forget thanksgiving its time for fearsharing

a new holiday

Migrants — Bong Chae Son (2009/2010)

everyone is gonna be all ‘i’m grateful for you’ and ‘i am thankful for this casserole’ today and while all that is well AND good, it has dawned upon me, like a sun in the west, that we need some counterprogramming.

Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the new holiday:

FEARSHARING

It is a simple holiday with humble beginnings. It all started like two paragraphs above when I began this post. Then I did a dumb intro and then I introduced the holiday and now we’re here.

What is Fearsharing??

omg so glad you asked thank you.

Fearsharing is a holiday where we all sit around and instead of saying all the shit we’re thankful for, we share all of the stuff we’re afraid of. Fun, right?

I’ll start.

A sharing of my fears on this fearsharing holiday

I am afraid of…

1. dying.

2. being a bad dad.

3. nachos because I can’t stop eating em I’ll just keep eating em till they’re gone and if there are more I’ll eat more until my stomach hurts so bad I get taken to a hospital.

4. never amounting to much.

5. world war 3.

6. world war 4.

7. AI.

8. people talking about AI all the time.

9. me not making money on an AI business when I coulda cuz its a gold rush right now at least that’s what people say.

10. climate change.

11. the fact that no one seems to realize that the phrase ‘climate change’ requires a rebranding asap

12. being normal like just some normal fart in the grass nothin special.

13. people.

14. being alone.

15. being cancelled (would require me first being started which has not begun so all good here for now).

16. my best friends all meeting up to discuss how the only reason they hang out with me is because they worry I’d fall apart without their friendship.

17. never achieving all the stuff I haven’t even thought about wanting to achieve yet.

18. living my whole life in a fantasy land of the world’s 1% and crying about dumb shit like #1-#16 while most of the world struggles for basic needs like water and shelter.

19. of the cool kids on Substack making fun of me.

20. that I’m tricking people into thinking i’m

    1. funny

    2. talented

    3. worthwhile

    4. a good guy friend husband dad

21. that this post isn’t gonna land not really and the world woulda been better off if I just hadn’t posted it at all.

22. that #21 sounds like a reverse psychology way of getting people to reassure me that ‘no, Alex, you’re actually awesome’

23. wasting my life typing on a computer while Wilder watches Leo the new Adam Sandler movie on Netflix while Lauren also types on a computer even though honestly this is very fun and I am enjoying hte movie and enjoying writing this still, somehow, this has to be wrong because nothing I do can ge right and good and the realization of that itself is also bad and sad and i need coffee

24. drinking too much coffee

25. not knowing like being unsure like not having 100% confidence about something important or not important doesn’t matter

26. not being as successful as Adam Sandler

27. not working enough

28. working too much

29. being stuck in one of those “two people trying to avoid walking into one another by going the same direction, then in the other direction, then back in the first direction” loops for the rest of my life

30. god.

31. avoiding the hard stuff by goofing too much.

32. never reading the big books.

33. being overweight.

34. not being able to find whatever I’m looking for (this is what most of my dreams are about).

35. spending too much time on the internet.

36. never having my own opinion and thus parroting whatever other people say.

37. no god.

38. moving away from friends.

39. not moving closer to our parents.

40. loud noises.

41. silence.

42. this post sucking.

43. not believing in my own posts including this one and asking Lauren to look it over and make sure its not terrible before I post it.

44. that lauren is lying to me when she says something is good when its really not.

45. never doing standup even though that’s what I’m really ‘meant’ to do.

46. being selfish.

47. driving next to any giant truck like how the hell is that thing not about to bonk me out of existence?

48. not ending this with enough of a banger since the only thing that really matters with comedy is how it ends.

49. both not being true.

50. ending this with a super cheesy but honestly very true thing which is that I am actually really fucking grateful for you all my readers. You’ve given me the privelage of popping into your inbox every so often and being a dumb goofy idiot and - when I really think about it - that’s an honor I do not take for granted. Good comedy is always a conversation WITH the audience and that applies for my writing on Substack too — I write the way I do on here because I know that there’s an audience of people who I’ve met in the comments and emails and everywhere else who are going to read it. Without y’all, I’m an idiot screaming into the void. With y’all, I’m an idiot screaming into the void with an audience of people reading his stuff ok I think you get it I can’t just keep rambling here I feel like the point was made a while ago.

51. being long winded.

---

My friends and I have a thing where if we’re doing too many bits (goofs, jokes) we say “bruce” to indicate that everything that comes after is not a joke so…

bruce.

Thanks y’all. A lot of writers come to Subtack with a big ol’ audience but not this guy. If I ever become a successful lil guy writer, it will be largely because of y’all. I mean that.

/bruce.

Comments

1. What is on your fearsharing list?

3. love u