Love this. So funny, so whimsical…and so very endearing. Your dad is hilarious! And I think my parents now have that TV. How it made it to an island on the west coast of Canada, we will never know. Our fav family joke is about Toonces The Driving Cat from long ago SNL. Somehow we weave it into any story about driving or cats or being a teenager or going over a cliff. My sister in law begrudgingly times us to see how long it takes before we bring it up at Sunday dinner. 🤣
Have you done crimes? With or without your parents?
great question! i used to work at a barnes and noble in my early 20s, and after i stopped working there, my information was still in their system so i could sometimes tell other barnes and noble locations that i should get a discount, and one time i was doing that with my mom, and they said they'd have to call the barnes and noble that i worked at (which i didn't work at anymore) and i told them the phone number from memory and that the store manager's name was steve, and they seemed to believe me but kept on the line as a formality and then they asked for steve and were told that he was busy, and so they gave me the discount and then out in front of the store my mom asked a stranger if they would take our photo and i was like MOM WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THE GETAWAY PART OF THE HEIST, WHAT IF STEVE CALLS BACK AND THEY'RE LIKE "THAT GUY HASN'T WORKED HERE IN MONTHS!" and we made it and i never asked for that discount again.
Do you and your family have really stupid but hilarious running jokes?
yes except they're not stupid. in fact, very often when my mom hears a joke of mine that resonates with her, she'll use it frequently and sincerely. for example, i once said that because we're never REALLY done Growing, i don't consider myself (or anyone really) a "grown"-up, but a GROWING-up. and my mom calls grown-ups that now legit. and i love it!
What’s your fav heist movie?
all of them! but maybe especially "inside man." so good!
Who do you think you’d be on the heist team - what would your special skill be.
the guy who gets the discounted books from the barnes and noble worker behind the counter. my skill is a straight face and calm under pressure. RIGHT UNTIL I GET OUTSIDE.
Remember those old TVs? Picture-in-picture! Wow.
i abso-(i do!)-lutely do! <-- answer-in-answer!
Have you been seeing how I leave a couple of numbers blank as a really funny and advanced bit?
This was a highly entertaining and humourous read. Thanks you. Here are some answers to some of your questions.
1. All in my 20's. I casually walked out of Sears with a gallon of varnish I "needed" for a project when I was at art college. I stole lots of meat and cheese from grocery stores during post art school poverty period. In Montreal my neighbour and I stole some baseboard heaters from a construction site and hooked them up with booster cables to the electrical box in my slum. I stole a record once.
2. So many it's like we're talking in a coded language
4. I would be a guy who climbs dangerous high things to gain access, I would run across rooftops and scramble down fire escapes. I would strive for a Leonard Nimoy in The Alpha Caper vibe.
“We move in stealth like the k in knife” - OMG! This whole read was so funny! But the “k in knife” bit slaughtered me! Thanks for brightening my morning! 🤣❤️
loved this! for a good part of my childhood my family of five had a running joke where we'd try to work the phrase "dead possum" into conversations and any time someone said it, the rest of us would respond in unison with "DEAD POSSUM?!? EEEEEWWWWWWW!" and i have no idea how or why that started
Newbie here, but wanted to let you know I’m thoroughly enjoying your writings. Some of your stories sound familiar, things similar to my life. But, I think you are a bit younger than me (70 in a couple of months) and find it a bit weird, but nice. Keep on writing, please.
This made me smile while avoiding doing work at work!
In a heist, I would be the one who approaches the security guard, really confident and demanding, and says we need to get through here right now. And when he questions me, I'd say, "Really? You want to hold us up right now? When Mr. Important Casino Owner finds out that you stopped us at the door, causing a delay in the delivery of his new Siamese cat, you're going to be fired!" And he lets us through because I was so convincing, even though the cat carrier only has a stuffed animal and a little speaker that meows inside. Neither my mom or dad would be able to be there with me because they're both allergic to cats.
"I grab Wilder’s face close and say “If I don’t come back, tell your mother I love her,” which of course his mother hears because she’s holding him. No one laughs even though this is a funny joke."
Love this. So funny, so whimsical…and so very endearing. Your dad is hilarious! And I think my parents now have that TV. How it made it to an island on the west coast of Canada, we will never know. Our fav family joke is about Toonces The Driving Cat from long ago SNL. Somehow we weave it into any story about driving or cats or being a teenager or going over a cliff. My sister in law begrudgingly times us to see how long it takes before we bring it up at Sunday dinner. 🤣
dear alex,
i love you and this and all!
Have you done crimes? With or without your parents?
great question! i used to work at a barnes and noble in my early 20s, and after i stopped working there, my information was still in their system so i could sometimes tell other barnes and noble locations that i should get a discount, and one time i was doing that with my mom, and they said they'd have to call the barnes and noble that i worked at (which i didn't work at anymore) and i told them the phone number from memory and that the store manager's name was steve, and they seemed to believe me but kept on the line as a formality and then they asked for steve and were told that he was busy, and so they gave me the discount and then out in front of the store my mom asked a stranger if they would take our photo and i was like MOM WE STILL HAVEN'T DONE THE GETAWAY PART OF THE HEIST, WHAT IF STEVE CALLS BACK AND THEY'RE LIKE "THAT GUY HASN'T WORKED HERE IN MONTHS!" and we made it and i never asked for that discount again.
Do you and your family have really stupid but hilarious running jokes?
yes except they're not stupid. in fact, very often when my mom hears a joke of mine that resonates with her, she'll use it frequently and sincerely. for example, i once said that because we're never REALLY done Growing, i don't consider myself (or anyone really) a "grown"-up, but a GROWING-up. and my mom calls grown-ups that now legit. and i love it!
What’s your fav heist movie?
all of them! but maybe especially "inside man." so good!
Who do you think you’d be on the heist team - what would your special skill be.
the guy who gets the discounted books from the barnes and noble worker behind the counter. my skill is a straight face and calm under pressure. RIGHT UNTIL I GET OUTSIDE.
Remember those old TVs? Picture-in-picture! Wow.
i abso-(i do!)-lutely do! <-- answer-in-answer!
Have you been seeing how I leave a couple of numbers blank as a really funny and advanced bit?
always! does your family do it now also?
love and thanks for reading, alex and all!
myq
This was a highly entertaining and humourous read. Thanks you. Here are some answers to some of your questions.
1. All in my 20's. I casually walked out of Sears with a gallon of varnish I "needed" for a project when I was at art college. I stole lots of meat and cheese from grocery stores during post art school poverty period. In Montreal my neighbour and I stole some baseboard heaters from a construction site and hooked them up with booster cables to the electrical box in my slum. I stole a record once.
2. So many it's like we're talking in a coded language
4. I would be a guy who climbs dangerous high things to gain access, I would run across rooftops and scramble down fire escapes. I would strive for a Leonard Nimoy in The Alpha Caper vibe.
This is fun! I think you need a supportive editor. Signed A. N. Editor
Ah, one of my favorites. Thank you <3
“We move in stealth like the k in knife” - OMG! This whole read was so funny! But the “k in knife” bit slaughtered me! Thanks for brightening my morning! 🤣❤️
loved this! for a good part of my childhood my family of five had a running joke where we'd try to work the phrase "dead possum" into conversations and any time someone said it, the rest of us would respond in unison with "DEAD POSSUM?!? EEEEEWWWWWWW!" and i have no idea how or why that started
Newbie here, but wanted to let you know I’m thoroughly enjoying your writings. Some of your stories sound familiar, things similar to my life. But, I think you are a bit younger than me (70 in a couple of months) and find it a bit weird, but nice. Keep on writing, please.
This made me smile while avoiding doing work at work!
In a heist, I would be the one who approaches the security guard, really confident and demanding, and says we need to get through here right now. And when he questions me, I'd say, "Really? You want to hold us up right now? When Mr. Important Casino Owner finds out that you stopped us at the door, causing a delay in the delivery of his new Siamese cat, you're going to be fired!" And he lets us through because I was so convincing, even though the cat carrier only has a stuffed animal and a little speaker that meows inside. Neither my mom or dad would be able to be there with me because they're both allergic to cats.
"I grab Wilder’s face close and say “If I don’t come back, tell your mother I love her,” which of course his mother hears because she’s holding him. No one laughs even though this is a funny joke."
I laughed, my friend. I laughed.
This was a great post, one of your best.
The family stories are what made me subscribe in the first place. So great.
“Costco Away From Costco” 😹 and yes, I see you, blank comments questions 7 & 8 👌
Love this story. Me and my dad sat in the handicapped seats at Warren Buffett's annual shareholder meeting. He wasn't handicapped.....https://marji.substack.com/p/at-warren-buffetts-annual-shareholder
I’ll never confess! 🙅🏽♀️
I love this! My dad was always finding stuff that "fell off of a truck" so I thought he might have mob connections.
Aww. Sweet memories. Laughing with loved ones is the best feeling. Also, My Cousin Vinny is one of my fave films too. Youthzzzz. LOL