I have zero children but I love reading about your escapades in parenting dw
Also, you have this way of seeing things most people don't see or won't notice, and then describing those things in SUCH detail it's like each post is a lil Ghibli snapshot - I think that's your edge
You nailed it. It all came flooding back to me, more than thirty years later. One enduring memory from those days is reading to my daughter before her bedtime when we had friends over who I wanted to get back to. Read the book. Turn out the light. Cuddle/spoon until she falls asleep. But the trick was that if I didn't 100% relax and let go of my urgency to get back to the living room, she'd never fall asleep. So I had to empty my mind of my deep need to socialize, and completely relax. But then *I'd* fall asleep.
Looking back, I wish I'd been less frustrated by all of it. But that's hard to do when you're in it because it's all-encompassing and feels like it'll be that way FOREVER. But it won't. I've now lived a couple of decade's worth of looking back on all of it. I wish I'd been more present, at the time.
It doesn't matter. It's all normal and human. Everything I did and didn't do then, everything I'm doing and not doing now. BOTH ARE TRUE.
And why shouldn't people who don't have kids read about the perspective of someone who has kids? Same as... why shouldn't men read a woman's perspective? That's what you get from reading. DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES.
Wonderful, wonderful essay. Brought back so many memories and gratitude that those days (and all the other difficult times of parenthood) are in the rear-view mirror. We didn't do date night...one of many regrets, but that sitting just being with the other, in good times and bad, has always been important for us. Now, in our retirement years, where for over 16 years we are together 24-7, (parallel playing by sitting in different rooms at our laptops) it is in the evening, sitting in side by side rockers, watching shows on TV, reaching out and touching hands, laughing and crying together at what is going on, that is when we nightly re-establish our togetherness.
Alex, this one’s kind of brilliant. And I’m reading it from a very great further distance… of parenting and grandparenting. You nail it. My fave: EJ’s “racoon” eyes and listening to the recitation of desserts; enough for satiation.
I completely relate to this post. Thank you for sharing it. I have a print from Brad Montague hanging up in my house that says “everything isn’t terrible” and it’s embarrassing how I often I walk by that thing and just stare at it, trying to remember it, and believe that it’s true (while I am in that moment surrounded by all the things/people/circumstances that are decidedly non-terrible.) 🫠 I often wonder what life must be like for the glass-half-full people, people who came out of the box that way and don’t even have to try. I married one of those. MUST BE NICE hehe but seriously teach me your ways
Date nights with that guy are few and far between these days…we have a 9 yr old and an 11 yr old so it’s way easier to get away than it was during the toddler years, but also our schedule is more jampacked now then it was then, and we never seem to have extra $$, so it’s a real head scratcher. About once every month I reach a point of saying DO WE EVEN LOVE EACH OTHER ANYMORE?!? and then we go hold hands and walk around TJ Maxx for two hours and somehow my hope in us is restored. 🙃
Curious about the time span of date night. Our 4yo doesn't want to be put to bed by the babysitter, and will stay up defiantly until we come home, anyway, so we typically get a babysitter from 4-8pm, get ourselves to a 5:00 reservation (earlier if they'll take us—we're often the first ones in the restaurant), and are typically home by closer to 7:30.
Your layer upon layer of reveals in this is exquisite Alex. The ultimate one, for me, isn’t your connection with Lauren (lush as that is, height + hand stuff ‘n all) it’s your connection to yourself. Bam. There you have it.
Was it because of the belly rubs, the snuzzles, the hand holding? Who knows?
I I write to you as a mother of ten, braiding time and tenderness into a daylong date with myself. It’s the only way I know to stay whole.
Childless here. I can read all essays on being a parent as long as they are honest, only I wonder where older parents with adult kids are? That's the kind of parent-experience I'm scared of. There's this saying in the Balkans, 'small children small problems, big children big problems', and sometimes I wonder, if I have children, will I really relax when they grow up? Or... will they be a 30-year old like (my chronically depressed cousin / develop schizophrenia / break their spine / have an abusive husband / anorexic ) ? These possibilities terrorise me and I wish I could read more on complex adult offspring.
Oh, Alex, this brought a tear to my eye. You have so many subs and yet I still feel not enough people know about you and your beautiful way with words, the way you describe parenting always gets me.
I've recently had a very similar (if not exactly the same) revelation as you, in that I am the best version of my parenting self when I'm connected to my partner. If we're getting on well, and supporting one another, and even just making time to hold hands, I can relax into the rest of it. If I feel disconnected from him it trickles down to everything else, and suddenly the lack of time to write and the endless wake ups feel impossible.
EJ will sleep eventually and so will Wilder (I have an older child, so am an oracle) and in the meantime, you have your words, and your wife, and access to Diet Coke, and the realisation that that is enough. You'll be OK, promise.
Date nights have only recently become a thing for us, even though our daughter is almost seven. With her disability, we’re finally to the point where we feel comfortable leaving the house while she’s asleep. So those babysitters, who are also sometimes in-home nurses, have the easiest gig ever. But it’s still worth it because what you wrote about connection is spot on. Funnily enough, my wife just published a post about connection today: https://www.putyourfoodtowork.com/p/connection
I have zero children but I love reading about your escapades in parenting dw
Also, you have this way of seeing things most people don't see or won't notice, and then describing those things in SUCH detail it's like each post is a lil Ghibli snapshot - I think that's your edge
You nailed it. It all came flooding back to me, more than thirty years later. One enduring memory from those days is reading to my daughter before her bedtime when we had friends over who I wanted to get back to. Read the book. Turn out the light. Cuddle/spoon until she falls asleep. But the trick was that if I didn't 100% relax and let go of my urgency to get back to the living room, she'd never fall asleep. So I had to empty my mind of my deep need to socialize, and completely relax. But then *I'd* fall asleep.
Looking back, I wish I'd been less frustrated by all of it. But that's hard to do when you're in it because it's all-encompassing and feels like it'll be that way FOREVER. But it won't. I've now lived a couple of decade's worth of looking back on all of it. I wish I'd been more present, at the time.
It doesn't matter. It's all normal and human. Everything I did and didn't do then, everything I'm doing and not doing now. BOTH ARE TRUE.
And why shouldn't people who don't have kids read about the perspective of someone who has kids? Same as... why shouldn't men read a woman's perspective? That's what you get from reading. DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES.
How beautiful, how true! And for date night in Asheville, try Jerusalem Garden. I love that place.
I’m a grandpa. Date night is when the grandkids leave and we order takeout 🥡 . Boring but not tedious.
I 2nd Jerusalem Garden! Love that place!
Wonderful, wonderful essay. Brought back so many memories and gratitude that those days (and all the other difficult times of parenthood) are in the rear-view mirror. We didn't do date night...one of many regrets, but that sitting just being with the other, in good times and bad, has always been important for us. Now, in our retirement years, where for over 16 years we are together 24-7, (parallel playing by sitting in different rooms at our laptops) it is in the evening, sitting in side by side rockers, watching shows on TV, reaching out and touching hands, laughing and crying together at what is going on, that is when we nightly re-establish our togetherness.
Alex, this one’s kind of brilliant. And I’m reading it from a very great further distance… of parenting and grandparenting. You nail it. My fave: EJ’s “racoon” eyes and listening to the recitation of desserts; enough for satiation.
I completely relate to this post. Thank you for sharing it. I have a print from Brad Montague hanging up in my house that says “everything isn’t terrible” and it’s embarrassing how I often I walk by that thing and just stare at it, trying to remember it, and believe that it’s true (while I am in that moment surrounded by all the things/people/circumstances that are decidedly non-terrible.) 🫠 I often wonder what life must be like for the glass-half-full people, people who came out of the box that way and don’t even have to try. I married one of those. MUST BE NICE hehe but seriously teach me your ways
Date nights with that guy are few and far between these days…we have a 9 yr old and an 11 yr old so it’s way easier to get away than it was during the toddler years, but also our schedule is more jampacked now then it was then, and we never seem to have extra $$, so it’s a real head scratcher. About once every month I reach a point of saying DO WE EVEN LOVE EACH OTHER ANYMORE?!? and then we go hold hands and walk around TJ Maxx for two hours and somehow my hope in us is restored. 🙃
Well I just loved this.
Curious about the time span of date night. Our 4yo doesn't want to be put to bed by the babysitter, and will stay up defiantly until we come home, anyway, so we typically get a babysitter from 4-8pm, get ourselves to a 5:00 reservation (earlier if they'll take us—we're often the first ones in the restaurant), and are typically home by closer to 7:30.
Isn't it grand to be an exhausted parent trying to figure it all out?
Keep doing what you're doing. Y'all are fine!
And that backing up trick - perfection!
The baby booty backup is my ABSOLUTE favorite.
I have a 15 month old and he also is not so sure that sleeping by himself in his crib is what the cool kids are doing anymore. Solidarity.
Your layer upon layer of reveals in this is exquisite Alex. The ultimate one, for me, isn’t your connection with Lauren (lush as that is, height + hand stuff ‘n all) it’s your connection to yourself. Bam. There you have it.
Was it because of the belly rubs, the snuzzles, the hand holding? Who knows?
I I write to you as a mother of ten, braiding time and tenderness into a daylong date with myself. It’s the only way I know to stay whole.
Love this. That's it, I'm subscribing :-)
Childless here. I can read all essays on being a parent as long as they are honest, only I wonder where older parents with adult kids are? That's the kind of parent-experience I'm scared of. There's this saying in the Balkans, 'small children small problems, big children big problems', and sometimes I wonder, if I have children, will I really relax when they grow up? Or... will they be a 30-year old like (my chronically depressed cousin / develop schizophrenia / break their spine / have an abusive husband / anorexic ) ? These possibilities terrorise me and I wish I could read more on complex adult offspring.
Oh, Alex, this brought a tear to my eye. You have so many subs and yet I still feel not enough people know about you and your beautiful way with words, the way you describe parenting always gets me.
I've recently had a very similar (if not exactly the same) revelation as you, in that I am the best version of my parenting self when I'm connected to my partner. If we're getting on well, and supporting one another, and even just making time to hold hands, I can relax into the rest of it. If I feel disconnected from him it trickles down to everything else, and suddenly the lack of time to write and the endless wake ups feel impossible.
EJ will sleep eventually and so will Wilder (I have an older child, so am an oracle) and in the meantime, you have your words, and your wife, and access to Diet Coke, and the realisation that that is enough. You'll be OK, promise.
I really loved the reframe. "Daddy is tired. Daddy is tired because Daddy is happy." Thank you.
Date nights have only recently become a thing for us, even though our daughter is almost seven. With her disability, we’re finally to the point where we feel comfortable leaving the house while she’s asleep. So those babysitters, who are also sometimes in-home nurses, have the easiest gig ever. But it’s still worth it because what you wrote about connection is spot on. Funnily enough, my wife just published a post about connection today: https://www.putyourfoodtowork.com/p/connection
My kids are 2 and 4 months so please keep writing about parenting