hello anxiety, my old friend

you've come to talk with me again

I very purposely want to write this before this issue gets resolved because once it gets resolved (and I'm fairly sure it will (though you can't really be sure (I mean who knows it could go really badly (in fact it could be the thing that destroys my entire life)))), it will provide a resolution — either everything was fine or everything was not fine — and the entire point here is for me to be okay with the not knowing how its gonna end.

The details of this particular anxiety spiral are as follows:

I sent an email.

No response.

I sent another email.

Still no response.

I followed up yet again.

Still no response THOUGH I have it on good record that the last message was definitely seen.

It's been only a few minutes since that last message and as I said before I am sure everything is fine.

Though of course it may not be.

Worth noting

In the intermediate hours and days, long, long days between the second and third message I received word from this person ON A SEPARATE THREAD.

Some would think that would assuage my fears, but we all know what happens when you assuage - you make an ass out of u and age, the latterest of which is, in my case, 37 god damn adults years old, yet here I am, having a full blown anxiety…attack?

Attack feels like the wrong word. It's more of a melee, a skirmish, a whatever its called when you run into a fight but your eyes are closed and you're wincing and your hands are kind of just flopping around and you're screaming things. That's kind of more what it feels like. It's that rather than an anxiety attack which sounds aggressive and male. It’s more an anxiety tap on the shoulder followed by a ‘sorry are you busy right now all good if so!’

Anyways the point is that I want to write all this out before I hear back because this is still live, it's still hot. It’s a live one, as we say in the concert space.

I want to stress that I am not going to ever tell you whether or not the person responds.

Because that is not important. What's important is that I realize that everything is actually fine.

Unless it isn’t.

But it probably is.

Most likely it is fine though, again, maybe not.

Maybe this is very much not fine and I have to move and change my identity and apply to the witness protection program and probably get rejected because there's got to be a bar or threshold that you have to reach in order to get access to that service.

So I'd have to just kind of do it DIY (do it do it yourself) or maybe Google "DIY witness protection" and set up my own little fake identity which would probably not go great but not go terribly and then I'd think, ‘maybe I could make a business with this. What with AI and everything I'm sure I could make a business.’

My DIY Witness Protection Program (Cheap)

I'd start a business about it and that wouldn't go great but it wouldn't go terribly and then there'd be a possibility of getting acquired by Google and I'd send an email but then they wouldn't respond and I would send another one and then they wouldn't respond and then I would send a third and we'd be right the fuck back here wouldn't we because wherever you go, there you are anxious.

Wherever you go, there you are anxious

I do feel less anxious now.

I already shared an abridged version of this story with a friend who I often vent to about these sorts of things.

I have not heard back from that friend which makes me think that I am double fucked and that the whole world is currently in a meeting on Zoom and they’re all having fun (wow how big of a plan must you have to let 7 billion ppl in one zoom, imagine having to moderate that chat room!) about me and they're all having a great time.

I just hope somebody pitches my indie identity witness protection program because man we need the clients. With AI this business has to succeed it just has to.

I'm not sure why this happens.

All of this is to say I'm fine, I'm good actually why do you ask?

Regardless of how this goes, I’m fine.

I actually do, in some small corner of the basement of my self, believe that.

Obviously I'll be fine. On my deathbed — here we go with the ‘on my deathbed’ thing — somebody will go "well, are you still worried about the email thing?” and I’ll scream ‘who the fuck invited this guy to my deathbed party??”

Actually I am sure that I won’t be thinking about this in a year, nor a month, not even a week.

Not because I’ll get over it, but because there will be new things to be anxious about - what a gift! A joy! The anxieties of today, replaced by the anxieties of tomorrow.

And from them, too, freedom, either because of even more anxieties or maybe just the realization that everything is fine. Or that everything isn’t fine but it’s always been that way so it doesn’t really matter if you’re anxious about this or that, you’re always gonna be anxious and if you’re always anxious that means you’re sort of never anxious and that’s news you can use.

—

Help!

As you can see, i am unwell, and as with all artists, money solves everything so please consider becoming a paid BAThead today:

Comments

1. Anxiety, do you have it? Keep it then don’t give it to me.

2. No seriously how are you, anxiety and fear wise?

4. What do you do when waiting for ppl to respond???

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