anxiety at work!!

hey boss, are you mad at me?

Remember last year when I went sort of crazy and all my asks for subscribing to BAT went from ‘cool cheddar dorito’ to ‘flamin hot cheeto’??

There’s a reason for that: I was on month five of being unemployed with a toddler and pregnant wife living in LA, a horrendous experience I would definitely wish on my worst enemy fuck that guy. 

It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying. I applied everywhere. I was rejected everywhere sae for one place - a real estate course company that sold $5,000 courses run by HGTV influencer host guys¹.

I was like sure yes I will do this stupid job I have no interest in no problem. Sure I’ll do this ‘case study’ where I have to write in the voice of the ‘brand visionary’ that’ll go under a video of him dressing up like an actual wizard and sure I’ll lose all the Gandalf jokes because you think that’s ‘too niche’ HAPPY TO. 

I got an offer!! With one condition - I’d need to relocate to Tempe, AZ where they’re based.  

They sent over a 14MB flyer outlining why Tempe, AZ was amazing. It was riddled with typos and said Tempe’s temperature (lol) varied from 40 to 105 degrees and is rarely above 110! 

And I genuinely considered it. I was like yea maybe this is the right thing to do. 

Then something amazing happened.

Enter Sublime, a platform for saving all of the cool shit you find online².

The founder of a

Sari Azout

- a friend from college - had become a fan of my work on this very newsletter. The startup was growing. ‘A seat had opened at the table' for someone to head up content and community and vibe and she thought I might be that guy. We talked and talked and eventually both decided that yes, I would fill that seat. 

And fill it I did. The first email I sent included a mullet joke! I was writing for

The Sublime Newsletter

! I was less sad than normal!

the first time anyone has ever made a mullet joke in a company email

Things only got suspiciously better from there. I'd send a message to Sari or the rest of the team and I'd...hear back? It felt like an episode of the Twilight Zone - “imagine if you will, a world in which a man has a job that he…actually likes.”

For my first big assignment - an end of 2023 letter to our team + investors + community, I asked what date we needed it done by. “Whenever you feel like it’s ready,” Sari told me, “this is important and we want to do it right, not have it dictated by some arbitrary deadline we set for ourselves.” 

Esqueegee? A baking powder? I did not understand. My entire work life of 15 years has been spent meeting arbitrary deadlines. The whole thing felt suspicious the way a good day feels suspicious – it’s eerily quiet and devoid of doubt and darkness? No, that can’t be. That just means the bad stuff is regrouping. Working on a new plan. A change in leadership, maybe.

Maybe the bad time is already here and I haven’t noticed? What am I not seeing? Why hasn’t everyone realized what I know to be true - that I’m a real stinker shitbrain good for nothing bad for everything nobody nobrain no soul loser?

I KNOW this to be true the way conspiracy theorists KNOW 9/11 was an inside job. The proof is everywhere, even if you can’t see it. Trust me, it’s there. 

For a little while there at Sublime I’d started to doubt it - maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was a good guy. 

As if.

something awful

It’s March 2024. Biden is president and stocks are up (no idea how to check if this is true). 

I’m working away at Sublime but things feel…off. I get a Slack message from Sari saying she saw the videos I'd shared and was struggling to find a way to use them without sounding sales-y.

SALES-Y!!! The kiss of death for any creative and also for anyone working in sales!

Then, she canceled a meeting:

I say ‘perfect’ because I’m a good liar but in reality, the truth has become clear: I suck she hates me she's going to fire me soon very soon in fact she's already decided she's going to fire me and feels bad that she has to wait until Friday as per the cultural norms to tell me so.

Maybe I'll just resign today and save us both the trouble.

the next few days 

The thing about conspiracy theories is that sometimes, they’re right — MKUltra, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and, now, “Alex is a shit” (wikipedia page forthcoming). 

I spiraled once more into the all too familiar rabbit hole of my own self-loathing. The proof of my terribleness was everywhere:

Slack was quiet for a few hours and I knew it was because everyone was meeting without me to try and figure out what to do with me now that they’d realized the awful mistake they’d made in hiring me. 

I’d look at Substack to find my posts doing terribly (compared to normal) and my paid subscribers going down because of course they were. Everyone knew!

I’d be walking into the house after Lauren and she wouldn’t hold the door open for me, ah so I’m not even worthy of a polite gesture anymore from my own wife wow cool cool great.

Here’s an actual text exchange I had with Lauren:

Classic Lauren to try and trick me into thinking this was all about my strengths. She, like Sari and everyone else ever, pities me and so they protect me from the truth. (This is conspiracy theory 101 stuff.) 

Two more days of hemming + two more nights of hawing and I was fed up. I nearly ate my own shoe.

Finally, I asked Sari if she had five minutes to chat.

We got on a video call and I just sorta blurted it out - “So this is probably really stupid but I think I’ve had this story that you…,” I said, staring off screen to avoid even the simulacra of eye contact, “well are you mad at me?” 

“Or like are you unhappy with my work or something? I don’t know I think I’ve just been feeling that and I wanted to ask and just talk through it instead of keeping it in my brain.” 

Calmly, Sari responded, “No not at all. I feel like you’ve been doing a great job. Trust me, I like being very direct with people and if there were any issues or anything, I would let you know.” 

“Oh…ok. Cool,” I said like a guy trying to downplay crashing his car into a bridge. No big. 

I brought up some of the things I’d been anxious about. 

“Yea I’ve just been crazy busy these last few days.” 

She also has three kids, did I mention that? 

never the twain shall meet

For my entire adult life, there have been two versions of me - day job Alex and creative artist Alex, each of whom had a whole family he had to keep separate from the other one.

Five years ago, I would have never brought up my anxiety to my boss within months of starting a new job. I’d have held it in and let it fester and metastasize into my resentment d’être.

But something is changing. My two families are meeting one another at a big party in a tent at the park and everyone sorta loves each other?

Still, sharing this stuff all feels scarier than a nightmare on Elm St.

I remember worrying that telling Sari would make me look weak. She’d have all the control. But like, whatever. I’d rather be powerless and real than holding a bunch of power while crumbling like a slab of undercooked cornbread. 

I’ve also been terrified to share that I even have a job with all of you BATheads. 

For one, I worried that outing myself as a member of the duly and fully (pronounced fooly) employed class would in some way render me as a less than real artist, a writer not so much worth your time as your pity “God job lil fella,” you’d all say to me, giving me a nice rub on the head.

Two, isn’t it shitty to ask for money for my writing since now that I have a job? This of course is

I work hard on BAT and artists deserve to be paid for their work. Did I just sneak a lil ad for BAT inside this essay you bet your butt I did, Ronald, now pay up.

Also, while I’ve got you here - let’s talk about Sublime lol.

No but actually it’s very dope. Here’s Sari going deep on why it’s awesome. Have I drunk the Kool Aid? Yea probably. But the thing is, Koolaid tastes good. Especially when you drink it together. Yum.

I know you BAThead knucklefarts are a bunch of creative passionate multitalented lil fuckers, so if you wanna try creating a Sublime library just DM me and I can help ya try it out (and skip the 30k person wantlist which Sari has not yet said is ok for me to offer…Sari if you read this plz lmk thx!!)

meet me at the

I often forget and then remember again how self-loathing is really just narcissism in disguise. Everyone thinks it means thinking highly of yourself - nope; it just means thinking ONLY of yourself, see also: conspiracy theories.

In truth, no one really thinks all that much about me. That’s obvious now but impossible to believe when I’m spinning down into my own fart factory of fears and failure (Hemingway could never).

What helps, I keep finding, is talking to someone, whether it be your boss or your love or Ludacris if he’s a pal of yours. 

One time, Lauren was having really intense anxiety about not hearing back from a director she’d just pitched about them working together. She said I was patient and kind and helped her through it by asking what the worst thing that could happen would be. 

I don’t get the job. 

Ok that’s not the end of the world right? What’s even worse?

I don’t work this month.

Ok we can get through that. Keep going what’s the woooorst thing?

I get blacklisted in LA and we have to move. 

Ok great then we get to leave LA! We can get a farm. This could be the best thing that’s ever happened to us. 

I printed “Meet Me At The Farm” out on a label maker and put it on our mirror. 

I don’t remember if Lauren got the job but we are leaving LA in two weeks. Like, actually. 

I’ve printed something new onto the mirror:  

Meet me at the worst case scenario that might just be the best thing that’s ever happened to us in fact maybe that’s been the conspiracy the whole time mind blown emoji.

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 Comments:

1. Having a day job and being an artist - let’s talk about it!

2. How do you deal with the anxiety spirals?

4. I know being able to share your feels is a rare thing at work. What do you do when you can’t share your shit cuz your superiors are Bad?

1. The whole thing was built on teaching people about SubTo, a method where the buyer takes over the existing mortgage of a seller without involving banks. 
Sounds healthy!

2. And other people are there on the app too so you can look through other people's highlights and connect them to yours, but it isn't a social network! No likes, no comments, no nothin' just good vibes and big thinks.