24 super genuine resolutions for 2024
+ one important thing at the end sort of
Resist the urge to say “ok but is it?” whenever anyone says ‘happy new years”
meal prep ONCE for the entire year just make so much rice and chicken and roasted eggplant that they last for 450 meals minimum, I CANNOT be making food every day next year its a timesuck and its boooooring like tell me something I don’t know.
stop asking my wife who is three weeks from giving birth, “so you really wanna go through with this huh?”
continue not robbing banks. it’s not worth it and it never goes like it does in the movies.
don’t do all joke resolutions and then bury one actual one at the end no one is gonna make it that far
finally figure out where the fuck carmen sandiego is (anywhere in the world? carmen? not really narrowing it down for us)
stop focusing on my values and start focusing on my valmes
get my finances in order by spending every last dollar I have. (if mo money mo problems then no money, no problems)
get 6 pack abs this has to happen time is running out
Don’t answer the question “how’s it going” with ‘NEW YEAR NEW GEAR,” then cut them off to say “I’m talking about my car. I’m putting in a seventh gear,” and if they ask how which they usually don’t because by then they know i’m a classic car guy, but if they do, I’ll respond “donworrbouit” and skip off into the distance.
If for some reason the ‘new year new gear’ thing ends up slipping out at least refrain from skipping at the end its just too much people hate it when i skip away like that
1920×1080
fake an injury and scream “i need to go to the hospital” whenever people start talking about real estate or buying houses or ‘ren-ohs”
finally write the ‘its vs it’s’ post where the two words battle each other pro wrestling style to see which one wins it’s gonna be a doozy its gotta be
do less have fun get weirder
stop trying to get to the bottom of things there is no bottom get used to it
if someone asks what’s 15 plus 9 i’ll say 26 who cares no one keeps track
Eat less food
Eat more yumyum in my tumtum snackiesnoos
pay as little attention as possible to the presidential election i mean wtf I don’t even know anyone running. like actually, I do not know Biden I never met the guy and i don’t know Trump or Haley like I’ve never been in a room with any of them I have no idea who they are, really. do you? does anyone? maybe only people who know the candidates should vote like we’re in a small village or the hit TV show Survivor (45 seasons ain’t nothin to sneeze at gablesshu)
texting people the truth by sending liq instead of lol (laughing in quiet)
meet katie courik
Become a fundamentally different person than the person I am today
24. Start actually using this clock we bought in Idyllwild several years ago:
See, my 2023 was a doozer and a half. Lots of stuff happened. I continued to be a dad and husband. I acted in some stuff. Mostly, I wrote Both Are True and a whole mess of people subscribed.
The last time I saw this sort of ‘growth’ was in 6th grade when I went through puberty earlier than most everyone else and, for a few brief, glorious months, I was the tallest kid in the class.
But instead of enjoying the success, I obsessed over figuring out exactly what had caused my successful posts to ‘do well.’
Essays aren’t children taking their final exams - they can’t ‘do well.’ They can move a person or give em some joy or sads or whatever but my scientist mind didn’t care much about that. I needed answers. I needed to know which posts ‘converted’ the most free subscribers to paid subscribers.
People are not catalytic - they cannot convert.
2024: The year of the fuck around
“Fuck around and find out” is a phrase oft used among the youth to mean ‘commence with such foolish behavior and be not surprised when met with appropriate consequence.”
I spent 2023 trying way too hard to find out, which is why in 2024 I’m gonna focus on fucking around.
That means more goofing and being weird (but not too weird - Lauren).
“fuck around and find out” is a phrase that basically means “This year I wanna do a whole lot more fucking around and very little finding out. For this year, I wanna do a whole lot more fucking around and honestly very little finding out. That’s where I have the most fun and if there’s anything I took away from the recent survey responses (thank you so much for those), it’s that “alex we do not care what you do just write about whatever makes your little brain go whoa and we’ll love it.’
So that’s the motto of this year. How do I make 2024 the year of the fuck around? It’s right there in the resolutions ya goofball.
I meet Katie Courik.
No no that wouldn’t change a thing who knows if she’s even real.
While chatting with my substack group of absolute legends (
, , and ) a few days ago, I said that my plan for 2024 is:do less
more fun
get weirder
That’s about it.
Wait one more thing.
In perhaps the most intense and literal example of fucking around and finding out, last year we got pregnant. In the next few weeks, we will find out.
Like actually. We don’t know the gender. Soon we will.
So yea that’s all the finding out I’ll be focusing on - a baby.
The rest though? Fuck around time.
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Comments
got any rezzies you wanna share? They have to be serious like mine
who do you think would win: it’s vs its?
any leads on wheretf Carmen sandiego is? If she’s in San Diego i stg
whats 15 + 9
which rezzie of mine was ur fav? Mine was 1920×1080 and it isn’t even close
i’m grateful for you being a BAThead reader its crazy if I think about it too much I freak out but truly - thank you i love you happy new year new gear
You’re gonna name your baby Madeline Erin right
YAY LAUREN WHAT A QUEEN