do i secretly love all the things i hate?

my existential kinks

Self-Portrait with Masks, James Ensor (1899)

What if you secretly love all the hard things in your life?

That’s the core idea of Carolyn Elliott’s Existential Kink, a book Paul Millerd recommended after a 3AM WhatsApp chat in which I complained about stuff in a way that proves the entire thesis of the book:

Love all the terrible stuff? That makes no sense! But neither do the holy trinity of beliefs that currently make up my personal religion:

1. I hate myself regardless of what happens.

2. I refuse to accept that I might be good at anything

3. Being happy generally speaking is lame and pathetic!

And lemme tell ya, these things not making any sense does not in any way stop me from believing them!

having is evidence of wanting

That’s the first big truth Elliot suggests you try on: having is evidence of wanting.

So If you’re experiencing something like self-loathing, and you’ve been experiencing it forever, there’s a good chance some weird demented lil part of you wants it to be so.

I’ve come across this idea before. Alfred Adler (whose work I’ve found most accessible via The Courage To Be Disliked), says that we secretly crave these negative states and thus create the conditions to keep experiencing them:

”You did not fly into a rage and then start shouting. It is solely that you got angry so that you could shout. In order to fulfil the goal of shouting, **you created the emotion of anger**.”

I remember reading that and going ‘what the hell? no.’ Because its insane. Why would i ever do that?

But with Elliot’s kink framing, it no longer needs to make sense. It’s an axiom - something “that’s assumed without proof for the sake of studying the consequences that follow.”

That’s the key: I don’t need to understand it. I just need to see what happens when I accept that, despite how batshit insane it is, there’s a part of me that loves it.

so i tried it

“Ugh, I’m awake too early” became “oooh I love getting up this early!” because obviously some big part of me does! Honestly, most of me does, but I wasn’t letting myself feel any of it because Shaemus The Shame had decided it was a Bad Thing to do.

“Ugh I hate that the kids are watching TV” became “what if I secretly love the feeling of being upset?” Because some part of me does! The self-righteousness, the indignance, the “everyone else is wrong but me and if only they’d figure it out, they’d be like me!”

Now with that one, it’s funny because thinking it through makes me realize that it’s obviously insane, BUT that doesn’t change the fact that some part of it.

I don’t need to understand why (even tho I keep wanting to lol). Simply trying on the fact that I might be wanting it dissolves the shame I’d normally feel about it and makes me realize I don’t actually care all that much about them watching some TV.

The hardest one so far has also been about the kids and is just more broadly about how I can get so overwhelmed when they’re screaming and crying and trying to end one another’s lives like a bunch of rabid wolf monkeys.

But what if part of me loves that feeling of overwhelm? Because it makes me feel like a good parent or simply because it feels good to be totally obliterated by forces of nature more powerful than I could ever be. Because then, I don’t have to do anything or strive or anything else. But admitting that would be insane, so instead I get mad about it. And the getting mad feels good too.

Maybe? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter!

What matters is how different these experiences have been. Instead of shame, I feel curious, playful, and goofy.

And it’s the shame - that second arrow that follows whatever we first feel - that kills you.

With existential kink, shame’s second arrow becomes a hug.

my kink

My biggest kink is feeling like a failure. I love that shit. Complaining about it and how much I wish I could be successful if only I didn’t get in my own way. But what if I secretly love getting in my own way. What if part of me wants to stay a failure forever?

What if I enjoy people saying, “Oh no buddy, you’re so great. Why don’t you see that?” Maybe I love how much people care and want, how much attention I get that way. And how maybe I love that kind of attention, that, “Oh, but don’t you see what we see? Don’t you see how great you are?”

It’s hard to admit that I love that. I worry that I’m a manipulative psycho. And maybe some part of me is! We all are!

But again, I’m falling into the trap of justification. I don’t have to prove it or justify it or apologize for it. It’s just a weird thing that maybe I like.

And I definitely don’t need to change it. Because usually I’d be like, “Oh okay, maybe that is true. Well then I guess I got to change everything.”

No, just enjoy it. Savor it. Just admit for a little bit that you like it. You love it.

And that’s I think the core thing: by admitting you like it, you allow it to come out of the shadows and paradoxically no longer need to take up so much airspace in your mind.

fear is excitement without the breath

I’ve felt lighter this week. Excited.

Excited! And aware of my excitement AND willing to share that with you.

That’s new.

I never feel excited, and when I do, I don’t dare actually admit it. What is this, chicken soup for the soul? I’m a hardened emo sad guy creative genius who’ll never be seen by the world for the true generational talent he really is.

“Fear is excitement without the breath” - Fritz Perls

Elliot quotes Dr. Perls in the book and I gotta say, it makes a lot of sense. I’m afraid all the time and I suck at breathing!

Because - say it with me - part of me maybe likes it! To stay small, afraid, what have you? I don’t know and I don’t need to. For now I’m gonna keep skipping the But Why Loop and ya know what, that feels pretty damn sexy.

Even that word: sexy. I never say that without 19 layers of irony around it. Earnestness is hard and sexy too. I fear it and yes, part of me loves that fear.

So what do I do now? Am I supposed to just...love everything? Accept it all? Like a psycho? It makes no sense, which means it might just be the kinkiest move of all.

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let’s hear em!

1. what are some of your existential kinks?

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please don’t pay for both are true