One of my favorite cliche little sayings from 12-step groups is “spot it, you got it,” meaning if something someone else does bugs you a lot, then they're basically holding up a mirror to you. And I hate how true it is.
A couple years ago I realized I was being "too cool for school" and poo-poo-ing things for no good reason, so I could be tough, detached, emo, strong, or cool, or whatever. And so I just tried enjoying things. Turns out its pretty fun to just let yourself enjoy things.
Aw man, this is so real. I remember starting my training program for the therapeutic work I now do and being so skeptical and closed-off that I could barely learn that first week, because I was so convinced that it was all woo-woo bullshit...that I'd deliberately signed up for when in a more expansive mood. By the end of the week I was playing myself in a comedy skit in the guise of Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club, buried in my hoodie as far as I could get. I learned a lot that week. I would write much later, "When did I become so infected with irony that I couldn’t receive uncomplicated love?" It's a real danger to mistake sentimentality for insincerity, earnestness for stupidity. Enjoying things is pretty fun, indeed - but also, I think, vital to the human spirit.
Makes me think of, but isn't the same as, the idea that our suffering doesn't come from the thing but from the *resistance* to the thing. Admitting that you love it is another step toward, I'm thinking. Anyway I may have to buy Elliott's book... this isn't the first time I've seen it written about. LOVE YOU ALEX, YOU LOSER!
This book was recommended to me a couple years ago by a NYC sidewalk Xmas tree sales person who told me she figured some part of her must love freezing her ass off.
I love this shit: "My biggest kink is feeling like a failure. I love that shit."
Also, regarding "Being happy generally speaking is lame and pathetic!" (one piece of your "holy trinity of beliefs that currently make up [your] personal religion"), I am reminded of this quote from Shunryu Suzuki:
“There are, strictly speaking, no enlightened people, there is only enlightened activity.”
I'm reminded of it because of the word "generally" that you used in "Being happy generally." In some ways, "generally" doesn't exist. This moment exists. And this one. And this one. And they all SEEM to add up or average out to some generality. But they... don't?
I don't know! (But seeming to know things is one of my biggest kinks.)
wow wow wow this is so interesting! I have so many ideas in my head about what my existential kinks are... i think one of them is being tired all the time because then I get to complain about it and feel good about myself. Will have to read the book/think on this more. Thanks for sharing!
I LOVE THIS! and I love your journey. thank you for sharing it
One of my favorite cliche little sayings from 12-step groups is “spot it, you got it,” meaning if something someone else does bugs you a lot, then they're basically holding up a mirror to you. And I hate how true it is.
A couple years ago I realized I was being "too cool for school" and poo-poo-ing things for no good reason, so I could be tough, detached, emo, strong, or cool, or whatever. And so I just tried enjoying things. Turns out its pretty fun to just let yourself enjoy things.
Aw man, this is so real. I remember starting my training program for the therapeutic work I now do and being so skeptical and closed-off that I could barely learn that first week, because I was so convinced that it was all woo-woo bullshit...that I'd deliberately signed up for when in a more expansive mood. By the end of the week I was playing myself in a comedy skit in the guise of Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club, buried in my hoodie as far as I could get. I learned a lot that week. I would write much later, "When did I become so infected with irony that I couldn’t receive uncomplicated love?" It's a real danger to mistake sentimentality for insincerity, earnestness for stupidity. Enjoying things is pretty fun, indeed - but also, I think, vital to the human spirit.
Well said.
🤯
Makes me think of, but isn't the same as, the idea that our suffering doesn't come from the thing but from the *resistance* to the thing. Admitting that you love it is another step toward, I'm thinking. Anyway I may have to buy Elliott's book... this isn't the first time I've seen it written about. LOVE YOU ALEX, YOU LOSER!
I remember reading Existential Kink and realizing how much I actually love procrastinating, which I was doing while I was reading the book lol
Well that was fun. ❤️
This book was recommended to me a couple years ago by a NYC sidewalk Xmas tree sales person who told me she figured some part of her must love freezing her ass off.
Dear Alex,
Great piece!
I love this shit: "My biggest kink is feeling like a failure. I love that shit."
Also, regarding "Being happy generally speaking is lame and pathetic!" (one piece of your "holy trinity of beliefs that currently make up [your] personal religion"), I am reminded of this quote from Shunryu Suzuki:
“There are, strictly speaking, no enlightened people, there is only enlightened activity.”
I'm reminded of it because of the word "generally" that you used in "Being happy generally." In some ways, "generally" doesn't exist. This moment exists. And this one. And this one. And they all SEEM to add up or average out to some generality. But they... don't?
I don't know! (But seeming to know things is one of my biggest kinks.)
Thanks for sharing!
Love you!
Myq
Matchy-Matchy. Ugh! So much angst and I hate that I so get this mishmash of human nature.
wow wow wow this is so interesting! I have so many ideas in my head about what my existential kinks are... i think one of them is being tired all the time because then I get to complain about it and feel good about myself. Will have to read the book/think on this more. Thanks for sharing!
So this was fucking awesome
I’m familiar with Adler’s idea that negative behaviours and emotions serve a purpose but your article really drove it home for me. Thanks!