I used to think I was holding parenting at arm's length because I was a feminist. Like: "I was made for MORE THAN THIS, stop trying to make me this one thing!" And bloop, I missed a few years, distracted by my somebodiness. I hate to admit that, but I have to admit it. I was racing around, trying to be important to the world when I *was* a whole world to the best kind of person--a soul yet un-shellacked. Kids are the greatest example of what's good about humanity. I'm so glad I got wise before mine grew up. I still work, I'm still busy, don't get me wrong. But when I'm with them, I let them all the way in. "The best part is, it's not even over yet." I'll remember that line.
You're showing me--we don't hold these years at arm's length because we're any kind of "ist" we hold them at arm's length because we know we're training for our own obsolescence and that if we let our kids fully change us, they'll smash our hearts to smithereens. As they should. Anyway, at a certain point, if you're lucky, you realize you're too soft to fuck around. You just go there--all the way, all the time. It hurts even as it's happening. Sometimes I feel like sinking in deep I am actually breaking my own heart--and I am. I'm breaking it open. Wider and wider.
Somebody recently said "What goes in early goes in deep." Wilder and Emma June know they're affecting you. They are so damn lucky. It's everything, that you let them. That they get to see.
I feel like I did this in the first year of my son's life - I was so terrified of being "just a mum." Now I can't think of anything more worthwhile to "just" be
“To say ‘it goes by too fast” implies that ‘it’ happens in time. Through time. But the magic of this deep love is precisely how it exists outside of time entirely.”
Print it. Hang it in the louvre. Enter into the cannon.
In a puddle over here. Thankful I get to be a parent near you. In this time.
My last baby, that I had at (surprise!) 40 years old, is turning 21 today. My years of parenting seem like a golden dream. So glad that I indulged them, so glad that I home schooled when I could, so glad that I enjoyed every moment!
My daughter is 23, and I’ve finally stopped looking at her baby pictures and crying. Every age she is has always been my favorite age she’s ever been because it is her here now.
OMG it goes by so fast. It's such a cliche and you hate to say it but it DOES. My son is about to be a senior and my baby is about to be a third grader. And but it was YESTERDAY that my SON was in third grade and my daughter wasn't even born yet. No matter how hard you try to hold on to the time it slips slips slips through your fingers. At least you can hold the memories of those days close and you get to keep them.
So happy I stumbled upon this beautiful snapshot of your blessed life. Have to say, it never changes when you truly let yourself feel and be with your creations. My “baby” is graduating college in a couple of months- and I just got three days of Freddy time- just the best still- I cherish it. My older son is moving in with his girlfriend and so the dynamic is shifting for all of us….but I fully intend to embrace every minute of every time we are together ….because I think time does go fast 😅 the only way to slow it down is being fully present. CARPE DIEM with your family- to me the most important element of all! Thank you again for your writing!
Alex, thank you for this. Your writing is amazing and this one got in my heart and twisted it. I love how you’re trying to dodge the cliches while, like all of us, landing firmly in them. As the Mom of two adults I find those big feeling never go away, not one bit.
Oh man you LANDED that ending. I feel like we're parallel in our parenting journeys right now - I'm about to publish a piece about things being hard and it also being my son's 4th birthday. Happy birthday to Wilder!
Also, Emma June sounds like a hoot, my daughter would love hanging out with her under that salad bar
I used to think I was holding parenting at arm's length because I was a feminist. Like: "I was made for MORE THAN THIS, stop trying to make me this one thing!" And bloop, I missed a few years, distracted by my somebodiness. I hate to admit that, but I have to admit it. I was racing around, trying to be important to the world when I *was* a whole world to the best kind of person--a soul yet un-shellacked. Kids are the greatest example of what's good about humanity. I'm so glad I got wise before mine grew up. I still work, I'm still busy, don't get me wrong. But when I'm with them, I let them all the way in. "The best part is, it's not even over yet." I'll remember that line.
You're showing me--we don't hold these years at arm's length because we're any kind of "ist" we hold them at arm's length because we know we're training for our own obsolescence and that if we let our kids fully change us, they'll smash our hearts to smithereens. As they should. Anyway, at a certain point, if you're lucky, you realize you're too soft to fuck around. You just go there--all the way, all the time. It hurts even as it's happening. Sometimes I feel like sinking in deep I am actually breaking my own heart--and I am. I'm breaking it open. Wider and wider.
Somebody recently said "What goes in early goes in deep." Wilder and Emma June know they're affecting you. They are so damn lucky. It's everything, that you let them. That they get to see.
I feel like I did this in the first year of my son's life - I was so terrified of being "just a mum." Now I can't think of anything more worthwhile to "just" be
I know Lauren had this BIG TIME too
god damn now I am crying again not FULLY but just the starting sort of tears I had to clarify or else I'd be a god damn liar
“To say ‘it goes by too fast” implies that ‘it’ happens in time. Through time. But the magic of this deep love is precisely how it exists outside of time entirely.”
Print it. Hang it in the louvre. Enter into the cannon.
In a puddle over here. Thankful I get to be a parent near you. In this time.
My last baby, that I had at (surprise!) 40 years old, is turning 21 today. My years of parenting seem like a golden dream. So glad that I indulged them, so glad that I home schooled when I could, so glad that I enjoyed every moment!
a golden dream, i love that
Meg, a golden dream. WOW YES, that's the way to put it.
My daughter is 23, and I’ve finally stopped looking at her baby pictures and crying. Every age she is has always been my favorite age she’s ever been because it is her here now.
her here now
people / writers will talk forever about how gd hard it is to capture parenting with language - you've done it.
"She accepts with a screech and we’re off."
"Heading past the easter candies to the floral department, he is electric and kind, gesticulating wildly with his paw patrol milk cup."
“Who’s turning four?” I say, slower and louder, like a translator.
this made me cry and feel so inspired. keep going <3
becca wtf your comment just made my week thank you
i will keep going truly i will
The slower and louder bit spoke to me, especially. I feel like I spend my life doing this 😂
This is not just music to my eyes, this is Hallelujah to my eyes -
Song by Sasha Dobrenko
Thank yoy for writing this - you touched my heart in so many ways
Spacibo
BTW, YOU ARE STILL 37 YEARS OLD...
don’t blink🤣 before you know it it’ll be his 40th birthday🤣 Happy Birthday Wilder🎉🎉🎉🎉 enjoy this time💕💕💕💚💚💚
This made me cry. The end.
OMG it goes by so fast. It's such a cliche and you hate to say it but it DOES. My son is about to be a senior and my baby is about to be a third grader. And but it was YESTERDAY that my SON was in third grade and my daughter wasn't even born yet. No matter how hard you try to hold on to the time it slips slips slips through your fingers. At least you can hold the memories of those days close and you get to keep them.
Oh wow. I loved this, Alex. You made me cry today (a good cry) 🩷
Love this so much.
This was wonderful to read. Beautifully written.
So happy I stumbled upon this beautiful snapshot of your blessed life. Have to say, it never changes when you truly let yourself feel and be with your creations. My “baby” is graduating college in a couple of months- and I just got three days of Freddy time- just the best still- I cherish it. My older son is moving in with his girlfriend and so the dynamic is shifting for all of us….but I fully intend to embrace every minute of every time we are together ….because I think time does go fast 😅 the only way to slow it down is being fully present. CARPE DIEM with your family- to me the most important element of all! Thank you again for your writing!
Alex, thank you for this. Your writing is amazing and this one got in my heart and twisted it. I love how you’re trying to dodge the cliches while, like all of us, landing firmly in them. As the Mom of two adults I find those big feeling never go away, not one bit.
thank youuuuuu
Oh man you LANDED that ending. I feel like we're parallel in our parenting journeys right now - I'm about to publish a piece about things being hard and it also being my son's 4th birthday. Happy birthday to Wilder!
Also, Emma June sounds like a hoot, my daughter would love hanging out with her under that salad bar
dawwww charlottte thank youu!!!! excited to read ur piece!
I'll be 38 next month. I notice I'm becoming hyper aware of the numbers. If I get the math right, my kids will be little forever.
fun fact - I am actually 37, as my dad pointed out in an earlier comment. so we're the same. keep me posted on this math
36-38 is one year, so you're good.