i still refuse to talk to you w those stupid ass ski goggles on your face

take them off not like up on your forehead all the way off throw them on the ground and let's stomp on them and then, then!, we can chit chat

apple pro vision pro goggle faces are out on pre-order today! Before you spend *checks notes* $3500 bones aka the cost of at least 5 fridges, please read this researched, reserved and unbiased take I wrote when they were first announced.

---

How do I feel about Apple’s brand spanking new Vision Pro starting at $3499?

I’m conflicted. 

Part of me hates it, while another, perhaps younger, more tender part thinks its really fucking stupid. 

Both, in fact, can be true. 

You know what else costs 3499? This van:

For just $1 more, you could own a vehicle that, and I quote, “Runs good, got check engine lights on but drives good.”

That’s poetry. That’s truth. That’s 10 words, two of which are ‘good.’

Meanwhile, Apple released a nine minute ‘wow lookie’ video touting their high-end welding masks. And yes it's insane and amazing and great. It’s got gadgets and gizmos galore, sure, and yes its, as Today in Tabs’ Rusty Foster put perfectly, “the most technologically advanced product ever created for viewing and annotating PDF documents.”

The thing is, they almost got us. ALMOST. But like they say, every Achilles has his heel.

The video almost convinced me that this was the future and it would be insanely cool and unstoppable and even though no one would really like it and we’d all be sad about it, there’d really be no other choice because look at how big you can make a bunch of screens and have spreadsheets on each one.

We’d all be Tom Cruise in Minority Report but without any murders to solve, fingering our way through the air until they announce that death need not be feared anymore, all you’d have to do is use the Pee and Poo Pro to do all ur pee and poo stuff and you’d live forever. 

Almost. But they fucked up on one little part, juuuust enough to reveal that the whole thing is psycho and that they at Apple R Us fundamentally misunderstand what, idk, being human is? 

Let’s do a lil play by play:

We start with a woman named Melanie on a weird couch wearing a Handmaid’s Tale x Coachella outfit. She’s sitting, fingering the air wearing something like Google Glass except it covers her entire face. Forget about the Victorian era — someone from 2019 would have a heart attack seizure after seeing this woman.

Melanie sits watching a video of someone enjoying their real life without night vision goggles on and, what the fuck is this - ugh, it’s Melanie’s roommate and former best friend Luna.

Melanie whispers “iLasers, destroy,” and watches as Luna is destroyed by the sleekest, rounded-edge lasers anyone’s ever seen. Except that’s only what Melanie sees inside her $3500 eye mask. 

Meanwhile, in Reality, Luna interrupts Melanie’s brain bath and says, for the fifth time this week.“Hey Melanie you haven’t, um, paid rent this month,”

“Oh silly little gooseface, we don’t pay rent in VisionLife! Unless you’re talking about Apple’s totally reasonable VisionHome $450 / month fee hahehahelp.”

This next one is the cream of the cream — though in real life Luna is scream-crying ‘please do the dishes just because you “did” them in your goggles doesn’t mean they’re actually done', we see what Melanie thinks she is seeing in the aquarium on her face — a happy and totally chill Luna.

While I cannot confirm the truth of that last statement, this next part is very real. When Luna comes close, Melanie’s glasses un-tint to reveal her eyes.

AHHH that is scary as shit what are you doing??

No! I will not fucking speak to you with that on. I can’t handle when people look at their phone when we’re talking (even though I do it all the time too I know I know), how the hell am I gonna believe you when you say ‘yea I’m listening’ but you’re actually watching a 100 foot screen of Animal Planet bears wrestling each other NO.

Know what they called this feature?

EyeSight.

Ya know, that thing that most of us have already?

I forget, what’s it called when someone takes away a basic need from you and then tricks you into loving them by giving it back to you? Oh right, that’s a classic Stockholm Syndrome, bitch! Apple has blindfolded you with the promise of being able to DO MORE WORK WITH MORE SCREENS and then, the nice captor that it is, it’ll reveal your little eyeballs to anyone nearby.

But hey come on don’t worry I’m sure Apple knows what they’re doing let’s hear how they explain this feature.

“Your eyes are a critical indicator of connection and emotion,” Apple said. “So Vision Pro displays your eyes when someone is nearby.”

WHAT THE GOD DAMN HECK??? There is no less human way to say ‘eye contact is clutch’ than (read in robot voice) ‘your eyes are a critical indicator of connection and emotion.’

Maybe you could, idk, have the woman TAKE OFF HER DUMB VISIONQUEST and talk to the person in front of her. No, that’s stupid, because “staying on task is a critical indicator of longterm happyiness’

And finally, in this last video, Luna tells Melanie that she needs to move out but for real this time it doesn’t count if you move into a new house in your high school science lab goggles, this world the real world our world. 

But Melanie is too far gone. She just laughs and says, “You silly rabbit!” because in her Vision PRO Luna is now a rabbit. 

Seriously look at the deranged mania in that final laugh? That’s sick. I am sick. We are sick.

---

Call me old fashioned, but I think that a good baseline for dumb future tech should be that it doesn’t make something we already do worse. Like, if Apple came out with a Arm Grill that strapped onto your arm and would grill up meats and veggies but would mean you could no longer use your fingers for anything, I think we’d be like ehhh Idk about the Grill Hand thing.

“But don’t worry,” Apple would say, “you can still do a thumbs up in a sideways direction and the GrillPro voice will tell those nearby that you did a big thumbs up.”

The analogy is flawless shut up.

AI is dumb and this is dumb too. It’s all dumb. Stop trying to invent new stuff why can’t everyone just take a few years off we have too much good stuff. It’s like streaming shows and pens – there are too many, like we have more than enough for everyone to have some, so let’s just hit pause and distribute the existing technology, streaming shows, and pens amongst ourselves.

Or, idk, maybe we could just look at each other with our real eyeballs? And when we want to go do stuff, we just go do that stuff? 

I just went ahead and bought that 2005 Astro Van which can drive me across the country AND also I can stare through its windshield at people and say hiya check out my cool new EyeSight Pro ! It lets me do lookie lookies AND it drives good too.

Ok here’s a pitch. You know VR - it’s virtual reality its crazy you can put the headset on and just see all sorts of stuff. Imagine that, but without the goggles. Introducing…reality.

And trust me, I know reality sucks too. Neither option is great, but in Reality, you at least won’t look like a fucking idiot.

—

I woke up at 445am to write this. That’s not a flex its a cry for help and also a subtle way to ask - keeping BAT alive is crazy and hard and I love it, so if you dug this piece or hated it and feel bad for me, consider becoming subscriber because I have to buy gas too!

---

Comments

1. Are you steamed about these glasses or do i need to relax?

2. What was the last or best time something was pitched as ‘gonna change the world’?

3. Are we gonna be okay?

4. How do you thnk about tech and advancement and all that stupid stuff?

5. Whats a great memory you have that involves no technology?