When my first kid was born the paperwork had a big blank space at the top to fill in: “mother’s name.” I wrote my own mother’s name. It’s really quite confusing to become the one in charge. You’re like—oh right all the people I’ve ever looked up to were also just faking it.
Truly. Parenting has got to be the source of the “fake-it-til-you-make-it” sentiment. I think this partially the reason that making friends with other parents becomes so compelling after you have kids, because we’re all just so fascinated by what we’re doing because we all acknowledge that none of us know what we’re doing… but here we are… doing it anyway.
Hi. I really enjoy your newsletters. I subscribed to a bunch when I first signed up and yours is they only one I read consistently. Well, yours and a cryptic one that comes from the universe but that one’s only a few words long so it doesn’t count. You’re very human which I enjoy. I hope you take that as a compliment, I intend it to be one.
I once bought a bubble gun for my kids that worked so well for the price I paid that it temporarily restored my faith in commerce. That’s probably my favorite way to make bubbles.
I enjoyed this comment as much as I enjoyed Alex’s post. I’m imagining the sort of person who would be offended by being perceived as very human. Also I’m curious about your not-as-favourite ways to make bubbles 🫧😊
Alex, this is exquisitely perfect, and also a bit painful, to read. My children are grown and my grandchildren are growing. Did my parents ever feel this way about me? I’ll never know. They’ve both died recently and I’m struggling to make sense of our incomplete relationship. Your image of the one bubble that kept going over the waves, not bursting, is perfect. You’re asking, and answering, all the right questions! Thank you, as always, for nailing the bittersweet.
My oldest started school last week, and turned 5 today, so this hit me right in the feels. I don't know if it's your writing, the changes in my own life or the fact I was up at 4:30am making a slow cooker casserole (and am therefore delirious) that is now making me cry, but either way, thank you. You've written this so beautifully, and it really resonated. I'm a fan of all of your pieces, but these more intimate portraits of life with your kids are so magical, I really look forward to them ❤️
Children, biological or not, are here for us to learn from not necessarily the other way around. I knew this when I was a kid and I try not to forget it as an adult. At every stage, they are teaching us, so we don’t forget, so we don’t become hardened and rigid and fixed. As infants, they teach us unconditional love, presence and wonder. As toddlers and children, they teach us about the importance and necessity of play and friends. As adolescents, they show us the flaws and contradictions in our thinking and worldviews, and we should listen to them.
I don't have children but my brother's twin girls just turned five. I still remember them at three, two lady bugs waddling around us. His son turned eight and he's already in school and playing 'Prince of Persia' on the PS4. He's still a boy but so grown up already, I don't know.
He played for hours with my husband while I enjoyed a game of Tierkake-Bingo with the twins. (Tierkake-Bingo = Animal Poop Bingo, I didn't invent it, I bought it at the bookstore!)
My bubble has just left for college ,all the way from Mumbai to LA, the farthest she can go from us. My bubble I hope, catches the sun and finds her colours and when she is all shiny rides a wave back home to us left on the shore staring at the horizon
Nothing will replace the day several years ago that I called my own parents and exclaimed in a very long and finally wise manner - “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I get it now.” No explanation required, they knew exactly what I meant - unbeknownst to them, my now 22 y/o son had made some poor choices that mirrored my own at his age. Alex, this piece is stunning. I’m sitting at the Whole Foods cafe looking a proud fool, feeling all the feels. To top it off, my second son is hanging on to his last year before adulthood and it is ROUGH. You are correct in that they march off to their own bubble party way back at preschool age, not 17. I’m going to hold onto this piece from you. Thank you.
My youngest is in pre-school. My oldest is in 1st grade. Every day, I wish I could send them messages to say, “Hey buddy!—How’s your day going? I miss you! What are you learning right now? Did you get to experience something new today?” But then I remember that they’re 3 and 6 and I can’t do that because they won’t have phones until they’re 37 (fingers crossed anyway).
Isn’t it weird that, once they start going to school, that’s the point at which they start living a life separate from us that we’ll (for the most part) know increasingly little about, the older they get? This both fascinates and terrifies me. I’m proud and heartbroken at the same time.
I currently live in denial-brain stopped going past this stage I guess, it's blown up to shreds with many other ...things, and I have to function still, and if I fully intake this new change too, I might just be gone.
So to me, every turn of the key-it might be him. Not him? well then maybe in a couple of hours it'll be him.
Thanks Alex, this was painful. Our daughter is 31 and recently visited from the other side of the country (Toronto). For some unknown reason, this visit brought with it a "you're born alone and you die alone" kind of feeling for me. I love her keenly---she's the most important human being in the world to me. And yet, naturally, she has her own life. A full life, a functional life, a reasonably happy life. I did my job in that respect, and of course I'm glad for that. Then there's the part of me that says (inside my head) STAY, STAY, DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND, YOU BELONG HERE, THIS IS YOUR FAMILY, I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE AT ALL TIMES, PREFERABLY AS A 3-YEAR OLD HOLDING ON TO MY LEG AND LOOKING UP AT ME. DON'T GO!
I would lose my mind if she lived here. She'd drive me out of my mind.
My baby girl is about to have a baby boy of her own soon (10/23) and yet I still vividly remember her coming home from her first days of pre-school and, during our after school chats, realizing that I didn’t know everything and everyone she had been exposed to.
It was very unsettling for me and something I had to come to terms with.
Sofia is in kinder now. Jack’s in 3rd grade. They have their own personalities. Sofia is sassy. She wants me to get all her friends’ moms’ phone numbers.
Jack is quiet and loves to draw. He keeps telling me how his friends have cell phones. I tell him he needs to talk to his parents.
Trying to pry info about their day is so tough.
“I don’t know!” “I don’t want to talk about it!” “Auntie, let us relax.”
Perla!! Omg hi we miss y'all too how are the new neighbors are they as cool as us I hope not. How's the hood?? Lauren keeps making fun of me for leaving too much of our shit on the grass by the sidewalk lol
I do not have kids, but I DO love bubbles. I like to make them out of spit to disgusting my husband in a cute way.
But also, I love this essay. Thank you for sharing.
Wait you do what
When my first kid was born the paperwork had a big blank space at the top to fill in: “mother’s name.” I wrote my own mother’s name. It’s really quite confusing to become the one in charge. You’re like—oh right all the people I’ve ever looked up to were also just faking it.
Truly. Parenting has got to be the source of the “fake-it-til-you-make-it” sentiment. I think this partially the reason that making friends with other parents becomes so compelling after you have kids, because we’re all just so fascinated by what we’re doing because we all acknowledge that none of us know what we’re doing… but here we are… doing it anyway.
WHO LET US DO THIS?!?!
Haha right it's like "wait, y'all too?"
Also I feel like its more 'fake it till you realize there is no make it, just fake it all the way down'
🤣 That's lovely, you wrote your mom's name!
Lol I'd just put like "earth mother???"
Hi. I really enjoy your newsletters. I subscribed to a bunch when I first signed up and yours is they only one I read consistently. Well, yours and a cryptic one that comes from the universe but that one’s only a few words long so it doesn’t count. You’re very human which I enjoy. I hope you take that as a compliment, I intend it to be one.
I once bought a bubble gun for my kids that worked so well for the price I paid that it temporarily restored my faith in commerce. That’s probably my favorite way to make bubbles.
I enjoyed this comment as much as I enjoyed Alex’s post. I’m imagining the sort of person who would be offended by being perceived as very human. Also I’m curious about your not-as-favourite ways to make bubbles 🫧😊
Thank you! Also, I agree, nothing quite like bubbles made by the all mighty gods of global capitalism (not sarcastic)
Alex, this is exquisitely perfect, and also a bit painful, to read. My children are grown and my grandchildren are growing. Did my parents ever feel this way about me? I’ll never know. They’ve both died recently and I’m struggling to make sense of our incomplete relationship. Your image of the one bubble that kept going over the waves, not bursting, is perfect. You’re asking, and answering, all the right questions! Thank you, as always, for nailing the bittersweet.
Heart emoji x3
as someone’s daughter, i’m grateful for the reminder of how very lucky i am to have not just one but two people to whom i am the entire world <3
My oldest started school last week, and turned 5 today, so this hit me right in the feels. I don't know if it's your writing, the changes in my own life or the fact I was up at 4:30am making a slow cooker casserole (and am therefore delirious) that is now making me cry, but either way, thank you. You've written this so beautifully, and it really resonated. I'm a fan of all of your pieces, but these more intimate portraits of life with your kids are so magical, I really look forward to them ❤️
From now on, I require all my essays be read by all people only after waking up at 430 to make a slow cooker casserole. There is no other way.
For real tho thank u this comment means a lot thank you
You're welcome ❤️
Children, biological or not, are here for us to learn from not necessarily the other way around. I knew this when I was a kid and I try not to forget it as an adult. At every stage, they are teaching us, so we don’t forget, so we don’t become hardened and rigid and fixed. As infants, they teach us unconditional love, presence and wonder. As toddlers and children, they teach us about the importance and necessity of play and friends. As adolescents, they show us the flaws and contradictions in our thinking and worldviews, and we should listen to them.
Facts
I don't have children but my brother's twin girls just turned five. I still remember them at three, two lady bugs waddling around us. His son turned eight and he's already in school and playing 'Prince of Persia' on the PS4. He's still a boy but so grown up already, I don't know.
Loved this tender newsletter!
From what I remember that game slaps. Good taste for that 8yo I wish him well
He played for hours with my husband while I enjoyed a game of Tierkake-Bingo with the twins. (Tierkake-Bingo = Animal Poop Bingo, I didn't invent it, I bought it at the bookstore!)
My bubble has just left for college ,all the way from Mumbai to LA, the farthest she can go from us. My bubble I hope, catches the sun and finds her colours and when she is all shiny rides a wave back home to us left on the shore staring at the horizon
Mumbai to LA !!! That's wild. Wishing all of you the best in bubble lands
Nothing will replace the day several years ago that I called my own parents and exclaimed in a very long and finally wise manner - “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I get it now.” No explanation required, they knew exactly what I meant - unbeknownst to them, my now 22 y/o son had made some poor choices that mirrored my own at his age. Alex, this piece is stunning. I’m sitting at the Whole Foods cafe looking a proud fool, feeling all the feels. To top it off, my second son is hanging on to his last year before adulthood and it is ROUGH. You are correct in that they march off to their own bubble party way back at preschool age, not 17. I’m going to hold onto this piece from you. Thank you.
I'm so glad you dug it thank you for sharing
My youngest is in pre-school. My oldest is in 1st grade. Every day, I wish I could send them messages to say, “Hey buddy!—How’s your day going? I miss you! What are you learning right now? Did you get to experience something new today?” But then I remember that they’re 3 and 6 and I can’t do that because they won’t have phones until they’re 37 (fingers crossed anyway).
Isn’t it weird that, once they start going to school, that’s the point at which they start living a life separate from us that we’ll (for the most part) know increasingly little about, the older they get? This both fascinates and terrifies me. I’m proud and heartbroken at the same time.
Its so fucked up, the way it all works. Diabolical tbh
yes and yes
and strangely, doesn't get easier.
I currently live in denial-brain stopped going past this stage I guess, it's blown up to shreds with many other ...things, and I have to function still, and if I fully intake this new change too, I might just be gone.
So to me, every turn of the key-it might be him. Not him? well then maybe in a couple of hours it'll be him.
Good essay
Thank you for reading and commenting Chen
Thanks Alex, this was painful. Our daughter is 31 and recently visited from the other side of the country (Toronto). For some unknown reason, this visit brought with it a "you're born alone and you die alone" kind of feeling for me. I love her keenly---she's the most important human being in the world to me. And yet, naturally, she has her own life. A full life, a functional life, a reasonably happy life. I did my job in that respect, and of course I'm glad for that. Then there's the part of me that says (inside my head) STAY, STAY, DON'T GO BACK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND, YOU BELONG HERE, THIS IS YOUR FAMILY, I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE AT ALL TIMES, PREFERABLY AS A 3-YEAR OLD HOLDING ON TO MY LEG AND LOOKING UP AT ME. DON'T GO!
I would lose my mind if she lived here. She'd drive me out of my mind.
“I just don’t know.”
Hahahahaha I think there are basically two responses to all of life
I just don't know
Both are true
Also maybe 'wtf I need a nap'
My baby girl is about to have a baby boy of her own soon (10/23) and yet I still vividly remember her coming home from her first days of pre-school and, during our after school chats, realizing that I didn’t know everything and everyone she had been exposed to.
It was very unsettling for me and something I had to come to terms with.
Awesome piece!
Sofia is in kinder now. Jack’s in 3rd grade. They have their own personalities. Sofia is sassy. She wants me to get all her friends’ moms’ phone numbers.
Jack is quiet and loves to draw. He keeps telling me how his friends have cell phones. I tell him he needs to talk to his parents.
Trying to pry info about their day is so tough.
“I don’t know!” “I don’t want to talk about it!” “Auntie, let us relax.”
Miss you guys!
Perla!! Omg hi we miss y'all too how are the new neighbors are they as cool as us I hope not. How's the hood?? Lauren keeps making fun of me for leaving too much of our shit on the grass by the sidewalk lol