i've weaseled my way into a business camp for newsletter writers

what could go wrong????

I've spent most of my life wondering whether girls liked me.

Specific ones with names like Cassie and Katie, and also girls in general:

• will any girl ever like me? want to kiss me, etc.

Back in elementary school, when I was fat and short and not yet aware how much rejection would hurt my sensitive soul, I'd ask girls "out" regularly.

I'd tell them I liked them as more than a friend and hoped with real hope that they'd say they liked me more too.

They did not. They valued the friendship which, don’t get me wrong, I did too. But wasn’t it on the basis of that very friendship that something more might come about? Cassie??

It'd happen all the time back at my jewish day camp, Camp Grossman, where I played indoor games and sold baseball and magic cards on the beach. How that trifecta didn’t ingratiate me to women befuddled me then as it does now.

But eventually a girl did like me. Several, though not ever at the same time. I settled down and married one and now everything is great, yes?

No.

Now, my fears have expanded. Now, I need everyone to love me.

And soon, I shall return to camp: Audience Camp, a "3-day lakeside retreat in Asheville, NC, designed for 6 & 7-figure audience-first businesses that want to scale faster."

Will I find love there? Or find what I needed all along - the strength to not hate myself so much because of how others felt about me?

Here's the story of how I weaseled my way into the event for free by promising to write this essay, what I’m nervous about, and why - ADVERTISEMENT INCOMING - I think you might wanna come maybe idk???

(use code ALEX25 to get a whopping 25% off!!)

how it happened

There's one fella I follow on LinkedIn named Matt McGarry.

Matt’s whole thing is helping people with newsletters make real money. Here's his company Growletter's tagline: "We help clients build entire marketing funnels, comprehensive ad campaigns that drive ROAS, email marketing, innovate on strategy, and more."

ROAS? Maybe a little dinner first and then we can talk about my ROAS???? But I DIGRESSAS. (alex plz delete this they will not go thru with the free ticket if you leave this dumb shit in).

Matt had just posted about the event and there, on the website, I saw my friend Tarzan Kay was gonna be a facilitator there, so I tell her hey I live here now let's hang and she says of course and now I'm excited but also fomo-sad because this audience camp thing seems cool?

And it's made much more cool by the fact that they don't seem interested in me at all (the corollary to I don't want to be part of any club that'd have me as a member is that I'd love to be part of any club that won't have me).

So I thought, maybe I can pitch the conference and offer...something? And get a free ticket? Classic capitalism!

Trying couldn't hurt. So I tried.

I reached out to Tarzan and she says sure, lemme connect you to the dude running the event named Ahrif. We talked on a zoom and hit it off. The guy was a pro and very cool and genuine and I thought ‘ok shit this is gonna be a cool event maybe.’

He offered me 25% off a ticket, which was awesome but way out of this little guy's price range.

Being a hardcore negotiator, I said ok that’s awesome but is there something we could do where I’d help promo the event in exchange for a ticket?

It was a long shot but Ahrif said yes! Well no, he said ‘send me your rates.’

So I crunched some numbers and sent em over and we had ourselves a deal.

And now I’m going, and now i’m nervous

What am I nervous about? Everything, a big tent that includes:

Is this thing gonna be cool? Am I gonna be able to hang with all these big money newsletter people? Will they like me? Will they think i'm an idiot? OR will they think that I am the real deal bee's knees and want to 'collab'.

What would a collab even look like? Do I need to know that before I get there? Is the whole thing lame now that they decided they want me there? Do I need to get clear on my 'offering' as if I am a cult and my writing is a goat that I am going to sacrifice on the altar? Is it altar or alter? It's definitely altar though alter feels more appropriate. Does anyone like this sort of rambling writing and if so, will any of those people be at the event? Should I have a good joke to open with when I meet people like when they ask, "so what do you write about," should I say, "i dont know but it sure never feels WRITE to me."

And then they'd laugh painfully and I'd go, "no i'm only messing around of course, shall we get some hot java and talk big business?"

Maybe I'll just call coffee "hot java" the whole time. That way everyone will remember me as the 'hot java' guy. Maybe I make business cards that say HOT JAVA on them and then in really small letters on the bottom i put "smooth, bold writing as strong as your morning joe coffee cup!"

Or maybe I tell everyone about the time, like 8 years ago, i made actual business cards for Alex Dobrenko, Bar Mitzvah DJ. Why did I do that? I must have thought it was funny? Like I handed these out at big hollywood meetings and entertainment events.

(I spent an hour trying to find a picture of these cards but i can’t i am sorry)

It did not, I think, do me any favors.

OR maybe it did me the only favor that matters: kept weird people away so I could stay weird in my own little way, safe from the vultures and goblins who roam the hollywood hills.

here's another worry!!

What if I get there and everyone is actually really nice and awesome? And they help me make more money with all this newsletter stuff? Will that make me a sell out loser? Am I afraid of taking the steps to succeed because it might mean admitting that I am a try-hard not very bob dylan sort of guy?

that guy wrote dust in the wind. no, he wrote blowin' in the wind. kansas wrote dust in the wind and that’s an entire state!

a confession

Looking through the list i'm like ugh these are not “the cool artists” I wanna hang out with

YEA NO SHIT ALEX THESE ARE BUSINESS PEOPLE WHO CAN TEACH YOU SOME SHIT MAYBE

also who the hell are you to think that you know already who is cool and who isn't?

I don’t know jack from jill. i know nothing.

I'm rambling which is exactly what I'll be doing at this conference!! I do think there's a lot to learn, and maybe there's a lot I can teach people too about how to write honestly and personally? How to do comedy stuff? How to lead with your little heart instead of a bucket that says PAY ME MUFU??

And I am god damn sure everyone there has SO much to teach me. Like how to make money. How to get more "figures" in my figures-count. Nine figures? Ten figures? What I gotta do a figure drawing class now COME ON.

Anyways, that's it.

I'm going - it’ll probably be weird and fun and, no matter what, I promise to write about it afterwards!!

If you all have ideas for how I can close a big whale there, let me know. Otherwise I will dust off the ol' barmitzvah cards.

NOW FOR THE SELL

Alright, time for me to put on my business pants and tell you why you should definitely maybe idk come to this thing:

1. to see what an idiot i am

2. because maybe it'll be cool actually

3. because maybe if i can shut up and get out of my own way enough, I could actually enjoy this

4. HOT JAVA

If you have the means and the tolerance for weirdness, come hang out. We can figure out this newsletter business together - or at least commiserate about how hard it is to make money while staying weird.

There are only a few spots left (classic scarcity marketing, but apparently true), and if you use the code ALEX25 when you check out, you'll get 25% off your ticket.