am i old now?

on committing to the bit and becoming a dad v2

There is a point in life when things stop feeling like they’re expanding. Things were getting bigger and now, perhaps, they’re not.

Now, perhaps, they’re getting smaller. Contracting. One’s wide array of possibilities begins to narrow. Getting smaller.

I fear I am in the midst of such a moment.

it begins

As things always do — with a message from our obgyn: Lauren (my wife) can’t go into labor (due date on Jan 19) until I get 10,000 free subscribers on Substack.

What the hell, you’re thinking, how could one’s follower count determine when someone else went into labor? That’s absurd and impossible and also reeks of the patriarchy in a way that isn’t clear but is nonetheless certainly there.

I thought so too, until it happened with our first child.

For that birth, our doctor said that Lauren couldn’t go into labor until I hit 5k followers on Twitter.

At least that’s what I said on Twitter.

I started the challenge with 3k followers. It became a mini-viral situation and, shit-you-not, I hit 5k about an hour before Wilder took his first breath in this world. A miracle that’d make whoever wrote the bible go ‘whoa.’

A full recap of that saga is here: One Year Ago, I Hit 5k Followers. It Was The Best Day Of My Life (also my son was born).

When baby #2’s due date became weeks instead of months away, I thought, “let’s run it back.”

This time I’d do Substack though and I’d say I needed 10k subscribers. I’m at like 8,800 so it felt doable and hell, it’d be fun and weird and yes let’s do it.

Except something felt off. I showed

Erin Shetron

videos from the 5k prank and we laughed. They were funny and I looked young. Tan. Alive.

I was so committed to the bit. And it looked effortless.

Who was that guy? Where had he gone? Like, look:

Seeing my younger self made me sad. Where had that manic, charming energy gone?

Doesn’t take a CSI: Young Parents investigation to answer that question - in the two (only two???) years since making those videos, I’d become a new dad, I was sleeping badly, we’d just not had childcare for two weeks during the holidays which, let’s be clear, doesn’t really make them holidays now does it?

I’d aged, Obama in the white house style.

But still. I view those stressors the same way I view doctors’ recommendations to ‘sleep more’ and ‘eat more vegetables’ and ‘meditate’ like sure ok psycho do you think anyone actually does those things? You’re saying them just cuz you have to, but let’s be real - that’s not…real advice, is it?

Same goes for my '“stressors” — sure it’s a lot but also I have to keep doing my creative shit or I’ll explode. Those things aren’t real, not really, not when it comes to my Creativity and Art, especially when that Art is a prank video saying that our doctor told us I need to hit 10k subscribers in order for my wife to go into labor.

and so we tried

The first attempt at recording a 10k announcement went badly. Wilder bogarted the whole video trying to be the center of attention which I have no problem with but he wasn’t ‘yes anding’ the comedic core of the scene whatsoever. Like sure dude if you wanna react genuinely to the news about 10k and be like “yay maybe i’ll be the only kid for longer” hell ya that’s funny go for it but he was just straight cheesin like Jimmy Fallon in fuckin’ SNL.

There’s this idea in comedy about committing to the bit. You commit and you never wink. Even if it’s absurd and obviously not real, you don’t wink. The wink says “hey I know this is a bit don’t worry.” It breaks the reality of the joke. When Jimmy Fallon laughs, he winks big time.

Andy Kaufman never winked. He went so deep into the bit that he became the bit. I’ve always wanted to be like Andy Kaufman.

Wilder was winking.

try, try again

We recorded the next night after Wilder had gone to sleep. The videos were great. I woke up the next morning and went to Starbucks to edit them.

They had no audio.

Turned out my computer was recording via my airpods which were in another room. Devastating.

I spent an hour at Starbucks trying to learn how to tease out the audio via post production hacks like Noise Limiter and Compression. It didn’t work.

(five seconds before publishing this, I just boosted the gain up 60db and now you basically can hear it but I didn’t know that yesterday anyways here it is lol)

try, try, try again

A few hours later, we have an actual appointment with our actual obgyn.

In the waiting room, I suggest we record the video again. Lauren says sure. I wanted to get the doctor to be in on it but Lauren said no (???).

I got home and asked Erin what she thought of them and the first thing she said was that Lauren was very pretty. While undeniably true, all I could think was, “she hates it she didn’t think it was funny.”

I asked her to tell it to me straight.

I feel both relieved and disgusted at myself. Relieved because I just didn’t have the energy to follow through with this bit. Disgusted because of the same.

Adding ‘commit fully to a prank that requires all-in dedication in order to reach the 10k subscriber count’ to my existing list of dad, husband w nine month pregnant wife, new job guy (more soon) felt impossible.

But it shouldn’t! Where had the tan youthful Alex gone? 

He went on Reddit and found himself on a thread of dads commiserating about the switch from 1 to 2 kids.

hello darkness come on in

The second child isn’t here yet and already I’m shrinking. What part of my comedic repertoire will soon cease to be?

Probably wordplay. Monkey cease, monkey due look it’s already gone that made no fucking sense.

What a god forsaken mess.

A man named Kurt Vonnegut said “we are what we pretend to be.”

We are what we commit to bit.

I have committed hard to the bit of dad, performing largely for an audience of one. Early reviews are decidedly mixed. Usually Wilder tells me to go to sleep so he can hang with Lauren. But this morning he glued himself to me on the couch and said, apropos of nothin, “I love you”.

I gave a speech at one of my best friends’ wedding, the gist of which was: marriage is an absurd bit. One person? Your whole life. Hilarious. And yet also beautiful. In fact, it’s precisely because you commit so hard to marriage that makes it so meaningful. Sure I’ll be with just you for the rest of life lol. Ya let’s have kids even tho it’ll sap us of our energy lol. No yea let’s get old and just keep staying together who even cares lol.

but also

Let’s look at the counter factual. God I’ve wanted to use that phrase for so long people on podcasts love it. The way ‘factual’ comes out of the mouth, the similarities to fuck - congrats to that phrase honestly.

What if there’s another reason to my whole ‘not being able to commit once more to the bit?’

The vibe has, indeed, changed. There’s a categorical difference between my relationship to people on Twitter vs on Substack. The prank worked on Twitter because Twitter is absurd and nothing matters.

But the relationship I’ve made with my readers on Substack matters (🧡). And my taking the round-the-fuck-about route to asking for help growing my list feels disingenuous. Yuck, not yum.

The artist Amanda Palmer wrote a whole book about asking your audience for help. She said, “But within that exchange lies the hardest thing of all: To ask. Without shame. And to accept the help that people offer. Not to force them. Just to let them.”

I was shame. So I decided to hide behind a bit.

But maybe I don’t wanna hide anymore? Perhaps I am becoming someone who can read the room. Someone for whom genuine relationships matter more than pulling off a goof?

Or am I post-hoc justifying the sad truth with a paved over narrative that makes me feel good?

That justification is powerful - I do it a lot with emotions. I’ll be angry and then feel my brain searching for a narrative to glom onto, something that justifies its existence. But the stories come after.

Sometimes feelings make no sense. Actions noo.

Noo is like too but the negative version.

We are what we pretend to be, but that doesn’t preclude us from becoming human versions of words that have never been before.

Soon, I’ll pretend to be a father to two. A few years later, I’ll stop pretending.

When Jimmy Fallon laughs in an SNL sketch, he gives up the goose of the sketch that they’re performing. But a new goof emerges. A new bit - Jimmy Fallon is having a good time up there and he can’t stop himself from laughing. Everyone else starts laughing too. He tries to keep it in but he can’t. There’s no shame in his face. He’s committing hard to the new bit.

If we are the bits to which we commit, then let us commit hard. All the way. You think being a dad to one toddler is absurd? Just you fuckin’ wait babe.

genuine ask for help

I will not hide behind the bit today. I’m making a good run at this whole ‘being a writer’ thing and your support makes a lot of that possible. If you’re able, commit to the bit and become a paid subscriber today.

And if you wanna go paid but can’t afford it just email me at botharetrue@substack.com and I’ll give you free access no joke no question.

comments

Topics to discuss:

1. committing hard to a bit - you ever done it?

2. getting old - you ever done it?

3. convinced your wife to go along with a dumb prank not once but twice - you ever done it?

4. Watching all these videos I am blown away by how amazing Lauren is holy cow I’m a lucky duckling and that ain’t a bit.