People sometimes say I’m soft spoken, but one time I put my bike unlocked outside a restaurant and looked up and it was gone. Bellowed and ran outside and bellowed. Everyone stared at me and said whoa. Turns out a waiter had just moved it several feet to the side. Anyhow for a moment there, it was not my Berkeley.
Most entertaining piece I've read in a while; thank you for making my morning brighter! In SF in the 90's, my manual 1984 Corolla, Sam, lost its ability to stay in fifth gear. Fourth gear topped out at 62mph, which was painful on I-80. I was too lazy or cheap to get it fixed, so I got a pitchfork and once I got up to speed, I jammed it between the stick shift and a large cookpot in the back seat. Worked great. Unsettled my passengers, though. "What's the matter, the brakes work fine!"
I had a short lived klepto phase in high school. I stole a 99 cent lipstick (black, of course) from a drug store and got caught by the security guard. He took me and my two friends to his office and called his cop buddy, who turned up to read us our Miranda rights. I didn’t realize till many years later that that would have been illegal because we were minors and the whole thing was just a setup to scare us straight.
I loved this essay. I laughed out loud while simultaneously walking my dog and looking at my phone.
Asheville’s a great town - I’m basing this opinion on a one week stay at a rental bungalow this past February (weather was great). I too had a bike stolen - not in Asheville - when it was left untended outside a library for about 45 seconds - those bicycle thieves are fast! Never did get it back and still miss it.
hahaha I thoroughly enjoyed this (despite your misfortunes!) I am the proud owner of a 2010 prius so I can relate!! "People I thought I loved..." haha. RIP Onxy! Love Carl, a 2010 stallion of a prius currently dead in Dallas Texas in my brothers driveway...
Zach you listen to me and you listen good. Go now to Dallas and you rescue Carl. You drive to Los Angeles and find Onyx and bring them both back to safety. You can do this
1. No, I would never. Not because stealing is wrong, but because biking is hard and painful, and I hate sweating.
2. A medium amount. I try to put like things with like things so it's easier to find them. But then the keys grow legs and wander off, and I'm actually looking for something, like I'M the one who "lost" it.
3. I thought so as well.
4. Yep. When I was a teen. I was just really good at it. I stole tester eyeshadows or bent posters, sometimes candy. It was dumb, but I was in a lot of emotional pain. It sucks that I surrounded myself with the wrong people for so long.
5. Probably.
6. Hello. Fun fact: I lived in Raleigh for 12 years and Greenville for 2 before moving to Portland, where I am now. Asheville was the only place in NC I could see myself living as an adult, but I just needed to get away from the state, I think. LA was on my radar for a while, but I think I just like the food and the way people handle traffic jams.
“I felt bad, but what could I do? The city was changing and so was I.” <— 😆
Glad your bike’s back. Get a fourth lock, for god’s sake. What did you expect on the mean streets of Asheville? Might as well have put out a “Take my bike” sign.
Omg you live close to me now? I may have to move lol! Welcome to Western North Carolina lol! (I’m in the tiny town of Franklin. We roll up the sidewalks at 9 pm)
I love it! It’s quiet and where I am I can walk to the grocery store, Main St, etc. I’m old so doesn’t matter that there’s not a lot to do although there’s a lot more now than when I moved here. And there’s a ton of hiking, waterfalls, etc. Asheville is too big for me!!
We don't see a lot of major crimes in Asheville, but unfortunately petty theft--and I don't understand how this term covers both a bike and the change in your car's cup holder--runs rampant here, especially in neighborhoods closer to downtown. Hang in there, kitten!
People sometimes say I’m soft spoken, but one time I put my bike unlocked outside a restaurant and looked up and it was gone. Bellowed and ran outside and bellowed. Everyone stared at me and said whoa. Turns out a waiter had just moved it several feet to the side. Anyhow for a moment there, it was not my Berkeley.
hahah
lol!
okay this is wild I am so glad it is back (maybe it is your asheville) but I must ask WHYYYY are you eating cottage cheez??
Most entertaining piece I've read in a while; thank you for making my morning brighter! In SF in the 90's, my manual 1984 Corolla, Sam, lost its ability to stay in fifth gear. Fourth gear topped out at 62mph, which was painful on I-80. I was too lazy or cheap to get it fixed, so I got a pitchfork and once I got up to speed, I jammed it between the stick shift and a large cookpot in the back seat. Worked great. Unsettled my passengers, though. "What's the matter, the brakes work fine!"
Hahahaahaj omg a pitchfork??? That’s the best comment I’ve read yet
Hi
Hiiii how are you
Not bad, you? 🤪
Actually I'm GOOD
Hope you're good too 😘
I had a short lived klepto phase in high school. I stole a 99 cent lipstick (black, of course) from a drug store and got caught by the security guard. He took me and my two friends to his office and called his cop buddy, who turned up to read us our Miranda rights. I didn’t realize till many years later that that would have been illegal because we were minors and the whole thing was just a setup to scare us straight.
I loved this essay. I laughed out loud while simultaneously walking my dog and looking at my phone.
Hell ya.
I bet it was a tourist.
Was it you
Asheville’s a great town - I’m basing this opinion on a one week stay at a rental bungalow this past February (weather was great). I too had a bike stolen - not in Asheville - when it was left untended outside a library for about 45 seconds - those bicycle thieves are fast! Never did get it back and still miss it.
Fun piece to read. Thanks.
yeah we're excited its a fun lil weird city so far
hahaha I thoroughly enjoyed this (despite your misfortunes!) I am the proud owner of a 2010 prius so I can relate!! "People I thought I loved..." haha. RIP Onxy! Love Carl, a 2010 stallion of a prius currently dead in Dallas Texas in my brothers driveway...
Zach you listen to me and you listen good. Go now to Dallas and you rescue Carl. You drive to Los Angeles and find Onyx and bring them both back to safety. You can do this
hahaha images of "herby the love bug" immediately came to my mind for some reason. I have for sure googled "prius racing stripes" before.
1. No, I would never. Not because stealing is wrong, but because biking is hard and painful, and I hate sweating.
2. A medium amount. I try to put like things with like things so it's easier to find them. But then the keys grow legs and wander off, and I'm actually looking for something, like I'M the one who "lost" it.
3. I thought so as well.
4. Yep. When I was a teen. I was just really good at it. I stole tester eyeshadows or bent posters, sometimes candy. It was dumb, but I was in a lot of emotional pain. It sucks that I surrounded myself with the wrong people for so long.
5. Probably.
6. Hello. Fun fact: I lived in Raleigh for 12 years and Greenville for 2 before moving to Portland, where I am now. Asheville was the only place in NC I could see myself living as an adult, but I just needed to get away from the state, I think. LA was on my radar for a while, but I think I just like the food and the way people handle traffic jams.
Hahah I feel like most ppl stole as teens. And yea Asheville has big Portland vibes
Welcome to the Carolinas. Unfortunately, no town is free of. problems. Hold on to the good things. and People.
I did not steal your bike. I don’t even live in Asheville. You are right, though—the place has changed.
Why’d you steal my bike
lol
I just borrowed it. Left it at Tim’s house by mistake
“I felt bad, but what could I do? The city was changing and so was I.” <— 😆
Glad your bike’s back. Get a fourth lock, for god’s sake. What did you expect on the mean streets of Asheville? Might as well have put out a “Take my bike” sign.
(Loved this. Thanks for writing it.)
thanks for reading it!! and yea more locks is the answer absolutely
Omg you live close to me now? I may have to move lol! Welcome to Western North Carolina lol! (I’m in the tiny town of Franklin. We roll up the sidewalks at 9 pm)
nice! do you like franklin??
I love it! It’s quiet and where I am I can walk to the grocery store, Main St, etc. I’m old so doesn’t matter that there’s not a lot to do although there’s a lot more now than when I moved here. And there’s a ton of hiking, waterfalls, etc. Asheville is too big for me!!
❤️🚲🐼
🔒
Yes, I lose stuff often.
We don't see a lot of major crimes in Asheville, but unfortunately petty theft--and I don't understand how this term covers both a bike and the change in your car's cup holder--runs rampant here, especially in neighborhoods closer to downtown. Hang in there, kitten!
hahah thank you! our neighbor also had 5k in jewlery stolen that night from her unlocked car but honestly the bike seemed way more important