Wrote this at 4am, might delete later
like "feeling cute, might delete later" but for my soul
I wrote this last night at 4am while on covid. I stand by none of these words but do feel it important to share to give readers a peek into the RAW and UNFILTERED and LARGELY THE SAME AS USUAL ramblings of a man on the edge. Enjoy and for god’s sake, tell your friends.
Before we dive in though: I just signed up for an abortion activism training session on July 17th starting at 11am ET / 8am PT that’s being put on by Abortion Access Front. If you’re like me and feeling hopeless + clueless as to how to actually help, it seems like a great place to start.
it is 4am. I was lonely one hour ago and now I am on the couch sweating. I can't sleep. I opened my laptop to "do some writing" like some sort of psychopath. And worse, after about 15 min I started playing this game Slay The Spire (big ups to Max R for the rec) and GOT MAD AT MYSELF for the fact that I wasn't being productive and using my time better to, I don't know, write more? This is sick. This is unhealthy. This is bad news, bears (I call my readers bears everyone knows this).
What can we do but grab the label maker from the garage and label it, this bad thought that makes me feel like I’m a piece of shit for not Reaching My Full Potential whilst Balls Deep in The Novel CoronaVirus19. By labeling we create distance and with distance we see we are not our thoughts, we are actually something much, much worse (tune in next time to find out what we are!).
Sure, go ahead and say goodbye to the thought but the both of you know its just cya later, or really cya in like 2 seconds omg hi how have you been long time no see.
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Are People Studying The Human Brain?
So, why am I still here, still writing this? Because I think I do like writing. I mean, I do. It feels like playing music or something, it just makes sense, the words dance across my brain and through my fingers and onto the page in this crazy way, effortless. I hate that I just described it that way but not as much as I hate the fact that I hate that I described it that way, so we’re gonna leave it in!
Here's something. At the playground near our house there's this one Russian mother and her cute as shit baby son. They don't speak any English, so we speak in Russian to each other, the language I exclusively spoke until moving to America when I was seven. Its wild how fast so much of my Russian comes back and also how much of it doesn't. How in the heck does the brain do that? Like I'll be struggling to say a sentence in Russian, grasping for a word that I vaguely recall at one point remembering and somehow someway bam, there it is. Outta nowhere, it will just magically appear even though I've not used it or heard it for probably 25 years. While at other points in the conversation I’d be searching for a word and could like see the idea of it in my brain - like the shape and image of the word, not like the letters but the concept - but my brain couldn’t grab it. ALL OF THIS IS NUTS. The brain is crazy people should study it.
I keep meaning to do recommendations in here, so in the next couple posts I'll share some books I read recently, some tv shows I watched I don't know. All of that stuff seems so....blah. Like do you really need to know from me what television programs I saw over the last few months? As a great man once said: “What’s that do for the greater good?”
But maybe people do like that stuff? I like when I read other people's recommendations, so why can't I enter the fray, maybe I’ll even learn How To Save A Life? Maybe because I don't think I'm worthy of it. Worthy of your time and energy to listen to my dumb little thoughts. THIS IS NOT A PASSIVE AGRESSIVE PLEA (pAGROp) TO PRAISE ME please do not I am just sharing how it feels in my brain AND that I am trying to work past it. Or rather as the quote unquote mainstream media therapists say, accept it.
Substack Grow update
Did week one of the Substack Grow program - it was very dope. I met a bunch of cool writers whose work I WILL be recommending without shame in the months to come. During the session we were asked to define our audience. I said that y'all were a bunch of bozos, miscreants, ragamuffins, ne’erdowells, numskull pieces of crap.
No, I didn’t say that (I love more than my own son), but I do think we should bring the word ‘crap’ back. An absolutely devastating burn for the under 10 crowd. If something or someone was a piece of crap? That’s a burn notice.
One realization I DID have about my ‘audience’ is that I want to write for past Alex like from 5 years ago, 10 years ago, etc. There was so much I didn't know about how to become a powerhouse-hold name in Hollywood, a classic multihyphenate, or really anything at all. And I googled a lot but rarely were there great answers. SO if I can share some of my experiences and things I've learned, maybe that’ll help some people and help? help is good.
Dya see what I did up there? I combined powerhouse and household into powerhouse-hold. No one else in this industry is doing this. Or any other industry, for that matter.
Ok I'm getting a little sleepy so I am going to retire back to that which sweet dreams are made of, who am I to disagree, etc, swallowed the world and the seven seas WAIT YOU DID WHAT? Bud you cannot do that its too much you'll have an upset stummy.
Good night and good luck, dear bears of both are true,
Sasha aka Alex