It has begun.
The new season started last Thursday with one of those plot twists that was both shocking and, in retrospect, was obviously going to happen.
The way that Biden shit the bed at that debate was nothing short of Ned Stark getting killed in Game of Thrones Season One or the Red Wedding in S3 (no I refuse to do spoiler alerts what are you a child?)
Now we’re all hooked watching the final (surprise) season of USA.
Cuz we thought last season was the last, remember? Biden beats Trump, Trump storms the capitol, cut to black like The Sopranos thought they were doing with that restaurant schtick - ambiguity par excellence - will the country last or won’t it? That, dear viewer, is up to you.
But then that COVID shit hit. Outta nowhere this little one-off special 90 min made for TV movie became a four season juggernaut that quite literally killed over a million people. Sorry but that’s what happened don’t kill the messenger too!
COVID was less a tv show and more an interactive escape room experience and not one of the easy ones neither, this shit was hard. It lasted so long we forgot how time worked and then finally as it eased up and the end seemed near, bam outta nowhere here comes Trump to challenge Biden for 2024.
Things are weird. I sometimes forget if Biden or Trump is president now, like it doesn’t really matter, like they are both president, like there is no president and we’re all watching this Mad Max Fury Road style death spiral here in the War Hog of a country driven most certainly by Furiousa headed either to the green place or Valhalla. Immortan Joe, that’s the bad guy in Fury Road - coincidence? If you’re an idiot, maybe.
After The Debate, the next episode of USA starts with Biden doing a pretty bad but not super bad job at that interview which, dramatically speaking? Chef’s mwah.
That interview, btw, done by w George Stefanapolis who viewers may remember from The Clinton Years, itself an eight season juggernaut that really paved the way to what we’re watching now with the whole ‘is there jism on that woman’s dress or isn’t there’ plot line that, in retrospect, looks both extra awful and also quaint?
Will he stay in or won’t he? Will Kamala run in his stead or will we go to a convention? Are there two wars happening around the world right now or three?
Will the Democratic Party destroy itself from within or can they stop the Joffrey-Night King hybrid, Donald J Trump, from destroying Westeros once and for all.
I don’t know but I gotta find out, so I tune in and I read the headlines and I fart around waiting for the end of the world.
No spoiler alerts, for we’re already spoiled, the people of this country, myself included. I have a relatively unique vantage point though - I moved to America from Ukraine in 1994. My parents were there too, and they tell me stories about how awful life was back there. About how nothing worked, and how we couldn’t tell anyone we were Jewish, about how life was a struggle.
I hear them, but I can’t grasp fully what they mean. That was the gift they gave me - the gift of not being able to understand them. Of never knowing what it was like to live in an apartment with four other families with one kitchen and one bathroom and one lady who kept stealing everyone’s socks.
We take it for granted because of course we do - how could we not? Actually though, how can we not? We gotta figure that out because otherwise it’s bye bye ms. American pie drove the chevy to the levy but the levy was fascist.
No spoiler alerts, for we are already spoiled like milk that’s gone sour, past our due date; wasted, we are waste, and the trash man’s coming. Run the credits.
USA
Exec Producer…….George Washington
Exec Producer…….Lin-Manuel Miranda
SAG-Aftra Production
Shot entirely in Iceland except for the scenes in Iceland which were shot in New Mexico
But wait what’s this?
Stop the credits. I googled if you could do anything with spoiled milk hoping for dear life you could cuz idk how else to end this essay and guess what - you can!
Spoiled milk is fermented milk. The bacteria of America has eaten our sweetness and now we are lactic acid which also goes by the much more appealing name of ‘buttermilk.’ We’re buttermilk!
According to google you can use spoiled milk to replace buttermilk or sour cream in making muffins and cakes. You can tenderize meat with it, or add it to salad dressings. You can put it in cosmetics! And of course you can make cheese with it.
Now idk about you but there ain’t much that says America like baked goods, meat, salad dressings, cosmetics, and cheese!
So what’s that say about how the season ends? Here’s my theory: Biden drops out and, in doing so, finally unites the country. Left, right and center, we all agree on one thing - Biden’s too old. Finally, united as one, we vote for whoever runs against Trump and save the republic.
Or maybe we don’t. Either way, I don’t wanna watch it all like I watch The Sopranos even though the quality of the writing is basically the same. The TVs and headlines make us passive consumers of our own lives and that ain’t it. We’re buttermilk - fermented and acidic and stinky but alive nonetheless. America!
No spoiler alert but do you remember how GoT ends? I didn’t, so I looked it up and I still don’t really get it? Jon Snow turned out to be his own father and as father-son, he married his sister-daughter Daneyrus the dragon whisperer who, herself, it turns out was bad news bears. That’s what the writers decided was best.
And guess what, buttermilk babies, we are the writers of USA. Sure, the writer’s room is huge and it’s difficult to move quickly when Wisconsin keeps pitching alts that each directly contradict each other but still - we’re the writers, so let’s not be wrong.
if you say annoying shit in the comments i’ll delete it
from one buttermilk baby to another this was 🔥
the red wedding fucked me up for REAL. if we can bring back jon snowden can't we bring back KING ROBB?!?!?!