why isn't there an A24 for kids?
my toddler has terrible taste and I've had enough
Parenting is all about compromises. The literal tit for the proverbial tat.
We let our toddler watch a lot of TV.
Couldn’t he, in return, idk, watch shows that don’t suck?
Parents I’ve talked with fall into one of two camps on this issue:
Most seem helpless before this fact, offering a collective "what can ya do?" shrug all the way to Adventure Bay, while the rest are "let them have their fun" apologists who, without words, chide me for even suggesting that the show is a pro capitalist fever dream in which dogs are responsible for the essential services of the town with nary a peep of airtime given to discussing pay, time off, labor laws, etc.
But I distress.
"Just show him better stuff"
I try.
Just the other night, I pulled up the Three Stooges on YouTube for our 3yo son Wilder.
Physical comedy legends. “NO” he screamed, and back to “Pupstruction” we went.
“No, I mean better shows for kids”
Oh you mean Bluey? That dog and her family are dead to me after the - and I cannot believe I have to do this for a toddler show but - “spoiler alert” - bullshit they pulled in the series finale. "An episode about the difficulties of moving" great, let's watch it with our kid since we are, indeed, moving.
And what's this....THEY FUCKING DECIDE NOT TO MOVE AT THE LAST MINUTE??????? how the hell do I explain that to my child? We can't just 'buy back' the house because we didn't own it you disney shits.
“Hey, it could be worse”
God forbid we descend into the true despair of rabid, generally soviet, youtube videos of cars rolling down ramps into ball pits. That stuff is the Alex Jones gateway drug of kids entertainment. Play a single one one autoplay hour later, you’re in an unfinished basement watching clowns teach calculus to vegetables.
Yes, it could be worse, sure, but could it be better?
Where is the A24 of children's entertainment?
Miyazaki? Sure, but there’s more to life than sexy food and cute monsters!
Where is the raw unflinching approach to emotional storytelling? The gritty stuff, the indie stuff, Criterion Collection-worthy stuff.
Nowhere, that's where, and that's a big problem, especially given how little care and attention is given to the concept of ‘zero’ and ‘non existence’ in children’s entertainment. Zero isn’t a number, my kid tells me. Maybe, but also maybe not (shallow) and maybe not (deep).
If I had my druthers, I’d launch my own children's studio…A2to4 (pronounced A two-to-four) and make gritty, dark, truly independent children's programming.
No, I AM launching it. Right here. Right now.
Of course I need funding and am seeking, per my lawyer (chatgpt), “immediate equity investment with no repayment obligations, as is standard practice in motion picture financing.”
A2-4 Studios: A Pitch
This isn't Pixar. They make interesting movies, Oscar winners, but come on.
UP is only sad for adults because we as kids never saw something like DOWN, which A2-4 will release next year, about an old man who befriends a dog only to realize the dog lives inside his mind and that he's been in an old person's home this entire time, free-falling into the depths of dementia.
Does that offend you? Good! Welcome to A2-4. We do not flinch!
Our television slate
MELANCOCO (TV-Y) - Dir. David Lynch
A family performs daily routines in an all-too-quiet suburb that’s somehow much too loud. Young JJ and his mother smile without blinking, their massive CGI eyes reflecting horrors they cannot name. Long, unbroken shots follow simple activities: brushing teeth, stacking blocks, watching a swing move in an empty playground. Sometimes an ice cream truck plays music from very far away. The nursery rhymes are slowed down until they sound like whale songs. Nothing bad happens, and so nothing is good.
THRASH N’ TRASH PRODUCTIONS
In our first acquisition, we’d buy outright the team at Thrash N’ Trash Productions, who are putting out hour long cinema verite docs about trash trucks across the world.
OLD ENOUGH! (dir Junji Ōuchi)
No changes necessary to this batshit insane Kafkaesque show where three year olds must perform menial tasks before time runs out.
Our film slate
MILK TIME (dir. Paul Thomas Andersen)
A sprawling California epic about interconnected stories in a preschool, featuring tracking shots through nap time and an intense confrontation over spilled juice.
Daniel Day-Lewis comes out of retirement in a pitch-perfect performance as Billy, a 3 year old with a secret.
SYNECDOCHE, NEIGHBORHOOD (dir. Charlie Kaufman)
Daniel Tiger sees himself in an episode of the original Mr. Rogers show, leading to an existential crisis about the nature of inherited trauma and puppet consciousness.
THE BABY SHARK (dir. Terrence Malick)
A three-hour tone poem exploring the birth and first hours of a tiny baby shark (voiced by Idris Elba).
Buster Keaton saves the day
Two nights ago, after a night of playing “Wilder looks at me with binoculars and I chase him around the house taking them away from him only to then place them down and look away or take a nap so he can grab them and look at me again,” we settle into the couch.
I say, “Hey can I show you something” and he says yes. I try the Stooges again but my god they are violent. So much anger. I get it, I do, but Wilder doesn’t.
We try Charlie Chaplin but the footage is too grainy, though the opening shot perfectly sums up my mental state.
We settle on Buster Keaton’s “One Week.”
There’s a newlywed Keaton with his bride and, what’s this? A box with…their house in it?
I narrate all this for Wilder and he joins in:
“He’s building it himself??” I say.
“what the heck?!” Wilder says.
“The door is on the second floor??”
“what the heck??”
“The bathroom is on the outside of the house??”
“what the HECK?!”
Then he cuddles up real close into me, his green blanket covering us both, his body trying to make as much contact with my body as possible, his foot scanning my leg for the right place to land. Thigh? Calf? Foot?
The film crescendos as a rainstorm spins the house around and around like a merry-go-round. Keaton and his bride sit on a little box, classic scamps, waiting out the storm till morning.
Wilder and I watched the whole thing that night and twice a day since. “Can we watch the silly one with the guy building his house and kissing the girl a lot,” he asks.
We watch again as if for the first time, two little scamps under one little blanket.
After every little fuckup, Keaton kisses his bride. They really love each other, I tell Wilder, and I think he understands.
Comments
Do you wanna fund A2-4?
Got ideas for good movies, shows, etc for A2-4? Plz pitch.
Parents, what awful shows do your kids watch? Is there good stuff y’all watch together?
Non-parents - are you watching anything good? We are rewatching Severance in prep for the new season and holy wow that first season is so good.
What else?
Fund Both Are True
Not ready to commit $10 million USD bucks to A2-4? How about a monthly or yearly investment in Both Are True? It’d mean a lot:
holy fuck did you see david lynch just passed away :(
I’d like to see my A2-4 pledge of $0.77, a half-eaten bag of Veggie Straws, and these two Lego blocks that I just stepped on, go toward a gritty re-telling of Paw Patrol. A version written and directed by Christopher Nolan where we explore Ryder’s painful past, witness the devastating family trauma he overcame to become (what Dax Shepard refers to as) “an emancipated teenager”, and learn how he built his inexplicable techno-empire. Is it a futuristic scenario where all of the pups are frighteningly advanced robots from Boston Dynamics? Is Adventure Bay really just the result of nuclear Terra-forming on Mars? And will this movie make history using groundbreaking new technology to reanimate the corpse of Philip Seymour Hoffman in order to play the role of Mayor Humdinger?