I always (always!) tell people to write like they’re texting a best friend who loves them

And now I can basically do just that cuz Substack lets me write posts from my phone.

This is profoundly uninteresting stuff to basically everyone in the world who reads both are true besides the writers who read BAT who are, themselves, legion.

I gotta figure out how to use legion right. I hear ppl say “we are legion” and I’m like damn ok they are…gladiators? But can I describe a flock of geese as legion? The good people of America are in fact legion.

makes me think of lesion like a big cut. Or a lesson like something you learn after being naughty.

Imagine if Joan Didion wrote an essay titled “lookie I can write to you all using a teeny typewriter rather than the huge one I normally use!!” That’s what writing about this new way of posting on my phone feels like.

Honestly that’d be dope bc anything JD writes is the greatest which is why she’s the GOAT.

GOAT stands for greatest of all time, like Michael Jordan or the premise of “Now that’s what I call Music” series of music on CD-ROM. Here’s the track list of what Music Is:

And honestly, buncha bangers there. Not a bad grape in the bunch. And they are all without a doubt, “music.” Big ups to the fact checkers over there I bet the first draft of selections had “avocado sandwich” on there and one guy Larry who has worked there a while, keeps to himself, loves drinking two Corona Lights on his apartments front patio which is just the sidewalk, he probably yelled “WAIT” and everyone was like “what’s up Larry you ok” bc that was super out of character for Larry so they thought maybe he was having a stroke or realized he was about to stroke out but he stood calmly and said - “track 19 avocado sandwich - that’s not music” and everyone looked at him, shocked, mouths slackjawed like holy shit we were about to publish this cd with avocado sandwich as the 19th track also there’s no 18th track it woulda been a double error the likes from which no one in this industry can ever recover.

But that never happened all thanks to Larry.

There are now 90 volumes of USA based Now That’s What I call Music with vol 91 slated for a q3 2024 release. At this point it feels less of an “these are the GOATs” and more like a “these are all the goats” literal record of all things music.

Which is sorta what this post feels like. Masturbatory comes to mind, but I’ll let the critics at the Substack Sentinel Sunday edition be the judge of that.

I would never dare text this all to a friend unless I wanted to end the friendship but was too chicken shit to do so.

Lemme try then to actually write this like I’d text a friend:

Hey dude how are you I miss you!! We are long overdue for phone call this weekend maybe?? I’m trying to do a new thing “5 minute calls” where I call someone and say right away “don’t worry this is a 5 min call a quick chat and then we hang up ok so no stress.” It worked really well the three days I did it while mini manic. Haven’t been able to do it since tho lol anyway wanna try it?? 5 min calls

I wouldn’t text more than that it’d be crazy but say they eventually asked how i was or what’s new id say

Classic stuff being a dad im with Emma June right now and she’s started growling like this deep guttural evil growl that feels like it’s the devil trying to burst out of her but besides that she’s amazing. Wilder is gaining strength and confidence in his plans to destroy our family unless we let him watch Paw Patrol all day. I don’t even care about tv anymore but that show sorta sucks I wish he’d watch better stuff like Forrest Gump or Ken Burns documentary on country music.

See I did it again (oops) - I wouldn’ta sent that last bit to a friend would I? No i think I would if it was my real homies who loved me and let me be strange idiot. I would.

anyways I gotta go the Devil June needs her air crackers or she will force me into a Faustian bargain.

I am v much writing some “big boys” ( the official term for Pulitzer essays) which I will publish soon. till then here’s one of the last texts I sent for real