend's English Mastiff and had to pick up its enormous steaming poo and I've never been the same. Have you ever walked and gagged at the same time with no relief in sight?
2. my neighbors recently started letting their aged labs waddle from yard to yard to poop instead of keeping it to their own back yard, and as a result I have stepped in their poop too many times in recent months. Too many times = more than zero, because this is a city neighborhood and they should be picking up after their dogs but don't always. The worst is when wearing the stupid comfortable OnCloud running shoes which have SO MANY HOLES in the soles and it's almost impossible to get poop out of all the crevices.
4. I have 2 small kids and food that always seems to be spoiling either in the fridge or on the tray the baby eats from so for SURE my house smells. I get a whiff when walking into the house after being away for a couple hours but it almost immediately is gone, and then I forget about it, until the next time i walk outside and come back in. Kids are gross, candles help.
Hilarious! First, I love that your dog's name is Robert. Is he more a Lowe, Pattinson, Dylan, or De Niro? Oh the years I spent trying to fight the "chewies," as I called them. I had a Westie with the flea allergy. A few flea bites and in 20 minutes he would have chewed all the hair off of his ass, which would be flaming red and I'd have to dig out (probably expired) cortisol spray and create a diaper out of a dishtowel to make him stop until I could get him to the vet the next day. And the shit gets everywhere. It's an adventure!
Winner winner chicken dinner. This is by far my favourite. No witty comebacks from me. But, you have my appreciation for supplying this potty humour today. I do have a very big dog, so I can relate to the 'heft' of a 100+ pound dog poop in your hand, with only the thinnest of bags between you and it. I also have three small grandsons, so we're full of shit over here at my house.
I just saw TMNT for the first time (the new one) and now I finally know who Master Splinter is!!
"he now had the appearance of a stoned, nearly retired man who decided to let loose a few years early by going on a cruise only to spend the whole thing terrified after remembering he can’t swim."
You, sir, are a painter with words.
I am ignoring all your questions to tell you my best poo story. It’s not my story, but my friend’s, but she won’t mind if I tell it.
My friend once began to poo. It was one of those really dense ones. She was just started when she noticed a noise, a whistling. She pushed, to move the poo along, the whistling got higher. She softened the pushing, the whistling got lower. She said the whole poo she was making music. Ahhh, the whistling poo story! Many hours of amusement: Tell me the whistling poo story again, I say to my friend, like she’s my grandma, and I’m asking her to recall a much loved tale...
Okay, check it - my husband was away a few weeks ago and my adult niece came to visit. We went out to dinner and when we returned, I SMELLED IT. The exact mildew funk you describe here. I asked her and she said she didn’t smell it (was she just being polite? can she not smell it because she’s destroyed her sense of smell with 20 years of cancer sticks? I’ll never know).
Some days pass, she leaves, and said husband returns. He walks in and his first words were not “love of my life, how did I survive 5 days without you?!” but “eww, what stinks in here?” And he’s 62 with a terrible sense of smell (thankfully not from cancer sticks), so it must truly smell foul like that.
Within seconds, neither of us could smell it anymore and we went back to our ignorance is bliss lifestyle.
I should mention we have no kids or dogs, but three cats. Though I know from cat funk; my mother once had 13 and it’s a very distinct smell. No, this is like wet furniture funk. Yuckaroo.
dear alex,
thank you for sharing as always!
here are the objectively correct answers to all of your questions:
"Do you think that we’re all full of shit?"
no, because if we were FULL of it, then we wouldn't even know what it was. if life was all and only shit, we wouldn't even have a concept for it. the fact that we know what shit is, is PROOF that part of our experience is NOT SHIT. (or i might be full of shit.)
"Is being a liar also your biggest fear?"
no. eternal suffering for all sentient beings is mine. but good news i don't think that suffering is eternal so good news!
"Have you ever stepped in dog shit?"
one time i was driving to the airport and i smelled something that smelled like shit (spoiler alert: it ends up being shit) so i tried opening my car windows and that didn't help and when i got to where i was going to park, i realized that on the way to my car, i had wheeled my suitcase through dogshit (i presume, i didn't do a scientific study to determine what kind of creature's shit it was) and then i had to both deal with that AND catch a plane kind of at the same time and thankfully it worked. so the answer to your question is no, i have never stepped in dogshit but my suitcase has.
"Does your house smell but you don’t know it?"
alex this seems like a zen koan
"Have you picked up another dog’s poop and how much therapy did you need after?"
i did once, with my suitcase.
thank you for asking!
love you!
myq
I am convinced that my old house smelled TERRIBLE. What else can you expect when you pair carpet with an incontinent dog? All my "friends" said it smelled fine. Except my sister. Thank you, sister, for outing all my friends as liars and convincing me I was living in a urine sponge.
You reminded me of a moment in Season 2 of Flavor of Love when one of the contestants trying to woo Flavor Flav poops on the floor among the other contestants during the Clock Ceremony.
I have an urge to see the dog in his stoner outfit
there was a lot of numbers in this one. very mathy ...
the main equation i’m trying to figure out is if you really found a show for Wilder that let you take a 20-minute poop (after the operatic performances from the Brothers Dobrenko)... if so, then i’ll need to download some Oogy Oogy right away.
This made me laugh, like tears and all.
A lot of people on our block do not pick up after their dogs *shakes fist at the sky*
Glad to hear Robert dog is better!
I just need to say that Robert is an excellent dog name.
We had guinea pigs named Tom, Jerry, and Markus.
(The piggles successfully appeased my six-year-old boy. No dog, no cat, no yellow canaries.)
1. I've never really thought about it, but will!
2. Yes, ugh
3. Is the poo poo police flag an american flag with a thin brown line?
4. It does smell weird but I DO know it, and don't know how to fix it.
5. Yes, it was traumatizing. When I had dogs they were little shih-tzus. One time I walked my friend's English Mastiff and had to pick up its enormous steaming poo and I've never been the same. Have you ever walked and gagged at the same time with no relief in sight?
2. my neighbors recently started letting their aged labs waddle from yard to yard to poop instead of keeping it to their own back yard, and as a result I have stepped in their poop too many times in recent months. Too many times = more than zero, because this is a city neighborhood and they should be picking up after their dogs but don't always. The worst is when wearing the stupid comfortable OnCloud running shoes which have SO MANY HOLES in the soles and it's almost impossible to get poop out of all the crevices.
4. I have 2 small kids and food that always seems to be spoiling either in the fridge or on the tray the baby eats from so for SURE my house smells. I get a whiff when walking into the house after being away for a couple hours but it almost immediately is gone, and then I forget about it, until the next time i walk outside and come back in. Kids are gross, candles help.
Hilarious! First, I love that your dog's name is Robert. Is he more a Lowe, Pattinson, Dylan, or De Niro? Oh the years I spent trying to fight the "chewies," as I called them. I had a Westie with the flea allergy. A few flea bites and in 20 minutes he would have chewed all the hair off of his ass, which would be flaming red and I'd have to dig out (probably expired) cortisol spray and create a diaper out of a dishtowel to make him stop until I could get him to the vet the next day. And the shit gets everywhere. It's an adventure!
Winner winner chicken dinner. This is by far my favourite. No witty comebacks from me. But, you have my appreciation for supplying this potty humour today. I do have a very big dog, so I can relate to the 'heft' of a 100+ pound dog poop in your hand, with only the thinnest of bags between you and it. I also have three small grandsons, so we're full of shit over here at my house.
What I love most is that your dog's name is Robert. Dogs with basic human names are the best 😂 I once met a giant Great Dane named.....Rhonda.
I also love that you can write a 15-minute read based on dog poop. That is true artistry.