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Actor prepares for audition: Wacky Guy 1
join celebrated commercial actor Alex Dobrenko as he gets ready for the audition that just might change everything
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and now onto the show!
AUDITION FOR ALEX DOBRENKO - Pizza Hut
Role Name: Wacky Guy 1
Role Description: 30s - incredibly average, not traditionally attractive but a little cute sometimes. Immature, not as successful as his friends but there’s something there. Some charm - think Paul Rudd or Jonah Hill but before they got famous. MUST HAVE serious acting experience - comedy is a must. Acting chops too - Wacky Guy has serious, grounded acting a la Daniel Day Lewis or William H Macy. But also of course FUNNY. Must be willing to eat pizza hut pizza with ALL toppings (no vegetarians please).
walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror and then without any conscious thought whatsoever: raise your eyebrows, keep em raised, smirk just a tad from the right side of your mouth. look at this wacky lil guy.
suck in your cheeks so your lips pout forward and your chin drops down, all of which creates, for a brief moment, the illusion of a chiseled jaw.
keep the eyebrows up and hold, look at yourself in the mirror and confirm that yes this is the ‘sexy’ look you involuntarily make whenever you see your own face in the mirror.
realize that a wacky guy with a chiseled jaw is a serial killer is a demented game show host is a Steve Buscemi.
deep breath and reset, let it all go - you’re great as you are.
struggle to maintain eye contact with yourself for reasons that are beyond you and inside you and really have nothing to do with you but nonetheless have become you.
raise eyebrows again but this time add a big ol open mouth smile like you’re having the time of your life you wacky zany guy you - hey that looks pretty good!
lift your shirt and check to see if you have abs.
angle stomach to the light such that you see two abs, maybe even three!
flex your stomach to see if any more abs appear - they do! there’s a fourth and maybe even a 5th but what the fuck look at your gut its huge how can you have so many abs and also a big ol gut this is absurd.
consider gaining weight to become softer, more squeezable like the funny guys usually are - right now you live in that uncanny valley between good looking leading man and chubby best friend and THAT yes THAT is why no one can cast you to sell pizza hut pizza or really any fast food, soft drink, or just about anything else that’s selling right now!
remember how Chris Pratt looked on Parks and Rec? He was chubby and he gained like another 60 pounds because he said it would make his character funnier. Look at him now he’s an action superstar but first he had to go all in on the wacky. do you really want this or not?!?!
another deep breath and reset. turn off the ezra klein podcast you’ve been ‘listening’ to this entire time which is the least wacky thing someone could do.
except actually wait, listening to “How Media Ecology Will Decide if Democracy Lives Or Dies” while prepping to be wacky guy? That’s wacky as hell!
Squint your eyes like you’re James Dean Clint Eastwood cool as hell and think “ok I actually do look good here” and realize that you no longer have any idea if you’re being sarcastic or not which, hey, is pretty darned wacky too !
raise chin up and out to see how each side of the underneck is performing - not great - the cool guy illusion shatters. Who do you think you are, you wacky ass idiot.
that’s it - you’re a wacky ass idiot. smile genuinely at this realization now hey that’s a nice looking guy! a little wacky sure but something more - he’s got a deep rich inner life like famous character actors turned leading men Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman!
say things like “What the heck?” and “Um...I actually like messy sandwiches” out loud and realize that you ARE a wacky guy - a real wacky guy not just some normal guy pretending to be a wacky guy you are authentic and vulnerable and absolutely perfect!!!
ok but wait: do you really want to be the wacky guy? you’re a serious person you care about war and inflation and other stuff too.
is this really how your story ends? after your family’s struggle to move to america and all your hard work and SAT prep and working working working and for what? begging for the chance to be a wacky guy for a pizza hut commercial?
what about all the other guys you might be like handsome guy loves philosophy guy or just wants to hang out with his wife and son for a while but is in no other way interesting or?
realize once more that having all this depth and deciding to shill products for these multinationals while simultaneously bemoaning their role as essential players in the capitalist system destroying you - THAT is the wackiest shit that’s ever been.
look at you, you wacky little son of a bitch. You’re as wacky as they come you’re Charlie Chaplin for god’s sake, James Corden Steve Carrell Jonah Hill before he lost weight Ryan Reynolds Paul Rudd Jack Fucking Black Mr. Bean Adam Sandler Rob Schneider Elijah Wood Alex Dobrenko NOW GO OUT THERE AND BE THE WACKIEST GUY YOU CAN but also subtle and still be yourself don’t play it up they will feel that and they will tell you to do it again but less, much, much less.
head out, you wacky, wacky average but also sort of good looking and very funny but also very seriously talented actor who is, in short if he had to be summed up in just two words, Wacky Guy.
drive to 200 S La Brea and park on the street do NOT park in the Petco parking lot you WILL BE TOWED.
walk up the stairs and into a giant lobby that feels like Costco for auditions - with ten different rooms running at once - here in the middle are twenty heavy set black men with mustaches, behind them are fifteen teenage girls ALL OF WHOM HAVE BRAIDS, and there, yes in the far corner, are twenty wacky ass guys who look exactly like you.
they are not replicas, no, worse - they are your type - all just like you but with some ever so slight variation that makes them each, in their own unique way, better than you: some are wackier others are more attractive and at least one is way funnier too. look at him charming the casting director with his jokes and stories how the hell is she falling for his shit??
walk up to the sign in sheet, look around and say “hey look at us we’re all twins” and wait for the laugh but no one really does because that makes no fucking sense how can twenty people all be twins jesus christ.
waddle over to the bench and sit and review the lines for the audition: “this is pizza hut? it tastes like italy!”
THIS is pizza hut? it tastes like italy!
this is PIZZA HUT? it tastes like italy.
this is pizza hut? it TASTES like italy??
this is pizza hut. it tastes like italy!
hear your name being called, walk in and do a slate where you tell them your name and lie about your height and say that yes you are willing to shave if necessary and that includes your head, body, butt back and balls.
do an actually amazing job on the audition like surprisingly great the person behind the camera even laughed a little which isn’t normal so yea you have a shot at this a real shot.
drive home happy as a plum who is also, sure, a wacky guy, but more so a human being playing back the audition over and over in your mind, truly happy with how you said the line: this is pizza HUT? it tastes LIKE italy. elevated subtle film acting at its finest daniel day lewis could never.
wait a day to hear back about the callback.
wait another day to hear about the callback.
wait a third day - still nothing.
wait a few more days even though you know its over - you didn’t get a call back and you you will never hear why so all you know is this - you were not the wacky guy they wanted.
be sad for a while but eventually let it fade into nothingness like every other audition you don’t get until one day you’re with your friends and family and things are good and you feel fulfilled in a way that has nothing to do with your career and there on the TV is a commercial for the pizza that tastes like italy and god damn it there’s the wacky guy the one who was charming everyone and, damn it, he really is doing a great job being a wacky guy. he looks just like you but different. wackier without trying. zany without pushing. also he’s rich, because he is the Wacky Guy and you? you’re a guy who wants to be wacky, a guy that’s too wacky, no its even worse: you’re just...a guy, a guy whose now hungry and, hey look across the street - a pizza hut.
get everyone’s attention and say, deadpan and sad, ‘hey ‘yall wanna go get some pizza hut? it tastes like italy.’ and know, by the looks on their faces, that your wacky little ass just convinced them, the people that matter most, to hang with you and eat some pizza.
realize that this, this right here is what life is really about because honestly what else do you have you didn’t book the commercial you wack ass guy you.