Oh boy! Our daughter was two in 1990 and our sons in 1992 and 1995, So, it was really funny to me to hear you both train your potent analytical skills and brilliant minds on your TWO YEAR OLDS!
Did I mention that they are TWO!
A few thoughts that I think may still hold three decades later.
My wife and I took being parents pretty seriously. But as much as we were there to take care of our kids, we thought, in turn, they were there to amuse us. It's a two way street!
In terms of sports, be careful of any of your kids being good enough to join a travel team. It'll destroy the entire family's weekends. That was not an issue for our three. Our two eldest played soccer; our daughter liked to pick daffodils away from the scrum and our son liked to announce the action away from the scrum.
Over programming is definitely a risk (even if it's Bay Area go-into-the-woods over programming). Quality time is unpredictable so having time at home as a family with nothing scheduled is really important
Your kids, like my kids, like everyone's kids, are going to be absolute jerks sometimes. Just know that it's normal. And I'm not talking about tantrums. I'm talking about devastating comments designed for maximum parental anguish. Just be prepared.
Parents hate other parents who brag about their kids' achievements. A loophole is when they do something that's exceptionally kind. But even with that, go easy.
Humor (especially the silly kind) is the best parental asset, and you both have great senses of humor so you will be ahead of the game because of that.
Ah yes, the resume speech. I’ve heard these at weddings, like David. It’s a little sad to me to think about a speech like this at a Bat Mitzvah, because that’s such a tender and formative age.
Amazing that you literally had this MAJOR realization about kid goals within the last coupled WEEKS, that’s quite impressive reflection and revision (one might even say you’re the best at self-reflection and you’re beating everyone else??)
I still glow if someone tells me my son is “so smart,” which happens sometimes since he’s an early talker. (He’s two guys! it’s a little ridiculous!). I don’t think that glowing about smartness will ever fade, and particularly because a lot of my own identity and self-worth are built around “being smart” after being a good student for so many years. But I try to be super aware of it, and not pile on. I don’t think I’ll always get it right, but I do feel confident that I will never give a resume speech.
Thanks for reading and commenting Kimia, and I’m stoked for your future really chill kids!
I heard a heartfelt speech for a dad, given by his daughter at a funeral on Friday and it will stay with me forever. So so good. (and sorry to rain on the parade of weddings and bat mitzvahs with a funeral).
Your thoughts and experiences resonant so strongly with me. This Sunday is the final soccer session of the fall season for my 3 year old. This chat opened my eyes to being okay with the chaos. I’m going to try to have more fun with this one.
I love how thoughtful and reflective you both are about parenting. As a parent my biggest wish is that my kids get to know, love, and trust themselves and understand what works and what doesn’t for them. I hold that with the reality that our culture is competitive, so how do I set them up for “success” without losing my biggest wish? With one in high school and grades going on transcripts that colleges will look at, the struggle is so real. How do I balance its ok if you don’t get an A with if you get an A you have more and better opportunities? Ugh.
Hey Kim! 👋 . Yes...you describe the big predicament perfectly. I do think a lot comes down to the definition of "success," and I do not have the final answer here at all!
My kids are now 26 and 21. I never cared about their grades and achievements. It may be a bit of a rebellion on my part being Korean and grades meaning everything growing up. Ironically my kids were A students. Their father and I had no idea how that happened. Like you, what was important for me was that they knew what THEY wanted instead of wanting to get the nods and applauses. So instead of immediately giving them feedback, I first asked for theirs. On themselves. How do they feel about their efforts? Because that’s what I felt mattered most. They’re certainly not perfect, and they go through their angst like everyone else but they tune into themselves. I guess that’s all I could ask for.
Love this convo between y’all. As a therapist I get to two sides to this thing which is A.) Sitting with people who are working through effects of the harm done by their parents and B.) Sitting with people who are themselves parents working through the deeper reasons beneath their (mostly subconscious) parenting woes that they aren’t proud of. Which - ironically almost always comes back to A somehow.
Love the candidness of this convo and getting to hear/see it other than just read it was fun!
Oh boy! Our daughter was two in 1990 and our sons in 1992 and 1995, So, it was really funny to me to hear you both train your potent analytical skills and brilliant minds on your TWO YEAR OLDS!
Did I mention that they are TWO!
A few thoughts that I think may still hold three decades later.
My wife and I took being parents pretty seriously. But as much as we were there to take care of our kids, we thought, in turn, they were there to amuse us. It's a two way street!
In terms of sports, be careful of any of your kids being good enough to join a travel team. It'll destroy the entire family's weekends. That was not an issue for our three. Our two eldest played soccer; our daughter liked to pick daffodils away from the scrum and our son liked to announce the action away from the scrum.
Over programming is definitely a risk (even if it's Bay Area go-into-the-woods over programming). Quality time is unpredictable so having time at home as a family with nothing scheduled is really important
Your kids, like my kids, like everyone's kids, are going to be absolute jerks sometimes. Just know that it's normal. And I'm not talking about tantrums. I'm talking about devastating comments designed for maximum parental anguish. Just be prepared.
Parents hate other parents who brag about their kids' achievements. A loophole is when they do something that's exceptionally kind. But even with that, go easy.
Humor (especially the silly kind) is the best parental asset, and you both have great senses of humor so you will be ahead of the game because of that.
.
Loving all this advice, and I DEFINITELY think it all still holds! Here's to humor as the NUMBER ONE tool for parents!!
Ah yes, the resume speech. I’ve heard these at weddings, like David. It’s a little sad to me to think about a speech like this at a Bat Mitzvah, because that’s such a tender and formative age.
Amazing that you literally had this MAJOR realization about kid goals within the last coupled WEEKS, that’s quite impressive reflection and revision (one might even say you’re the best at self-reflection and you’re beating everyone else??)
I still glow if someone tells me my son is “so smart,” which happens sometimes since he’s an early talker. (He’s two guys! it’s a little ridiculous!). I don’t think that glowing about smartness will ever fade, and particularly because a lot of my own identity and self-worth are built around “being smart” after being a good student for so many years. But I try to be super aware of it, and not pile on. I don’t think I’ll always get it right, but I do feel confident that I will never give a resume speech.
Thanks for reading and commenting Kimia, and I’m stoked for your future really chill kids!
The glow after a kid compliment is 100% natural. I still get the glow and they’re in their 30’s. The glow will never stop!
I now go to weddings of my kids’ friends like the one last night
Generally there are two types of speeches at these events
Resume speeches like the one you got hit with
And heartfelt speeches with stories, which are the ones people remember
The speech by the bride’s bestie was the best speech I can remember hearing
It was all about their friendship and it was both funny and heartwarming
I heard a heartfelt speech for a dad, given by his daughter at a funeral on Friday and it will stay with me forever. So so good. (and sorry to rain on the parade of weddings and bat mitzvahs with a funeral).
Your thoughts and experiences resonant so strongly with me. This Sunday is the final soccer session of the fall season for my 3 year old. This chat opened my eyes to being okay with the chaos. I’m going to try to have more fun with this one.
So glad it resonated, thanks for the note!
I love how thoughtful and reflective you both are about parenting. As a parent my biggest wish is that my kids get to know, love, and trust themselves and understand what works and what doesn’t for them. I hold that with the reality that our culture is competitive, so how do I set them up for “success” without losing my biggest wish? With one in high school and grades going on transcripts that colleges will look at, the struggle is so real. How do I balance its ok if you don’t get an A with if you get an A you have more and better opportunities? Ugh.
Hey Kim! 👋 . Yes...you describe the big predicament perfectly. I do think a lot comes down to the definition of "success," and I do not have the final answer here at all!
When you do, let me know 🤣
My kids are now 26 and 21. I never cared about their grades and achievements. It may be a bit of a rebellion on my part being Korean and grades meaning everything growing up. Ironically my kids were A students. Their father and I had no idea how that happened. Like you, what was important for me was that they knew what THEY wanted instead of wanting to get the nods and applauses. So instead of immediately giving them feedback, I first asked for theirs. On themselves. How do they feel about their efforts? Because that’s what I felt mattered most. They’re certainly not perfect, and they go through their angst like everyone else but they tune into themselves. I guess that’s all I could ask for.
I'm going to guess that your children turned into excellent adults. I wish someone had shared your philosophy with me decades ago. 🙃
I love that, turning it back to themselves. Thanks for sharing that.
You should do this again!
Love this convo between y’all. As a therapist I get to two sides to this thing which is A.) Sitting with people who are working through effects of the harm done by their parents and B.) Sitting with people who are themselves parents working through the deeper reasons beneath their (mostly subconscious) parenting woes that they aren’t proud of. Which - ironically almost always comes back to A somehow.
Love the candidness of this convo and getting to hear/see it other than just read it was fun!