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founding

These are a lot of big questions. Ideal fodder for an anxious mind. Whenever I have big questions I discover that I kinda relish feeling torn. Like if I chew this bone to a pulp maybe I’ll have punished myself enough to get some clarity. Instead, nothing makes sense because it’s wet mush. It doesn’t sound like that’s with you, though. Sounds like you want to be a writer FT and that’s that. And I love everything you’re doing w/ the hustle and how you say what you want and ask us to support you. God I hope this story ends with: “and then the whole internet became founding members so the brilliant fool could stay home with his wife and his kids and his passion.” I’m rooting hard for you and I only just discovered BAT! (Ps: it’s gonna happen.)

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1) Yes I do.

2) Especially when I fart, but yes.

3) I wish I could talk to you so much about all of this but especially about kids, stability, art, and the time in the desert that I have spent away from the truest things I'd like to do. And I'm sure my husband would say similar things. In short, we do what we value most even if it seems at odds with what we think we want or value? And sometimes that is out of fear and family of origin stuff, but sometimes it's also because we just value that thing (stability, love, family) more than the thing we desire (to be a TV producer/storyteller/executive/actor) and sometimes we can find our way back to a combination of those values, which is what later middle age seems to be about-the integration of all self.

But if I could shoot the shit with you like in the old days I'd enjoy that. Thanks for this piece.

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1. a friend once said "you're either a Woohoo! girl, or a Woo-woo girl," and I definitely used to be a 'Woo-woo' girl, because I did all the tarot and crystals and moon situations etc. This post is making me wonder if I should dig my cards out and give myself a reading 'cause I am on the precipice of deciding whether to stay in London or not for the time being. I kinda walked away from tarot because I think I was relying on it too much and outsourcing my 'gut instinct' and also I think I was just scared of them because they predicted a big breakup and I don't wanna go have that foreknowledge again lol.

2. I think I believe in fartfart but I call it The Universe? I imagine it as a jolly amorphous blob of stars and it's always egging me on to do things.

3. okay. maybe i'll read my tarot today. maybe!!

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You know, that part about knowing and not knowing and fart fart... there was a philosopher called Heidegger who talked about that part of knowledge that is "nothing", the part science doesn't look at and the part we experience that... you know what? I dunno. That guy is really really hard to understand. But he was very important in philosophy and there are psychologies (can I say psychology lines? It's the direct translation from Portuguese), anyway, psychologies based on what he said, like Gestalt and Phenomenology. If you find a YouTube video of a person who can explain Heidegger like your five years old, it would be really worth it. And post it so I can finally understand what the hell he was about.

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You know what tickled my funny bone the most in this piece? The random insertion of (ibid) at the end of a sentence. At least I THINK it was random. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Of course I'm in the middle of Happy Hour on my front porch which could be relevant.

P.S. FartFart was funny too

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I love tarot! Not as a tool for telling the future (that’s not possible) but for checking in on the energy surrounding a situation, which then gives me something to explore within myself. When I focus on clearing the inner space, it makes way for outer world change. Plus one of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt from my writing is that ‘not knowing’ IS the creative process. There’s no way around it. You sit in the unknown and you sense into what you can write/create/do next with your life. But I’ve also learnt that we know A LOT in every moment. We might not know how everything will turn out but we know enough to take one little step. You’ve got this Alex!

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Hi, Life is hard, partially because of the unknown unknowns and because timing can make such a difference, but that can be part of the unknown unknowns, too.

I have a terrible time “pulling the trigger” on big decisions because I try to think everything through — but sometimes you just have to jump (to mix my metaphors.)

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Hey Alex! I quit the old “full time job” 4 years ago. Before then I had been on a salary for 20 years!!! Crazy, what?! What sage piece of advice can I give you? You can’t force it, is probably the biggest thing I’ve learned. When I get too needy/worried/controlling particularly about money, I move away from my true authentic self. I go all Fagin, rubbing my hands, Gollum yearning for the ring. I’ve been there many times, and I think if it as being a dog chasing after cars. They’ve already left, little dog! They can’t hear you!! What I have learned is that you learn to manage it all better, the anxiety, the budgeting, and you have to trust! Because you no longer have the security of a full time job, which is scary, but you have freedom to truly explore the world.

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Fartfart is a real place. I know cuz I live there. And it’s great being in my own little world cuz everybody knows me.

And yanno, even they don’t have all the answers. I don’t think there is one. You make up your own as you go along and nobody can say it’s right or wrong - it’s the perfect answer for you for that moment in time.

‘Sides Fartfart would hafta change their name to Fartknows and they don’t have enough paint for the sign.

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I get the self-doubt and the Jewish neurosis, and more than anything the fear of not knowing. I write a substack about being able to live in the middle and not look over the hill. I am also a coach and what I witnessed in the whole video (over at @caroline's ) was a powerful coaching session using Tarot. YES, you are the magic, not the cards. What I saw was a cool guy who deep down knows he is a smart funny man, a decent family man, and I also saw a glint in your eye when you considered the possibility of being the best of the fool: brave enough to go for it. Jump in and do what scares you, if you truly believe you can. And I think you believe it, just not knowing is hard. Why not you??

(Thanks for being awesome.)

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wait what? what was the flop? you get good cards on the river?/ all in? im confused where do i watch this ? and count yourself lucky and take it from me "theres no fool like an OLD fool" so relax heh

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I tarot! And this was a blast to read - thanks for sharing it!

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Thank you for the tarot reading and the piece, very interesting! Serious stuff too, I was hooked from the very first card, with you rowing, and your family inside the boat. It’s tough but you are a good husband, father, and provider. It’s true, the cards say so😉 But seriously, I meant what I said about you being a good protector of your family. Congrats on TBDobrenko as well!

Anyway, just want to say GOOD LUCK on the coming decision on whether to get a stable job or continue with Substack. If you decide to get the job, I will still subscribe to your Substack. It doesn’t matter if you post rarely, what I love are your brutally honest yet humorous essays. I don’t want you to feel compelled to write something weekly on top of a full-time job. What is the point of reading something like that? We will be here for you, no matter what you decide to do. You are a good husband and father, and Lauren, Wilder, and TBDobrenko are very fortunate to have you.

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I do tarot, but it's been a looooog time since I've had a reading. I'm stealing the word "sheeple." Stealing. It. Also, Mrs. D is da bomb. #itwasarunbyfruiting.

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Thank you for recording the tarot reading! Your voices are oddly very similar to what I had imagined they'd sound like...? Also, congrats and almost-welcome to TBDobrenko! Also also, I believe Mrs. D stands the test of time. I don't tarot, but I believe in fartfart.

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You know, we don’t know, and now you know, know that we will never know. With certainty, about any single thing, that’s worth our knowing about. Enjoy the journey. And keep on making ours an enjoyable, funny one!

👏✍️💚

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