Meet Our Paid Subscribers

very real bios and photos for all patrons of the BAT

Feb 28, 2023

Steve W.

In 1957, Steve W invented the bicycle. He was looking out at  all the cars at his father’s car store. All the cars were facing sorta perpendicular to him so he could only see one side of them and he had just woken up (he and the family lived in a frankly nice house on the top floor of the car store), so he was a little woozy and said ‘hey now what the heck what if a car just had two wheels?’ 

That was when he invented the motorcycle. But just a few minutes after that, once he’d gotten off the phone with his man in Wisconsin, Harley D., he thought to himself - well now what if these thunder thighs of mine could power that motorcycle. And there it was: the bicycle. He invented it that day and rode it around the world that night. He was back for supper. Steve is a welder in Idaho. 

Sari A.

Sari is a brilliant mathematician who revolutionized the field of arithmetic in 2013 with her groundbreaking discovery that 2+2 equals 4. Before her, everyone thought it equaled 22 and based their calculations on this false assumption.

Sari’s insight came from a simple observation: when she had two apples and someone gave her two more apples, she had four apples in total, not twenty-two. Though the science community tried to silence her and put her in jail, she confused them all by talking about tutus and they weren’t sure what to do, especially when she published her findings in a paper titled “The Truth About Two Plus Two” which caused a sensation in the mathematical community and beyond. Sari has received numerous awards and honors for her work, including the Fields Medal, the Nobel Prize in Mathematics, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

She is currently working on proving that 3+3 equals 6 and not 33, though she admits such a discovery will most likely not happen in her lifetime. 

Julia 

When Julia was 35 and bored, she started telling everyone she had a twin sister named Julie. She bought a wig, changed her clothes, and adopted a different personality. She told everyone that Julie would come and meet them but she had to run to the bathroom for a bit. And so she’d run off and come back as Julie. It was so obvious that she was faking it but her friends were worried about her mental health so they let her keep doing it. 

Eventually everyone sort of forgot that she was also Julie because she was a great actress, and Julie and Julia both led lives of intrigue and joy. They were each other’s maid of honor, which was weird because one of them always had to be in the bathroom, but again - no one minded. This is a story about friendship. Julia and her sister Julie live in Ohio. Julie practices law, Julia is an actual lawyer. They are twin sisters.

Feb 23 2023

Deb S:

Everyone knows that Deb is short for debutante, a word that for some reason means ‘young woman ready to make her debut in society,’ which isn’t weird at all! Debutantes are ‘debuted’ at a big debutante ball, which as far as I can tell is a Groupon style Bat Mitzvah where a lot of women are all celebrated at once. Men have one too - beautillion ball - which sounds more like a hipster style of matzah ball.

Even though her Wikipedia page says otherwise, Deb S. had nothing to do with the debutante ball thing. Sure Deb S. created the word debutante back in her wild days in 1700s France, but her version was actually the earliest known instance of a comedy roast - a deb-u-taunt. People would gather from all over the world and highly esteemed comedians plus some who just don’t have other stuff to do would come up on stage and all say some funny and a little mean but ultimately loving things about Deb. “Now this is a deb-u-taunt ball!” Deb S. once screamed. Someone misheard her and well, the rest is history. Deb lives in Idaho with her five cats and one husband. She is a welder.

Arthur P.

Not much is known about Arthur besides the six volume biography he wrote about himself and released back in 2003. Of course, everyone told him that if he wrote it, it was an autobiography, but Arthur screamed, “there’s nothing automatic about this! I worked my ass off on this thing for the last 25 years.”

And it was true. It was his life’s work to write about his life’s work, which got a bit hairy, like when two people standing next to one another are talking to each other on speaker phone and you get all that static. That’s what Arthur’s biography feels like: a whole mess of static.

Much to the chagrin of the New York Book Literati and Illiterati both, Arthur’s biography, I Wrote This About Me Writing This, went on to be a best selling novel on Amazon in the “biography that is actually an autobiography” section with a sum total of five sales. Arthur P. lives in Maine with his wife and three kids. He is an author.

Anya L.

Anya is a free spirit, a wanderer who is not lost. She once walked for so long she said “ah dang it I need a break.” Anya is in no way affiliated with the “I can’t believe it’s not a parody” company Anya that looks to sell things like nipple balms and body butter for new moms as if they came from Sephora.

The company’s website - thisisanya.com was originally owned by Anya L. until Anya the company paid her five million bucks for it. They will go out of business soon, for sure.

Anya L. on the other hand, will live forever. Anya L. has a cat who will move mountains one day. Because of a recent windfall of 5 million cold buckaroos, Anya is tri-coastal. She, too, is a welder.

Feb 17 2023

Rae K, who many think invented Reiki healing, which is wrong. It was created in ancient Tibetan Buddhism. But Rae is so nice and doesn’t want people to be hurt that she corrected them, so she just sorta says ‘yea it was me’ whenever someone says ‘hey did you invent Reiki??’ It’s gotten Rae in a lot of hot water, recently, because she’s so stressed she uses a sauna (the wet kind not the dry kind, hence the hot water). Rae is a welder in Cleveland. 

Mary Lou, who radiates such a presence of heavenly joy AND devilish charm that every single band who ever met her went on to write a song about her: 

Each person asked for her hand in marriage, but she said no, and so the bands had to say ‘goodbye mary lou.’ Mary Lou is an architect in Barcelona, which is in Spain. 

Vadim D., who is not under any circumstances my dad. He’s a Russian spy, ex-KGB ex-CIA ex-XFL football linebacker, sure, but he is not my dad because why would my dad subscribe for Both Are True when he already subscribed back when I first launched it? Perhaps it is because he loves his son very much and wanted to help boost his son’s numbers by throwing in an extra subscription for which I would be grateful if Vadim D was my dad but he is not. Vadim is a butcher now in Barcelona, which is in Spain. He also wrote a song about Mary Lou titled Privet, Mary Lou.